DH and I are in our 30's with two young boys and one problem teenager. We also both work FT+. A full plate and then some...
DH's mom is 67 and lives in an apartment near us. She has COPD from smoking and severe arthritis. She chooses not to really take responsibility for or really treat her conditions. She takes nothing for her arthritis, which renders her disabled. Her attitude is that it's her body and her choice. DH is her sole caretaker since she's estranged from every other family member (she's done some pretty horrible things). She refuses things that would make her burden on DH less. For instance, she often needs him to come over and help her out of her chair. She won't accept a lift chair, since she'd then see her son less. She will openly admit this.
Am I out of line here? I have told DH that he must set some boundries with her. She MUST play an active role in her health or he cannot help her. For instance, she should become medically compliant and try the drugs that can improve her quality of life so that she's not totally dependent on him. Also I've said that she needs to start paying caretakers for things that he doesn't need to be doing and doesn't have time for - such as cleaning her apartment or doing her shopping. Money really isn't the issue here, she has plenty. She simply prefers him doing those things.
I don't help her with anything, not that she'd allow me to anyway. But what happens is that I pick up the slack elsewhere and I resent it. I honestly don't think I would resent it if she COULDN'T help the situation. But the fact is, she WON'T because she LIKES depending on DH. With her declining help and refusal to do anything about it, the situation is snowballing and I'm afraid it's too late to change the rules on her.
I'm trying not to feel like a horrible, evil daughter-in-law that won't allow her husband to help his poor, disabled mother. Sometimes I think that is how it must look, even to my husband. He also feels that it's absolutely her choice what she's willing to do medically. That whole family has an irrational fear of the medical community. So he really doesn't get why it would upset me. He says that if my parents were in the same condition he'd do the same. What he fails to recognize is that my parents would ONLY be in that condition if they had no other choice.
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Eddy is right -- there is a limit to everything. And right now, inadvertently, and in an attempt to do the "right thing," Husband is teaching MIL there are NO limits. You would do just the opposite for your kids, and probably are: "Here's the line; no crossing it." MIL needs the same treatment. Sending you love and light....
As I read your post, Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" kept playing in my head. Then I thought there's a limit to everything.
He's aware coming to Mom's rescue is having a negative impact on your relationship, but deep inside feels it's his duty to help her. His primary obligation to his own family, and I understand how hard it is to have a part-time husband and father.
Explain this to him in a supportive, loving way. If he begins to justify his mother's irresponsible, self-centered behaviors then Mrs. Moses is going to have to go to the Mountain. Needy people = entrapment, so remind her that those spur-of-the-moment whims are having a negative impact on your family. And while you're at it, suggest ways she can help herself. I would, however, discuss this with your husband 1st to prevent his mother from driving a deeper wedge between the 2 of you.
There's nothing wrong with fighting for YOUR man when you know you have a good one, but at the same time he shouldn't feel as if he has to make a choice between the 2 most important women in his life.
I did, however, point out that MIL can't be happy with her current situation either, since DH really isn't capable of being an adequate caretaker. He ignores some of her needs, such as hygeine issues. Those have gone largely unaddressed for months or even years. And the housekeeping he does at her home is deplorable. He's a man and I think immune to certain things, like filthy microwaves or corners of the floor! We talked about the fact that it's not fair to her to have inferior care and not fair to him to be burdened with it when there are reasonable and viable alternatives that will benefit everyone better. Part of the issue is that she won't spend her money, perhaps due to her frugal nature, her desire to leave something behind to benefit her kids, or as my SIL theorizes, to have money to wave over everyone else's heads as a controlling mechanism. I'm not sure the frugality is a common theme for the elderly who are still aware of money and how it's spent? We have assured her that we don't want or need any of her money and that she should spend it on her comfort, etc. because it's HERS and that's what it's there for.
Anyway, I've been reading here and I'm astounded at the difficult paths many of you are on. It's such a complex issue and really not one that I thought I'd be facing at 34 with a house full of kids. DH sort of lost it tonight and cried for the first time in years. He's under so so much stress. I hope that he realizes that my ultimate goal is to reduce EVERYONE's stress and make life a little easier for us all.
You can talk to your husband forever, but until he sets boundaries and puts these very reasonable ideas into action, nothing will change. There is something different about relationships between opposite genders (ie: Mom and Son, Father and Daughter) that complicates things. Obviously your hub is motivated by the ever popular guilt trip. Most of us are. But he needs to recognize that it takes a village to care for an elder. It is the biggest fallacy of our culture to think that one kid (and it usually ends up being one) can handle everything.
The longer he staves off introducing your Mom to paid caregivers, the longer it will take her to get used to it. She really needs more daily care than you two can provide.
Do not become discouraged or angry with the hub...he feels like his loyalties are being pulled in two directions. But sit down with him with a plan in mind. Set a date in the near future when these plans will be implemented. Share these plans with the MIL - if you can get any buy-in at all it will make life easier.
Start with hiring a housekeeper/errand person once a week, then gradually increase her care as needed.
But the first thing that has to happen is for the hub to recognize that this is not a healthy path he is on.
good luck