My background...
I am 27, my husband is 33, we have a 4 year old daughter and a 75 year old grandfather. My husband and I met 5 years ago. We were the typical young couple. Only he and I in the house, we would come and go as we pleased. Shortly after meeting we found out we were expecting. About 7 months into the pregnancy we got a call from my husband's great aunt saying we had to come get his grandfather because she was over him. So we did. At the beginning it was fine having him in the house. He could be left alone while I worked, ran errands, or we had datenight. About a year later we noticed small things... name trouble, wandering, no money management at all, etc. He was never happy and I spent most of the next few years driving him from our home to his sisters. Whenever he got bored or mad he threatened to walk so I drove him to keep the peace. Fast forward to 2009. My husband took a job in Louisiana and we moved. He stayed with his sister against our wishes. Then about midnight one niht she told him she had moved his stuff into a broken down truck and we needed to get him. So we did! I noticed immediately the change. He was moody, had barely any memory, called me by my husbands ex's name, wandered, cried, lied, refused meals. All in all pretty bad. I took him to get checked out and he was givin meds that I found out he was flushing instead of taking.
We now live back in TN and its horrible! I cant work because he cant be left alone or he will walk to each neighbor and tell another story to each of them. He spent $800 of his SSI on lottery tickets that he couldnt understand to actually know if he won. He hides my computer. Refuses food. Refuses bathing. My husband works about 14 hours a day so it is mostly me with him. A week ago things got the point that I started looking for help! I got him enrolled in an elderly program but it will be 4-6 weeks until I start getting help.
My question is, how do I not get bitter about giving up my last 5 years? He is so rude and mean to me when my husband is gone but when he is here, he is different. I feel like I am raising a 4 year old and a 75 year old the only difference being, he can say screw you and walk out the door.
Maybe I will feel better after simply putting my feelings into words but I am struggling with all of this and thought maybe a group can help! Thanks in advance!
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I also want to echo what harpster77 said... Amanda, you haven't lost five years, even if they didn't unfold the way you imagined. Not much in life DOES! I hope you keep finding pockets of time to festered and have to yourself. I hope your husband can help the family start to draw boundaries, as it's his relative, and this guy seems to behave better around him.
There is a side benefit to your kids for this, and I want to point it out. They are learning this is a family of love in action, and unconditional love at that. Just because they are bitty doesn't mean they don't get it. Blessings to you all...including anyone reading this!
Blessings,
Joan
Power Of Attorney (POA) doesn't stop them from stupid financial tricks, but it can help you get reimbursed, or setup autopay on certain bills. My father won't let go of his house on reverse mortgage, but he can't live it in alone anymore, and won't tell the mortgage company the truth. It took me at least 6 months of digging through Dad's trash to figure out the MTG company name...and even now, they still believe Dad's lies! (a few more returned notices should help my case).
Know your limits....and stick to the boundaries. Tell your child Gramps has sicknesses that make him seem scary, but he's more scared of himself than you are. If you lived well, you can die well. Those who haven't lived have a hard time accepting death - or any loss of mobility.
I've been reading your messages and feel for what you are going through. One thing to try to remember, and it isn't easy to do, is that at this stage in your husband's grandfather's dementia, it is almost impossible to have a "realistic" conversation with him. He just won't get it. He can't think through things logically, and so, unfortunately, that puts the responsibility on you and your husband to make the decisions that are best for you and for him, regardless of what he says he wants or doesn't want. Keep telling yourself you are doing your best, and don't get sucked into the guilt and resentment; that IS easy to do.
All the best to you. Keep writing-it helps.
May I suggest a few things that i have learned from all the great people on this site? First of all with dementia it is better to just go along...for example: getting a truck, ask what kind of truck, what features, etc. What kind of job, what do you expect in pay? etc. So if you are positive, the negative should be less.
Next, maybe you can't give him a hug, but how about a stroke on the arm, pat on the back, his grandson should be giving him hugs, his great granddaughter. Affection goes a long way.
Outlets, does he like to build things, read, play games or do puzzles? Dance? Lunch a few times / wk at the Sr. center? Can he play a game with his gr granddaughter? Does he ride a bike (my dad at 83 does so just a question)
When he wants to walk to his sisters, go along with it...do you have a map? better call and let them know you are coming, how are you going to get there, etc. What I am getting at is to try a new approach perhaps. Make it a challenge.
When dementia is at its early stages you think they are still normal and don't know when they are not. It is crazyness as you know.
Your hubby should have power of attorney and take over his finances. Gramps should have $ in his wallet though. Enough but not too much. Men like that.
Find out his interests I think would be helpful. There is so much that you and all of us with dementia relatives are going through. Another thing I have done is gotten my dad an ID bracelet. My dad is past figuring out how to get it off, yours may still be able but down the road.
Also, let your relatives know that he has dementia and may say things but to just laugh them off and change the subject.
Another thought, sometimes people will do things for others they won't do for you. Your hubby should be the one telling gramps to take a shower and take his pills and being the boss. Can your father come down and take gramps for a ride to home depot or other place a man might like if your hubby can't?
He may be of the mind set that men are in charge and women don't know what they are talking about, so men giving the orders (which would explain why the sister booted him) may make a BIG difference. It is certainly worth a try.
I really think your hubby needs to take a MUCH bigger role in this. Anyone else agree with me here?
I know that when my hubby makes suggestions to my dad, he listens and doesn't tell him "I don't want to."
I look forward to hearing what works for you amanda.
Stay strong, Amanda. God bless your family.
Hugs and prayers to you, Amanda.
~Joan
We had to remove all of the deadbolt locks and chain type locks because he would lock them all and we couldnt get in. This was all before he got sick.
I know how you feel with your situation. I wish I could tell you that it gets better because a few years ago all I wanted was for someone to tell me it would be better. Sadly it didnt get better it is only getting worse but thanks to the awesome people on this site, I have a little outlet! I am taking it one day at a time until our help finally arrives!
The people on here are great and most of them have been exactly where we are. The feelings that I am ashamed to tell anyone about, make sense on here and the people are soo supportive!
"Kitty if you need so much care that we can't leave you alone for a few hours, then we should be looking for some in-home help, or a different setting for you. We love you, but we all have our own lives to lead. That means we are not home 24/7. If you need someone here 24/7, we need to start working on other arrangements, because I cannot provide that."
You need to set some boundaries. If your loved one had a mental condition (such as bipolar, dementia, etc.) I would advise you to inform all your friends and family and educate them on what to expect. But, as far you know, there is no mental disability here, and your loved one can in fact stay alone for brief periods and take care of herself. So set boundaries. Can you imagine living like this for the next 20 years? What is going to stop that from happening?
"Kitty, my friend Gloria is coming over soon. I know you don't care for her. You might want to watch tv in your room or work on your embroidery in the family room. Gloria and I will be in the kitchen. Please do not disturb us."
"I'm so glad you are able to take care of yourself, Kitty. I've made a nice pasta salad for your lunch. I'm taking the rest to my sister's house. I'll be back around 3:00. Call me on my cell if something comes up."
Surely you have keys to get into your own home, even if she locks up. You are raising children. Did you/do you handle their tantrums by giving them what they want?
"We need some bonding time with the kids. Tomorrow we are taking them to an early movie and dinner. You might want to plan on visiting a friend, or on ordering your dinner in. You don't have to wait up for us."
"Kitty if you need so much care that we can't leave you alone for a few hours, then we should be looking for some in-home help, or a different setting for you. We love you, but we all have our own lives to lead. That means we are not home 24/7. If you need someone here 24/7, we need to start working on other arrangements, because I cannot provide that."
Set boundaries and stick to them. If this is really hard for you, maybe a few sessions with a counselor would be helpful.
Amanda, assisted living would be great for him and he could just think that he is living in his own place with help and meals available.
So glad for your neighbor coming into your lives, what a blessing. Best to you. :))
If Gramps has dementia, there really isn't any point in asking him what he wants regarding his living situation. What he wants is not to have dementia and to live independently. Or some days he may want to own a baseball team and fly around the country with them and live in hotels. None of his answers are going to be realistic. Because the poor guy can no longer take care of his basic needs, his grandson is going to have to make decisions for him and, just as in raising children, those decisions are not necessarily going to win popularity contests.
Maybe with the program you have him enrolled in, you can continue with home care a little longer. But start discussing what is really best for everyone with your husband now. If may help both of you to learn a little about dementia.
Again, best wishes as you struggle with this.
When you need to get him a living situation that includes care for people with dementia -- and it sounds like you do -- it will not be something he wants to do, no matter what. So there is no pleasing him. There is only saving yourself now. I agree with the people who said to start looking around for a paid living situation. Medicare will pay for more than you realize. It won't be the Taj Mahal but it will be safe for him and way better for your family. It may be that you will have to give up a quiet, deep-down belief that there is some way to get this guy to be kinder, that you can find the right combination of things to make him quell his temper and play ball. With dementia, that's not possible. This is bigger than you. At the same time, what a chance to practice standing up for yourself in a different way than you are used to! If he threatens to walk, don't leap into the car next time. My bet is he goes two blocks and comes home. And have a great afternoon. Sending good vibes your way.
As far as asking him what he wants. We talk to him about it alot and the answer is always the same... "Yall aint puttin me in the old folks home. I just want to live by myself so I can get a truck and find a job" When he tell him that isnt even close to realistic, he gets mad and the conversation ends.
To help you deal with him in the proper way you really need to have him diagnosed. If he has health insurance schedule an appointment for him to see a Geriatric Doctor and get tested for Dementia. If he has something else that mimics Dementia it would be important to know that so you can see that he gets help. Of course if he is diagnosed with Dementia then you can understand him better like Jeannegibbs stated above. Understanding can help to cope. Sometimes there are medications that can help him not be so agitated. Once he see's a doctor you need to make sure that you or your husband can discuss his medical needs with them so you can tell them about his behaviors and ask for help. Has anyone talked to him and asked him what it is that he wants? Maybe he wants to live in Assisted Living or Nursing Home. If he's not happy living with you then maybe your husband can see that by talking with him.
It might help (a little?) to realize that your husband's grandfather has dementia. He does not behave rationally because he can't. His thinking process is impaired. You are looking for a logical reason why he is against your family. But his impaired "logic" may never make sense to you. Why does he think it would be good to go to his sister's who doesn't want him there? How does he think he can walk there? Because he has dementia! Your reality is not his reality. This is very, very frustrating to deal with. Believe me, I know.
I hope that program you have him enrolled in will be a huge help. Hang in there until then!
Dealing with dementia as you describe hubby's grandfather's behavior is very difficult in a family setting. I know that your husband does not want to consider placement for this man he loves, and that is to his credit. He wants to do what he thinks is the right thing. But this man who raised him and whom he loves deserves the best care he can get. That might not be in your home -- it might require professionals trained to deal with his disease.
It is a tough role that you are in. I wish the best for you, your husband, and your husband's grandfather.
i feel for you girl and am sorry that ure havin to deal with him . gotta try every tricks in the book to get him to wake up . dont aruge with him cuz ya never win . he will win on every arugement . men are always right . lol . just pick up a phone book and say i cant take this no more dad ure so mean to me waa and say oh theres number of nursing home ! beep ebeep beep and then play like ure crying and whiney and see what he does . lol .
i did that to my kids when they were little . im calling your dad !!! wow how fast they straighten up . santa s not comin cuz ure mean ! gotta play those lines with the elders .... keep in touch dear and we all are here for you . :-)
Don't apologize, you have every right to be angry at him. I would handle it in one of two ways for now.... If your husband isn't there to get him under control call him at work and tell him exactly whats going on and tell him to leave work and come take care of him. Be firm. Tell him that if he doesn't come take care of the situation you will kick him out. Sick or not he is just being an Ass. The only other approach you can take that I can see is to ignore him, apologize for him to your family and forget him for the day and have a great time with catching up in spite of him.
These are only my opinions, right or wrong. You have to stand up for yourself.
My grandparents arrived last night after a 12 hour drive. Since I lived in Louisiana for 2 years, this is the first time I have seen them in a while. They are staying with my parents a few blocks over. The plan all week was for everyone to come to my house (since my grandfather in law cant be left alone and refuses to go to my parents house) and spend the day catching up. When he woke up I told him that I had laid his clothes out and there was a towel in the bathroom so he could go ahead and get cleaned up before everyone gets here. He walked into the bathroom stood in the door for about a minute. When he came back into the living room he tells me that he isnt showering and if my "stuck up" family was coming over, he was walking to his sisters house (same sister that put him out) that is 2 hours away if you drive!
My family has never done anything to make him feel this way. During holidays and birthdays they always include him. We had family pictures taken that my parents paid for and they included him, even arranging some pictures of just him and our daughter.
Now I'm really stuck! I will see my family today one way or another but I just dont get why all of this has to be so damn hard! Why do I have to be the only one that cares enough to do anything? Why do I always feel like I have to choose? How do I make it until his homecare starts? I always say I can deal with any type of hell as long as it has an ending point. But folks I'm sorry to say that I dont know that I can do 4 weeks of this!
Sorry I am complaining, you guys are the only ones that I have to turn to!