What can I do to help my brother who is caring for our mother with dementia?

It sounds like you are doing all you can to help your mom and I commend you for that as my siblings never help and it sounds like you are there every day, too. But realize that he's still the primary caregiver and he is feeling an emotional burden that is hard to describe to others. It's almost like being responsible for a child. Think of his role as similar to a stay at home mom that has no one to talk to all day and can't wait until you come from work to take over and give him a break..but he really still doesn't let go. Does running errands on the weekend still revolve around the caregiver role - shopping for groceries, picking up prescriptions etc? Maybe you should encourage him to engage in something weekends and/or evenings that take the focus off his caregiver role. Otherwise, I would say realize that his personality and make up might just require that he vent and he is venting to you. Let him vent. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love your mother, it doesn't even mean he resents caregiving and it doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate your help. As a nurse, you may be more accustomed to dealing with illness than he is and if you are still working and he is not working, you have an outlet to engage in besides the care of your mom - which it sounds like he needs too. Best wishes to you

I have recently moved in with my mom and brother, who was her major caregiver 24/7 before I came. We work it out so that when one needs a break, the other is there to take over. The only thing about our situation is I can't lift her when she falls--it's happened twice since I've been here. Thankfully, I have a trusted neighbor whom I can call on when necessary. Otherwise, I would have to call the EMT. Sharing is a good thing--but that means really sharing--give your brother a vacation--or scheduled DAYS OFF to destress. I guarantee you HE WILL FEEL BETTER.

Sandy: I hear what you are saying. I heard my brother (and g/f whom my mom does not like) are coming to "visit". VISIT? My mom needs more than a couple of weeks in which bro and g/f will be site seeing and leaving mom at home like they did last year after my dad's death. I AM doing it alone and it IS stressful and well meaning people come to this house to "visit" but I still don't get a break as it is ME that my mom wants with her. She knows it is ME that cares for her day in and day out. It is a strain on our lives and our psyches and quite honestly, I have gained so much strength from this site and made friends in threads over the last couple of weeks MORE than family members who travel from afar, site see, and go home. I am grateful. A "little" help ... I hear that!
My sadness is in that this is the first time in my life Mom and I have gotten along so well (guess seeing her vulnerability softened my heart and she knows she can depend on me) and I hate to see that interrupted by a "visit" or if she has to go to NH. Her grieving/depression is the main issue and doc has her on rx now and also her major weight loss (BMI is quite askew). A visit from a son is NOT going to bounce her back immediately so that on her appt in Oct she will "be fine" as he likes to say. Some people live in denial; some see things as they are and try their best to accept that.
Peg (San Diego)

I took care of my Mom 24 hrs a day for many years. The last 2 were the worst. Besides health problems she has dementia. My sister kept saying, " I feel bad for you" what can I do? But until the last year, it was me. I did it all. It is a Strain on your life and your psyche that takes a long time to go away. My Mom is in a NH for the last month and is still mean to me when I go there. It is hard to be the everything person and still take all the abuse. A little help is just that: a little help.

if you have the right kiind of insurane - use it. My husband had a stroke also has 4 sisters. We had to sell a hugh place in the woods where he had all the luxuries of nature & move to town. "I" packed sorted, arranged for auction,hauled, did the legal work etc. Just once I asked his sisters to take one day a month to come do something with him, response was "We'll have to consider it!: 3 weeks later I got a call stating they had to much to do and then said "what do you do with him if it's raining?" I blew my cork (yes my husband heard it all) & basicall told them enough, in every size, shape, form, occasion,etc. Their being busy didn't stop the vacations and trips for them tho. I've had serious health problems myself & I always felt like "extra baggage" around them anyway. He has 2 sons that NEVER send him a card for ANY reason, birthday, father's day, Xmas, anything, but you know what thru it all we have survived and the road was very difficult sometimes but I have good friends who mean much more to us than his family. We both very frankly speak our mind & I've been told their not used to that. I spend some time in my office just thinking and crying and feeling alone as now my oldest daughter has terminal cancer & we talk everyday. We will be OK but I ask for your quiet prayers that she won't suffer so bad. I VERY recently learned the true meaning of "you never know what tomorrow is going to bring." Ihad twin sisters. One night one of them went into the hospital as she felt so weak. They admtted her immediately and 7 weeks later she was buried - cause leukemia You all have a good forthcoming week and find something to laugh about - it's great medicine.

Is Nurse411 and Charlottewilli the same person?

We are going to work on Sat And Sun. This will give him more time

I surely can relate to your brother. I'm an only child caring for my widowed 90 year old mom (w/ dementia) in her home. My husband, sis-in-law, and two friends also help, but I'm still there 55 hours a week (and work part time too). I occasionally get one whole day & night off. She's not needing nursing home care, but can't be alone, and can't afford much more paid help. So far, so good, but sometimes we sure feel trapped. We managed to get away two days for our anniversary in June! I hope your brother can get several whole days off for his health and sanity's sake. We love our mom's, but balance is so needful. God bless y'all!

We did have 3 caregivers one for days and one coming back at night and a back up person now this person can not work. .It takes two people one person can not do by their self.He is their with caregiver during the day, I am there in evening and at night. Our caregivers leaves at 6pm. Caregiver comes back at 9 to help me get her bed.So we have help. I am now looking for more help.

Is there a way to hire somebody to give him a break? When I got to the breaking point, I hired additional caregivers and couldn't believe the difference it made. We have managed to piece together support from Visiting Nurses, nursing students from the local college, the couple that helps us weekdays and family. Family, of course, is the least reliable to count on but I know now that without help we couldn't manage this.

What is overwhelming for him might not be for you. Everyone handles things differently. With you being a RN and a woman you are more in tuned with helping someone. I am sure a son helping his mom has some uncomfortable moments, differently than a daughter taking care of a mother.
I am not an RN, but I worked in home health for years. When I started looking after my mom 24/7 I thought it would be a piece of cake, like another patient. But needless to say, I became so overwhelmed I hit bottom a year later, I had no help so I had to find a way to "heal" myself and rise above the ashes. I couldn't imagine if I had never worked in home health how long I would have survived or if I would have had the strength to keep going. To take care of mother at home.
My suggestion to you like others said is talk to him, find out what is stressing him. Please listen to what he says with an open heart. He loves your mother cause he is taking the blunt of care. But if he gets "burned out" like we all do he might not have the strength or fight to continue to help. But that doesn't mean he loves your mom less, hes just maxed out. Try to give him extra days to himself or let him have a mini-vacation once in a while.
Appreciate the fact that you have a helping hand. There are many of us here who wish we had siblings step up and help. So cherish it and WORK TOGETHER!!!

Brother off weekends just back for about 3 hours,We also take care of his father
he still gets around but need help with food preparation.We still live with parents
He goes to a friends house every evening 5P comes back at 6A
Then I go to work 7a and get back home at 5P.I am off weekends and he leaves comes back at 7a. and Leaves at 10am does not come back until 7a next morning
He is not working right now.

Nurse41, ask your brother what you can do to relieve the stress. Maybe it's time you two had a 'change of the guard' so to speak and the two of you switch places in her care.

RN:

Your mother raised 2 angels. The only thing I can suggest is you helping Mom get up on Fri., Sat. & Sun. before he gets there. (I assume he lives somewhere else.) If you have outside help from other caregivers Mon.-Thur., map out your mother's needs on a monthly basis (a calendar would be nice) and assign the tasks accordingly while preventing burnout in all parties involved.

Your brother's assistance needs to be tapered off a little, but that doesn't mean taking him out of the picture for a while while he recovers. First, he wouldn't allow it. Second, there's a chance he might become resentful and fall off the map. Then you, working 24/7, will definitely burn out. ... And the outside help will run for cover.

Teamwork baby! Teamwork.

Yes it is nice to have a weekend off once in a while as it does take more than one person to take care of a person in that bad of health. My dad (who is in his late 80's) and I were trying to do some heavy lifting and other duties that were kind of difficult and stressful as we both also have health problems. We love her very much, but it is hard not to get too stressed out and have behavioral and relationship problems due to the stress and not getting a break and we do not want to hurt her feelings. take care

I can really relate to your topic and appreciate your willingness to resolve your problem instead of running it into the ground (lol). Caregiving can be hard work, but I am glad about what you said about it being that you did not get too stressed because of how your mom took care of you when you were growing up. I (and maybe some other people) really needed to read and relate that. Some people just don't get it and frustrates and aggrivates you, which is hard to deal with sometimes. A lot of them are just busy bodies that just need to stay out of it. Thank you

Sounds like your brother has a ton of work on his hands regarding your mother. If I understand you correctly, he is helping her with her morning routine seven days a week without a break.. No wonder he is stressed out.

Could someone step in to give him a real weekend without mom care? It truly is a blessing to be able to sleep in once in awhile. We all need a chance to recharge our batteries. I've been there, done that with a mom that insisted on getting up a 5:45 am for months on end.

She's in assisted living now. Sometimes a team of people is what is needed for that type of personality.

Hmm...Brother puts in about a 55 hour week taking care of your mom. He works at it 7 days a week. You say he has weekends off, but he shows up and helps those mornings, too. There are no mother-free days for him. This has been going on for a year. He says that he is feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Believe him.

How is it that your brother has this time available? Is he retired? Does he work nights? Is he disabled? Independently wealthy? A little more background would help fill in the picture. But I take it that he is not a nurse or a medical technician or has/had another medical career. You wanted to do this kind of thing for a living. He did not make such a choice. As Peg points out, not everyone has the same degree of aptitude and interest in this kind of work, no matter how much they love the patient.

You feel it is your duty to take care of your mother. Evidently Brother does too, or he wouldn't have lasted a year. But a duty to see to it that Mother is well cared for is not the same as a requirement to do every ounce of the caregiving personally.

I think it is time at the very least for Brother to have some time off.

Maybe it is time to re-think what is reasonable and loving here. You love your mother and want great care for her. I assume that you love your brother, too. He is telling you that this situation is too much for him. Respect that, and together figure out what your options are.

It doesn't sound like Mother is well enough to go to an Adult Day Health Program, but that would be something to check out. You say that you have caregiver help? How much of that do you have per week? What if you increased it substantially? I hope that you have homemaking services, so that neither of you are burdened with those tasks.

How would you deal with this if you didn't have a willing and able brother? What if this stress disables him? Think through what you would have to do if you were taking care of Mother all by yourself, as so many daughers are. When you figure that out, then the two of you can factor in how Brother can fit in, without committing 50+ hours per week to the task.

If Mother were in a care center, your jobs would not be over. But instead of the day-to-day maintenance tasks you both could focus on loving visits and watchful advocating. Watching your mother decline with dementia is stressful no matter what the setting, but removing the responsibility for basic care lightens the load.

You are both loving and devoted children. Your mother is very fortunate to have you both. I hope you can find ways to reduce the stress for your brother (and for you, too, even if you are not aware of feeling it) in ways that still acknowledge his love and devotion.

I'd love to hear how you work this out. Best wishes to you.

Oh we can't help others feel better, I can tell you that.
I also remember in a course I took that the mother-daughter relationship is the strongest relationship. So perhaps brother just isn't wired the same way we women are. (I find that true with my brother.) Maybe find something that he IS wired for and let him do that (my brother was in banking so he is in total control of my mom's finances from afar while I have day to day care as I live with her).
It is a difficult thing we are doing as I am reading we are all in the same boat. I am the ONLY one here with my mom and wish just once those that don't work would come visit if only for a week or so so as to give me a break. But I am at school a few days a week and that gives me friends to see and distractions from this as I am sure your work does for you as well.
Ask your brother what role he wants in this part of your mom's life. And then see if that is compatible and convenient for all involved. If he is feeling stress, as I do at times along with many others, counseling is the key I found for myself and perhaps that would help him as well.
Thanks for being a nurse; I appreciate all of you when a loved one is in the hospital or goes to the doc. Peg