How do you care for a mother that hates you and tries to hurt me when I am near?

Eddie gave you great advice. You can only do so much and if you are turned away or treated badly at every turn, you have to decide what you will put with and what you won't. You have a right to be treated with dignity in your life. If it helps you to feel better, ask a neighbor to check in on her and then contact you regarding her condition. You must feel good about your role and sadly, very sadly, sometimes you just can't change the way someone (even your mother) treats. What you can do is change the way you allow your mom to treat to you. Be strong.

K, it sounds from your comment that you feel your Mom has always despised you, but now more as a result of her stroke? Fear can rear its ugly head as intense anger. Maybe who she really hates is herself, and her helplessness now. So who does she take it out on? The only one who really cares....you! She most likely feels she doesn't deserve your love, and it just makes her angrier that you are still there giving it. Like Eddie said...a sucker for punishment. But what you are really doing is giving her unconditional love. She's mean and hateful, but you still are caring. Maybe you should back off as Eddie advised, and be watchful from a distance. You can't do much more than to let her know, via phone calls and/or cards to say you are always there, and will always care, but until she will accept your help you are powerless. You can't feel guilty if you are trying, and she's pushing you away. Continue to let her know you care. Maybe she'll come around. Best of luck to you, and remember, her hatefulness is really self directed, but coming at you because she can't stand the intensity of it on herself.

K:

Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes the love in our hearts makes us suckers for punishment.

Send her a big, colorful card with a few handwritten lines saying how much you still care. Don't forget to include your address and phone #s for when she decides to reach out.

For now, back off. Give the crabby hermit her space and enough time to realize that alienating people isn't the way to go.

I have a similar experience. After decades of weekly visits to my mom, who never drove, and years of even more intensive care, I have now not seen her in over a month and have only seen her a handful of times in the last several months. She made accusations and turned the rest of the family against me which I never ever would have even dreamed could happen as I am the only child near her and I have been dedicated to her well being for many, many years while the others have done virtually nothing. So now I call her every other day and I've also sent her cards but that is all I can do. Please take care of yourself. When people told me that, it was hard for me to listen as I was very tied up in doing for her. But, believe me, the situation can get much worse - it is better to back away. (Assuming she is reasonably safe on her own, even if she's living on the edge.) Take some time to figure out who you are besides a caregiver and how you want to be treated. I think there are many of us that end up being alienated from a parent we deeply cared for and it is a very hurtful and you are always worried, due to their age, that it will end like this, but you really have no choice but to accept it. I hope it brings you some peace to know that there is nothing wrong with you, you don't deserve this treatment, you are a loving daughter and there are many others in this sad situation. I will pray for you.

There are two kinds of things in the world-- things you can control, and things you can't. You have the power to love your mother, and bless you for using it. But you don't have the power to make her show you love in return. Does she feel it deep in her heart? Who knows? And while she sends you venom in response to your love, you have the power to reject what you don't want to accept. In your shoes, I had to imagine my codependent mother as I needed her to be, since she couldn't be what I needed. It's a poor substitute, but it does help. Be kind to yourself; forgive your mother; forgive yourself if you feel you need it, for you certainly deserve it for every imperfect act you ever performed. Good idea to send a card to keep the door open on your side. If she never comes to you through it, you will know that you did all you could, and that's all anyone can ask. Good Luck. God Bless You

I have a slightly different angle on this. You say your mother had a stroke - but I am not sure if she has been diagnosed with anything else. My mother had dementia and it was not diagnosed for a long time, as she covered it up pretty well. If I even slightly hinted that something was wrong - she became quite hateful - telling me I am not her daughter, get out, she cant believe how horrible I am to her etc etc. What I discovered is that she responded in this manner whenever she felt helpless. Because I was the only one who was close to her - of course she treated me the worst, as I was the only person she should verbalize her anger at her situation. Deep down inside - a part of you just dies because it is your own mother who is telling you these hateful things. But I decided to let that feeling go and realize it is not really her that is saying these things - but rather the disease or ailment that is talking. Like Braida says - it is the fear within your Mom that is talking. If you are able to ignore it - and not let it affect you - then you should continue to take care of your Mom, visit her etc. For me - it was better to take care of my Mom because my anxiety was much higher if I was worried something would happen to her. For you - it may be different, you may need to stay away because the abuse is harder to take. That is your decision - and either way - it is the right decision for you. So dont second-guess yourself. Realize that you have to also take care of yourself. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice...