She went to the hospital like her doctor wanted her to. They said it's just old age and not depression. She was very very good at fooling the doctor and seeming like a perfectly normal and kind old lady. They didn't want to hear what she's like to me! Didn't think that crying excessively and getting angry all the time and needing to be with me every minute was depression at all. Just old age. I really want this to stop and maybe it will be me who goes to the hospital next. I just don't think I can do this much longer. I love her so much but I'm exhausted and she plays on my emotions. She knows how to guilt me and it works most of the time. My marital relationship is feeling the weight of this as well as there is NO private time with my husband. She needs to be with me always. No relatives to help and not much money. What do I do?
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I admire you for taking care of your mother. You are are an angel. One day you will look back and be glad that you were there for your mother. I took care of my mother who had alzheimer's ..she passed away in 2009. There were times I feared that I would not make it another day...but some how I always managed to come through. I learned a lot about unconditional love and today I am so thankful that I hung in there with her. II often think about the fact that we are all heading in the same direction..I cannot help but.wonder how we will be acting when we have to look old age in the face?? Might we be tearful? How would we like to be treated...I say this because I notice how the doctors and everyone else seem to talk over the heads of a lot of the elderly patients just as though they were't there. I think it is important to keep the elderly actively involved in their life. I hope that I have given you some things to think about that could perhaps help a little.
Many hugs for you dear...just do your best, that is all you can do. Please do try and find some healing time for yourself. This is so important and I can see it will be a challenge for you...but make it happen. Do some meditation...it really helps to energize and relax you. Much love and blessings to you and I will say a prayer for you and your family. God less you! Bobbi Henderson
If asked by a home health care nurse that is there to help them (but also us) the answer is, "I am great" When asked by any other family member that checks in occassionally, the answer is "getting better everyday!" I really feel for you, because I know that you took your mom to the hospital for her well being as much as yours. I wish I had an answer. What are the plans for your mother, as far as where she is living? What is the next step for her?
no family help,oh sure they say they'll come and sit with her, but don't do diapers,so that won't work.mom has no control,so every couple hours i ask her?thern clean her up.
shes been depressed since my brother died in 02,my father in 06,
takes zoloft daily,i don't think it works,so i asked her nurse about a glass of wine every other day,naw,i think why would i even concider that move,that could turn ugly very fast.let the sleeping dog lay.
so yesterday, i brought over a movie somebody got me years ago,jim carrey,when nature calls,i think,anyway, she actually laughed at something.
i haven't seen her do that for many moons.
she doesn't talk, just lays around and stares off into space.
shes bed ridden,24/7 in bed.
so i'm thinking for depression,get some funny,dumb movies.
tonight will watch dumb and dummer.
And I am a big pharma skeptic. I have the same problem. Anti-depressants make my ultra crotchedy mother so much easier to deal with. It is the difference between night and day. Ask her doctor.
Whatever she has, you need relief. Don't get so busy arranging for her evaluation, etc. that you overlook arranging for some respite time. You will need that and you certainly deserve it regardless of what your mother's problems are. Like putting your own oxygen mask on and then helping others in an airplane, take care of you first. Nobody benefits if you get a permanent case of the screaing memeeis. And I think the place to start is to get some private time.
It is not healthy for someone to want as much attention as your mum does. Maybe she has a personality disorder.Or maybe, with aging, as sometimes happens, she has become very narcissistic, Maybe she has the beginning of dementia. It sounds like a thorough evaluation is needed. My mother's personality disorder was not diagnosed until a couple of years, She is 99. I had figured it out long ago. Has you mum been like this before in her life?. Mother has had it and narcissism all her life. People knew she was difficult but there was never a diagnosis, nor would she have gone to a doctor for it. She happened to be in hospital and they saw it there. It sounds to me that, in any case, boundaries need to be established as to what you will and will not do for her, what time you need for yourself and for your husband and what you will give to her etc, You need to get rid of the guilt (easier said than done but you have nothing to feel guilty about). Using guilt is manipulation and that is what makes me think of narcissism. With someone who is narcissistic, boundaries are essential. They use FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to stay at the center of attention which is what the narcissist craves. They are huge drama queens. If you google a site daughtersofnarcissisticmothers dot com you will find much that is helpful, and maybe recognize your mother there, and also the kind of games that are being played, and how to not play the games. I would think a frank discussion with her doctor - or may be yours, or a specialist and a thorough evaluation is in order too. Mother would not take meds for it so my only recourse is to distance myself emotionally. She is in an ALF in another city- by her choice and really very well for her age, though has a running list of complaints and demands. All I will respond to is something that, in my opinion, is a real crisis. Do I get told off? Of course, what's new? Am I a dreadful daughter? Apparently I am, and she does not hesitate to tell that to other family members. Does she ignore the fact that I have needs too. and my own health conditions to deal with at the age of 74, so I cannot do what she wants me to (even if I would)? Yes, she ignores that. She would make a world war over her oatmeal not being properly cooked, calls it elder abuse. and wants me to take the ALF to court. Do I need all of this? No! The stress of it in the past few years has affected my health, so my contact with her is limited though I "oversee" her care. She is very well off though she can't see it. I am not responsible for her happiness, nor are you responsible for your mother's happiness or anyone else's. I don't think it is old age per se. There are some very good suggestions from the others. Follow up on all possibilities, so you know what you are dealing with, then take the steps you need to, and I wish you all the luck in the world. You are in a very difficult situation and it is dragging you and your husband down. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
I'm puzzled about why Mom was sent to a hospital. Was she threatening suicide (or homicide)? Was there some emergency related to her depression? It would seem to me more common to refer someone with the symptoms you describe to a psychiatrist and/or a mental health counselor. A geriatric psychiatrist might be an appropriate choice. She needs to see someone who is qualitifed to assess her situation and prescribe a course of treatment. I'm just puzzled why that would have to be in a hospital. Perhaps there is more to this than you wrote about.
If she can get some treatment that is effective, maybe she will not need to be a shadow permanently attached to you. That would be a good outcome, and worth working toward. Or maybe that is not going to happen.
What I think you need to do is arrange to have some private time. You need to take care of yourself and of your marriage. If Mom can't afford to pay for in-home care, spend some energy researching what assistance programs she is eligible for. I'd say do that now. If she gets treatment that helps her be less dependent, that is a bonus. But don't wait for that.
Good luck to all of you.
I myself have had depression since I was a teenager. When I would go to the psychiatrist, I would pretend nothing was wrong. My explanation was that I forgot what happened. Your mother probably thinks nothing's wrong. She probably thinks the doctor's wrong about his assessment.
I know also about being hospitalized for psychiatric illness. I was hospitalized myself. With depression, as long as the person is not a danger to him/herself, or to other people, there is no obligation to keep the person hospitalized. If your mother is a danger to herself, you must take her to the hospital. If she is lying when she gets there, that is not good enough, because she is still a danger to herself.
If the hospital seriously did not accept her based solely on her word alone, tell your doctor. And then take her to another hospital with a good reputation for treatment and assessment of mental illness. This is unacceptable.