Can anyone tell me why my mother is telling me that I should be checked by a doctor because she thinks I'm losing my mind when she is not able to remember what day it is, her appointments or what she asked me five minutes ago. These comments happen when I tell her that she has already asked a question several times. I now know from reading all of the posts that this is a no-no. Also, why can't she tell me that she is scared ot what is going on in her mind and most importantly why is she placing the blame on me and trying to make me believe that I am the one who is forgetful? I think it must be part of her personality since she has always blamed me for things since I was a child....it is very hard to be there for her but I won't abandon her - I just need to understand how to deal with this situation of her harsh comments when I am only trying to help. Does anyone have advice for me
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Of course it is your mom that should be checked by a doctor. Has that happened? It is generally a lot easier to deal with disabilities of our loved ones when we know what to expect.
When you find out that something is a no-no, stop doing it! :)
Just because she can't/won't articulate that she is frightened doesn't mean that she isn't. On the other hand, she truly does not remember that she asked that question before. She thinks you are crazy for saying it. So why should she be frightened for herself? You are the one (in her mind) that has a problem.
You are only trying to help. But it isn't helping. So, don't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. Instead of saying "Did you remember that appointment for this afternoon?" say "Do you need help getting ready for the appointment for 2:00 today?" (Remind her without making her defensive.) If she says "I don't have an appointment," instead of saying "Yes you do!" try "Oh. I could be wrong. Let's look it up in your calendar." In other words, the point isn't to convince her that she can't remember things. It is to help her compensate for her failing memory.
If she has never confided her deepest feelings to you, I doubt that she is going to start now. If she is quick to blame others for her problems, that will probably continue. Now you are the adult, and she is regressing. You will need to set the tone of your relationship. You can control your behavior. You can learn (from others on the board, for example) techniques to try in dealing with a failing memory. Expecting change in your mother's way of coping is probably not realistic.
I admire your determination to not abandon her even though your relationship is not story-book perfect. Best of wishes to you as you struggle to make the situation less stressful for both of you.