Hi everyone, I have 2 parents under NH care with frail mental function ( stroke related depression, high anxiety, mood swings and middle dementia) Within the last 3 mos, I have found out that my absentee, only and oldest sibling has stage 4 cancer and last week, she suffered a major stroke.
Her children are at her side at her home, but we all have agreed not to tell my parents. Sis has distant herself from her family many yrs ago, and now she is going down fast, I'm trying to prepare myself for the inevitable and telling my parents of her passing.
How in the world do I do this? My Sister left me alone to care for OUR parents and now I am alone once again. My Mom gets so on edge about the smallest things, I don't know how in the world she will deal with this. I wanted to take her to visit my Sis but Sis doesn't want visitors and is very snappy with her kids, she is in a lot of pain. Truthfully Mom can't make this trip because the 6 hr round trip ride and the visiting time would be too much on her, but my Niece is asking me to come visit which I will.
Unfortunately, it seems like the last time they saw their oldest daughter this past Aug will be the last time.
I don't like not sharing this important information with my Parents but I need the help of a Million people to tell them their child has passed when the time comes, If you can help please do.
Thank you.
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Mom expressed great thanks for the trip to see her, they are both sad but says, shes with God now, we've done all we can do.
I never thought in my life time that I would be walking in these shoes, but there are some people who don't have feet.
At this time, it would be cruel to burden them with this news but I know it will necessary to give the final report. I hate pretending with them that all is fine but I cannot bear them not knowing that the reason she isn't here this time is truly beacuse she can't come, not chose not to visit them.
While our relationship wiht my Sister has been strained, the communications lines have not been broken. Fortunately, Mom was able to talk to my Sister this past Saturday, Sister was in pain but managed to hold small talk for 5 mins. Mom heard a difference in her voice but at least she heard her voice.
I try not to dwell on it, trying to figure out the logistics of getting them 3 hrs away to pay final respects. Dad is wheelchair/bed bound and totally incontinent and kowing him, he will choose to pay his respects in his personal way. But Mom....she will want to be there and likely need to be sedated and I mean that in no harmful way.
For the sake of my adult Nieces, I will visit them and my Sister this weekend and perhaps see if there are any loving parting words my Sister would like to leave for the family, in particular our parents.
It's a beautiful fall morning, for now I will concentrate on the beauty of the day, tomorrow takes care of itself...with or without me. Plus I really don't like thinking too much about someone eles's mortality, what will be, will be.
Do they need to know that their daughter is very sick -- that she is dying? They can do nothing about it. If there is an estrangement and knowing this fact might help bring about a reconciliation, then there may be some benefit to knowing. Other than that, I think it would simply be distressing. Stronger people might appreciate some time to get used to the idea, to grieve, to say goodbyes. But people who are mentally frail may not be able to process the bad news in a helpful or meaningful way. Encouraging your parents to write to your sister would be a kindness.
Do they need to know when their daughter dies? Probably. Otherwise you will be in the uncomfortable position of continuously lying when the subject comes up. Do your parents practice a religion? Would it be helpful to have a clergy person with you when you break the news? Might the social worker at the NH have some experience to share with you?
You have advance warning. Use the time to make your own peace with what is happening. Perhaps reach out to your sister, in writing, if that seems appropriate. It will probably help you break the news to your parents if you have dealt with your own issues and grief first.
I'm sorry you are facing this difficult challenge. Do the best you can, in love.
I know there is no cookie cutter answer, but it is looking to me that whenever the time comes, then that will be the time. The unexpected happens everyday, we just happen to know in advance but that doesn't mean those that are frail need the same information.
This is one aspect that I truly appreciate about this site, sometimes just talking it out revelationary.
You see, mom is not capable of handling news that could perhaps go on for a while. While the rest of us are going on with our lives, her life will be that of day and night worry and anxiety.
My Mom spoke of writting my sister a letter, I will encourage her to do so as I feel that their last visit in Aug...is their last visit.
If nothing else, I encourage us all to make good, lasting memories while we can, the last time just may be the last time.
Thanks so much
Many of us are estranged from our siblings, and perhaps someone of the board has been through this same thing.
Have you considered telling your parents in stages to see how they handle it and how much each can comprehend? Perhaps begin with "Jane is sick" and proceed slowly. "Jane is not doing well" "Jane has cancer" and so on. If you have made the decision to tell them, introducing the subject slowly might be a kinder, gentler way than waiting to tell them when she passes.
You might also consider telling them that "Jane" knew how sick she was when she saw them in August, and that's why she had come, in order to say goodbye.
(In my Mom's situation with severe dementia, she was not able to comprehend spoken language properly. She could however, tell when I was in pain or sad - tears she understood almost to the end).
My thoughts are with you.