Has anyone participated in family mediation to delegate caregiving responsibilities with siblings and to at least agree on a decision model for care decisions? If so, did your elderly parent participate? If not, why not? If yes, was it hard on the person? The mediator I contacted (private mediator, nothing to do with a court) wants to include my mom, which I agreed with as she is cognitively aware and I did not want her to think it was being done behind her back. One sibling and my mother have agreed to participate but the sibling is afraid it will be too confrontational for my mother, which is not my intent. My other sibling refuses to participate. I don't want this to hurt my mother and I don't want it to be waste of money. The unwilling sibling has POA, and has not been participating in caregiving (she prefers to critique it). Any thoughts, wisdom or experience you can share on mediation?
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However, if you feel like nothing will be resolved (and that's the operative word) by just having the two "willing" siblings meet with Mom then a mediator will be able to help. I would want to know more about what your desired outcome will be with this meeting and be very clear that this is not in any way intended to make your mother feel uncomfortable or attacked.
So ask the mediator how he/she helps families reach the desired outcome. It's often a good idea to have an outside person who is not emotionally vested in the family dynamic guide you through the process. I assume you are trying to honor your mother's wishes and create the best possible care plan for her. If the "unwilling" sibling has POA, it doesn't seem like this is possible. The person who has POA must be willing to take on all the responsibilities of this role. The focus has to be about your mother and clearly you understand that. So get VERY clear about what your desired outcome is for mediation and then strategize with the mediator and your other sibling to find ways to make that a reality. Remember also that your mother is probably a bit frightened beneath her willingness to attend mediation. If you want to share more I'm happy to offer more help. Keep your eye on the end result and try not to get go into the weeds during the mediation. You don't want your mom to shut down. Best of luck.
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Isn't one purpose of a trained mediator to reduce the confrontation and facilitate discussion?
I have no experience with mediation. I'm interested in hearing what others' experience has been, too.
My experience is with family meetings, without a mediator. The care recipient is my husband and he has Lewy Body Dementia. We have had the meetings without him. This has allowed all of us to be more open and candid. We may need to discuss prognosis and probable next steps, but hubby may not need to hear that as candidly as we need to explore it. Many dementia patients are or can become somewhat paranoid. They don't always interpret statements correctly. If a dementia patient is present, you must deal with the dementia rather than focus on the purpose of the meeting. Speaking in love is not enough to make your intentions clear.
I am now reading a book, "Living with Lewy's" and the chapter I read last night specifically recommends family meeting without the dementia patient present. This is what prompted me to respond again.
Soverytired, your circumstances are different than mine, and you'll have to adjust for that. I know that if we have a formal family meeting regarding taking care of our Mother, she will not be included. She is 91, probably mild cognitive impairment but not officially diagnosed. She doesn't need to know if there are disagreements among her kids. She doesn't need to listen to the ones who have most contact describe to the other what her day-to-day impairments are (she would deny them and think we are lying or being mean). She just needs to know the ourcome, and be reassured that though of course she doesn't need any help (ha!), we are all ready to help when that is needed.
I do appreciate your comments jeannegibbs, I have noticed that you are frequently there to offer comforting, non-judgemental words.