Am I being emotionally abused by my mother?

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EarthQuake64 Asked December 2011

Am I being emotionally abused by my mother?

I suspect throughout my life I've been emotionally abused. I was away from home for over 30 years and forgot what it was like to be home. At the age of 49 and divorced I moved home for a year. I ended up going to counseling for six months and my counselor remarked that I had been emotionally abused by my mother (who had been emtionally abused by her mother and so on). Anyway I bought a home. My mother eventually went to assisted living and then after about six months she decided she didn't like it and moved in with me. She didn't ask--she simply told me she was moving in with me. Yesterday when I prepared some squash, she complained about how I served it. It wasn't mashed up and I didn't add extra butter the way she likes it. I didn't know I was supposed to. I then asked her how I was supposed to serve the squash but I couldn't get a straight answer. She was sarcastic and insulted me. She constantly discusses my weight and reminds me how fat I am. She talks about how forgetful I am and if I put reminders on stickies it's because I'm not very smart. (She ought to try to keep track of as many things as I have to). She talks about how little money she had when I was a child and how expensive I was. She was single when she had me and could have adoped me out and has said she was sorry she didn't put me up for adoption. She even once said she wished she had an abortion. I'm pro life and she's pro choice and she totally blew up over this. She's blown up anytime I've expressed an opinion--like I'm not allowed to differ in opinion. She criticizes the way I decorate my home and that I clean it too much. She likes to leave a big mess. She's criticized my gardening and told me she is a better gardener (true--more experience) and that I don't have as much common sense as she does. I dare not disagree with her about politics or she will hit the ceiling. When I was a young child she once grabbed me and dragged me to the bathroom to weigh me. I was still small enough for her to do that. Then she posted my weight in the bathroom for all to see. we had a lot of visitors. I wasn't the neatest child and she threw all the garbage in my room--including the kitchen garbage with spoiled food and broken glass (I got cut). When I went to counseling as an adult she told me she handled her problems better than I did. (She was a psych nurse) She's threatened suicide--this has been throughout my life. She criticizes my cooking. When I was 54 she went around telling everyone "I'm teaching her to make bread" when I first made bread at 19. I've asked for tips and advice in breadmaking but I don't consider she's teaching me to make bread. I've mentioned some dishes I want to make such as teriyake chicken and she says, "Oh, I don't like that. I don't like gourmet cooking. I like casseroles." She eats what I cook or she will have to cook herself. She goes to bed and gets up and odd hours so I never really know when to prepare a meal. Many times I will be about to serve dinner and she makes a cheese sandwich or something and goes to bed--often at 5 p.m. so she can be the victim and I can be the terrible daughter that won't feed her. I hope to eventually get her into a nursing home because I want my life back. I am 55 and I want to be able to have my life back while I'm still young enough to enjoy it. I have lost patience with her and haven't been the perfect person but I haven't hit her or been violent. I've crabbed at her, although I've really tried not to. I plan to retire in a few years and move to another state but she tells me that isn't a good state for me to live in. I've talked wanted to visit some places and she's said, "travel doesn't interest me. I'm not interested in looking at plaques." Once I was talking about Niagra Falls and she said, "Oh I'm not interested in looking at a bunch of water." She accuses me of not liking opera because she likes it. There was a movie she really liked. I saw the movie once and enjoyed it but it's something I saw once and that was enough and she is really offended that I didn't consider it in my top 10. Of course she doesn't like a lot of my favorite movies. When she was younger, she moved to another state so she would not have to take care of her mother. The funny thing is, almost everything she said her mother did to her she's doing to me.

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score 0 · Answer 1

Are you sure you aren't related to 50% of caregivers on this site? Heck, I KNOW for sure you are talking about my MIL. It is tough, make the choices that are right for you and your immediate family and get her out of your house. We didn't choose our parents, they chose to give birth to us, we are not obligated to them any more than to see that they are in a safe environment, that doesn't mean our home. In a perfect world they would raise us and treat us in a fashion that we would love taking care of them, but that is fantasy for most. Much love and many prayers. Don't put off the inevitable, every minute you delay moving her out is a lifetime of pain for you.

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score 0 · Answer 2

I just read a book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" by Karyl McBride. It was the best book about narcissistic mothers I have ever read. She lists 35 behaviors of which you decide which ones match your mother. Mom met 25 or more of these.

I saw situation after situation which matched my own. I no longer wonder if mom is narcissistic and abusive. She also explains how WE behave due to this abuse. I really recommend this book for you.

Get away from her. She will never change and she has already damaged you. Get better for yourself. God Bless.

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score 0 · Answer 3

IM NOT THE ONLY ONE! wow, your mom and my dad should meet. theyre perfect for each other...what is with people ? i understand elderly getting strange, but turning on the one thats helping you is hard to swallow, he knows exactly what hes doing and he thinks its funny to not invite me with the family for thanksgiving, going back and telling family i didnt want to come ( when as far as i jnew i wasnt asked) telling me how nobody likes me, thats just cruel

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score 0 · Answer 4

She needs to move out, but don't think that her moving out will change the situation much. You could be telling my life story, except my husband (the "evil ogre") wouldn't allow her to move in with us. My Mom is in assisted living and just sits in her room and pouts if I'm not at her beck and call. But at least I can go home and get away.

Therapy is also a godsend. You might need therapy to help you deal with moving out.

If you want to go on a vacation and she doesn't want to go, it would be really good for you to get away without her. Hire someone to help her if she can't be by herself. They're many wonderful people out there that can put up with anything for 8 hours a day.

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score 2 · Answer 5

Your situation is tragic, but a learning lesson for those to never let an elderly parent live with you if there are issues that stem from childhood. Do not enable your elderly parent to become helpless and lazy when they are capable of doing it for themselves. Do not allow yourself too always be the child, you are an adult. Take care of yourself first and everything else second. Being cared for by an adult child is a privelege not a right and as a caregiver, you should not be abused or taken advantage of. Nobody should have to be forced to remain in an abusive situation no matter who the abuser is.

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score 1 · Answer 6

I appareciate your comments. I was in a city and state that I really loved. When I lost my job I moved to the state my mother lived in because I suspected that she doesn't have a long time to live. I lived with her for a year in a really filthy place that was falling apart. I know I should have been grateful but it was very depressing. I slept on the couch for a year. A filthy couch. The bathroom was so filthy that when I took a shower and got out of the shower the floor would turn to mud. I ended up going into counseling and my therapist said that my mother had been psychologically abusive to me. After a year I bought a mobile home for my three cats and me and I was pretty happy. She lived down the street and that was OK. She promised me she wouldn't move in with me. Famous last words! Formerly a psych nurse, she is a very sick woman and has been for a long time. I understand it isn't unusual for mentally ill people to go into the field. It is evident that psychological abuse runs in the family. Good thing I didn't have children! Currently we are debating about a night class that I am planning on taking. She doesn't want me to take the class because she doesn't like the teacher. As I am not too far south of 60 I'm going to take the class anyway.

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score 1 · Answer 7

I last posted on this forum on Dec. 20. My mom was bound and determined she was going to work me to the bone since she had fallen in broken her wrist 5 weeks before. She went thru every symptom in the book to get to be bed ridden. That was all she talked about. During those 5 weeks I ran 2 houses even though I was having problems myself. I didn't feel well. ON the 13th, I thought I was having an MI and stayed in intensive care for 2 nights. The stress test was negative. One week later, I collapsed in my bedroom, was diaphoretic and had a BP of 70/30. My husband called the life saving crew. During the time they were on the way, he called my mom's house mulitple times to have them not even answer the phone. Even when all the flashing lights in my driveway drew no response. When I got to the ER the MD was really worried. They did a lot of lab work and as soon as it came back he came rushing back into the room and told my husband he had a really, really, sick woman . I was rushed up to ICU where in a matter of hours I was totally incoherent. I was placed on bi-pap as my body quickly filled up with fluid. They thought the ventilator would be the next step. My brother was on his way from the airport and was shocked when he saw me. All of my relatives showed up except my mom. She can go to the grocery store and buy loads of food for my niece and stand for hours and cook it. My brother said he begged her to let him take her she would not have to walk not one step. He would get a wheelchair. She doesn't have a wheelchair to cook and get to the grocery store. 2 days earlier she basically said it was my fault I was sick and unable to work anymore and that I should do like everyone else get out and work. I am 60. I worked as a nurse until by back was severely injured. My husband had to stay until 4 in the morning because of my incoherency. I stayed there in ICU until Dec.30 and came home on Monday. I am so weak it takes everything in me to get to the bathroom. The MD all said I had a life threatening illness and it will take a long recovery. i am also facing surgery once I can get my strength back. My mother does not care for me, I have since told her so. She should have thought about all the mean things she said to me when she knew I was sick. I have always been a dog. She has money to hand out to everyone else. I have sold my car to pay for some of my medical bills. I know I will owe for them many months. Do not let a parent run over you, I don't care who gets mad. I think and I know my mom thinks I OWE her my life. No I do not. I did not get any edcuation money or anything. My neice has married the deadbeat of the world. She has a BA and works at a job a high school ged could do. As for money they have given her I would say the total is running near $50,000 now. Mom had my husband over to clean up after the niece from putting her Christmas decorations. I am totally through. It is not a nice feeling to be near death. Other people don't care for you, there are a few that might, but in the long run its all about them.

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score 1 · Answer 8

99 times out of 100, if a person asks "Am I being emotionally abused?" - the answer would be YES! Your mother is a very sick, very toxic, very abusive person. If you allow yourself to continue to be exposed to her toxicity and abuse, you will eventually be as sick as she is. Take care of yourself. You are an adult. You have choices. (Someone told me, children are victims, adults are volunteers.) If you have difficulty with appropriate self-care (including setting healthy boundaries), go to a caregivers support group and/or get professional counseling. It's not too late for you to learn healthy self-esteem and self-care. Protecting yourself from your mother's abuse will also be best for her - you are not doing her any favor by tolerating her inappropriate behavior. Make some changes for your own good AND for her sake, as well. Blessings and hugs to you both.

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score 3 · Answer 9

You did not choose this relationship. If you had a choice, it would be a loving relationship. You have no responsibility to your Mother except to see that her basic needs are met. What responsibility did she fulfill for you? Why so many people have guilt about not living with an abusive parent is because they have been taught that this is what they deserve. That they are responsible for the parents bad behavior, character, mental illness, whatever. You are not. It is unreasonable to expect you to throw away your life for your mom, would she for you?

Run, don't walk, to the nearest AL, get her in there, and visit when YOU feel like it. parents like this are bottomless pits. The thing you have to understand is this is about her and her alone. She doesn't care about you.

How do I know, both of my parents were emotionally abusive. My Dad was the worst and Mom let him. Now she pulls all of her little tricks. I will not take care of her in my home, ever. She has saved every penny for 80 years to have "her needs" met. And believe me, they will be by someone other than me.

Educate yourself about emotional and verbal abuse. Narcissitic personality disorder as well. Stand strong, and don't ever feel guilty. God bless you.

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score 0 · Answer 10

Something to note: My mother was a nurse. She lived in the same state my grandmother did and then left because she didn't want to be my grandmother's caretaker so she moved to another state. In time my grandmother moved to the state we were living in so my mother moved back to her home state. My aunt (my mother's half sister) had an extra bedroom and she moved the out of that room so my grandmother wouldn't move in with them. My mother talks about how psychologically abusive her mother was to her and how could anyone be that way. It will soon be time for Medicaid and the nursing home. I know my mother doesn't like to live here and she feels that she is useless. She is in a lot of pain and she isn't able to do the things she enjoyed - gardening, quilting, sewing, reading, watching TV because she is physically unable and can't hear or see.

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score 0 · Answer 11

I think we must be sisters!! I swear you just described half of what goes on in my home. NOTHING I do will ever be good enough for my mother. (((Hugs))) to you!! I cannot offer much more than encouragement, I am not dealing very well with my situation either! :-)

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score 0 · Answer 12

HUGS, TO YOU. WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING IS KNOWN AS GENERATIONAL CURSE. WHEN SOMETHING IS PASSED DOWN FROM ONE GENERATION TO ANOTHER. IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BREAK THE CYCLE. DO IT WITH LOVE IN YOUR HEART AND A SMILE. YOUR MOM IS GOING TO HAVE TO NSWER FOR ANYTHING SHE'S DONE OR HAS NOT DONE. BE THE BEST DAUGHTER YOU CAN BE WITH NO EXPECTATIONS. THEN YOU WILL FEEL YOU DID ALL THAT YOU COULD. PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK WHEN NO ONE ELSE HAS.
BLESSINGS,
DPRAYS

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score 0 · Answer 13

Bottom line is after all these years, I truly believe it is true envy with my mom. She wanted me to be homeless, starving, and not be happy. I could never do a child of mine like she did me. Her mother did it to her. She sent her mother to a nursing home when she was 49 and was perfectly capable of taking care of her. All her kids were grown and she had nothing else to do, nothing but lie on the couch and that is exactly what she did for most of her life.

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score 1 · Answer 14

Bless your heart! My heart is so sad for you....BUT - get her out of your home NOW! I can't relate, I have the most wonderful mom, but reading what you lived through and are doing again, is heartbreaking. She will survive. Just get the ball rolling and get your life back. Also, maybe after that you should do more counseling to make sure you don't slide into the "guilt trip".

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score 2 · Answer 15

I agree with the other posters. Since it is your place, either move her into another place whether is is AL or another apt across town, but do it. If you want to, sell your place, and move into a very small place just for one person, either that or move to Argentina and never look back. Life is just too short to live like you are living. Take it from me, I almost died last year. Each moment is a gift. Good luck to you and a hug, too.

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score 1 · Answer 16

move her out. my sister and i knew it was best for our emotional/mental health for our mother to be in a board & care home and that's what we did. no guilt involved. mother is in an inexpensive but nice place and well cared for.

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score 1 · Answer 17

First of all that is your home. She moved in with you with out permission. You need to set some ground rules. I have my Dad living with me. When he gets crule and nasty with me I simply tell him I will not have a conversation with him if he is going to insult me. I leave the room and come back when I have redirected myself. I know how difficult this can be but the stress alone will get to you and make you sick. Find a group that specializes in Adult/Children, caregivers. If you are doing all the cooking maybe you can discuss the beginning of the week what the menu will be. If she doesn't like it or complains there is always PB & J.

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score 1 · Answer 18

HUGS, HUGS AND MORE HUGS. STOP LOOKING FOR YOUR MOM'S APPROVAL AND STOP TRYIG TO PLEASE HER EVERY WHIM. YOU GET THOSE TWO THINGS UNDER CONTROL AND YOU WILL BE A LOT HAPPIER. I GUARANTEE IT...
BLESS YOU...

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score 1 · Answer 19

You need to focus in and get quiet time so that you can access your own wisdom where you will understand how to nourish and appreciate your own life. Take time away if you can or even make time alone to get under all the agitation and misery. There is within you the deep source of knowing and accepting and understanding yourself and through that others. Be gentle with yourself. Blessings and love to you. Know you can find your answers within you. Get the support you need.

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score 5 · Answer 20

My high school Psychology teacher told me, over 30 years ago, that everyone is responsible for their mindset and happiness. Happiness is a choice. Your mother has chosen to be miserable. Misery loves company. So, she wants to make you miserable also. Yes, she is abusive. Do you have any other siblings? If so, maybe that can assist. If not, try to put her into an assisted living or other long term facility and visit her. Do your duties as a good daughter but let her take her misery elsewhere. It's a losing battle. She has to want to be happy. She doesn't.

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score 9 · Answer 21

I SO sympathize with you because I had an almost identical situation 2 years ago. The only way I could survive the abuse (again, since I'd already had it as a child) was to find a way to put my Mother into a facility. My advice is to FIGHT for your life, or this person will eventually kill your soul-and you. I ended up in the hospital. Find a way-any way, to let the professionals deal with her. Difficult elders are one thing, but parents who have been toxic all along should not be cared for by their children. Best of luck to you and hugs too.

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score 3 · Answer 22

WOW!! I have the same abusive mother. I have a hard time imagining that there is more than one person like this in the world.

Before my father died of cancer he told me to take care of my mother, but don't let her live with you. From that point on I've felt like it was okay not to be forced into that. I'm going to tell you what everyone else is going to say, move her out. It's not good for either of you for her to live with you.

I've learned to feel sorry for my Mom. But I blow-up sometimes and feel down too. The most horrible thing I ever said was telling her that my father said not to let her live with me. But that did stop the fights about her moving in.

My mom lives in assisted living. It helps, but they don't do as much as they claim and Mom wants me to do everything. But as you've reminded me it's much better than the alternative.

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score 1 · Answer 23

My mother is a psych nurse. We are all genetically disposed to depression. I suspect my my is bipolar. She admits to depression but she won't admit to bipolar. She is paranoid and believes everyone hates her. She was abused by her mother (my grandmother) and my grandmother was emotionally abused by her mother (my great grandmother). My mother presents a whole different face to the public. Even on the phone when I lived in another state my mother presented herself as a totally different person. When my mother had breast cancer (she could diagnose it herself because she's also been an oncology nurse) she had some friends drive her to the hospital and later they commented about what a positive cheerful outgoing person my mother is. Financially I need a roommate right now but in time I am going to get her into a nursing home (if I can get her to qualify for medicaid) and get my life back.

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score 14 · Answer 24

Yes. You are abused emotionally. It's a conundrum though, if you've experienced this your whole life. Once abused, it's hard to break the cycle because that is how you are used to dealing with life, especially with your own mother. It becomes a familiar routine, a bad one, but one you're used to no matter how much it hurts you.

Your pain comes through very clearly in your writing. My mom lived with us for awhile, by my choice, and I see some similarities when you describe the details. She would criticize the TV shows we were watching, loudly, from her room and expected me to get up at 5:45 every morning to attend to her 'choices', note I didn't say 'needs'. That was HER routine and come h*ll or high water, that's the way things were going to be. That's what daughters 'do' irregardless of having a husband and child that also have needs. Forget the little things like having joy in your life. I couldn't leave the house for more than an hour, ever. I owed her and she 'owned' me with the guilt.

It sounds to me like you've reached the breaking point. Mine was when my son got home from school and my mother and I were screaming at each other over some dang thing or another. He ran upstairs in tears. I knew then I had to make a choice. The situation had become too toxic to live a reasonably normal life. I did the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and kicked my mother out that day, mentally, and verbally.

I researched assisted living that day while I could hear her cussing me out downstairs. I made an appointment with a facility, toured it the next day, and moved her into there the next week. Tough, yes. Difficult, yes. Do I have guilt? Yes.

Two days from now, a year ago, my very healthy father died from a brain tumor. He catered to her routine for five years. She refused to leave the house for the last two years and her very limited world cratered in around him. It limited his LIFE and I think played a role in his untimely demise. I saw my life being defined by her terms and I saw an un-pretty outcome. Stress can kill people.

I chose my life.

Six months in, I visit my mom every other day. The AL facility where she lives is wonderful. It's private pay and I'm thankful my dad worked his hind end off his whole life to afford this for her. My mom runs the place, but she doesn't run me and my family anymore, and for that I am grateful.

Do the unthinkable. Cut the strings. Get yourself the life you deserve. We only get this one round at life. Live it. Deal with the guilt as best you can. My goal in the New Year is to get to a more healthy place, both physically and mentally. I pray for that for both of us!

How I found the strength to do that, I do not know. All I can say, is that if I could do that, you can too.

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score 3 · Answer 25

Does your mother have mental issues other than just being evil? I mean if she's schizo or has another mental problem then there's two totally different answers here. If she's just evil, then tell her to move her sorry rear out of YOUR house. If she's got another problem, then she needs to be seen by a doctor for an evaluation.

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Am I being emotionally abused by my mother?

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