What can I do to protect myself against a sister who is accusing me of abusing my mom?

I find this is such a relief not being alone in this kind of stuff...but at the same time there has to be a way for the truth to be outed about families who do this to one of their very own. I am considering writing a letter to the police about the antics that are being played out at my parents' house. I barely survived being accused of elder abuse, two years ago, falsely done to satisfy my mother's need to feel powerful and mighty, after I yelled at her for lying to me, when she had initially had confirmed that we were going to a cousin's funeral, and then after I got ready tells me she never said such a thing (no she does not have dementia, she is cruel and has played me like this all of my life for fun and then complains to people that I am abusive, she seems to do this aptly when she is on the phone I do not know it, pushing my buttons and takes great pleasure from it..I had just heard her on her phone as I came down the stairs to her place telling my sister to hurry up ( I rent the 2nd floor) and come over to go to the funeral. And now, two years later, my insane mother is sing-songy asking me if I would have ever gone to take money from a wallet "just a question" ? Will she now falsely accuse me of taking money too? I have decided to not go to the funeral it is time to wash myself clean of the moral bankruptcy in this family. I was their first born, the most responsible, their childcare service provider, changing diapers for my youngest who was 6 years younger and I being a rather tall girl, was physically pushed to act like a 14 year old taking charge of house and hearth all while enduring the screams and yells of a then unhappy marriage. Now that my father is bedridden, and has dementia they are lovey dovey and yet, still their incredulous disregard for the truth and their deceptive ways is sickening. I would not be surprised that the caregivers they hired are robbing them blind and that my sibling is jockeying to be the next landlady at the house of horror. If there be a more dangerous place for me to be would be there, if not through false accusations, through insane family seething in anger and looking for a scapegoat. I am so grateful to YouTube and talks on scapegoating, gaslighting, and narcissistic families, because without these, I would have been a humbled and deflated shell of a woman, thinking it was my duty to put up with the abuse because I was single and too damaged to do better.

My sister did the same thing to me years ago..Let the department of aging see your mom & see that in no way is she abused. then tell the case worker about the situation between you & sweet ol sis that should solve anymore disruptions...I sympathise w/both you & your mom!

Sometimes a person has problems that are just too big for her to handle by herself. When that happens it is time to bring in a qualified expert. Depending on the problem, the expert will be in various fields. In your case, I suggest that your expert will be a lawyer as opposed to a social worker. Why? Because you sound to me like one who needs an answer that is enforcable as opposed to suggestions that are, at best, a matter of agreement without any way to enforce them. Where a person is bipolar you can have every promise to do this or that but that person is way beyond self control. You can get every promise in the world from her but the poor thing cannot help herself and will continue to follow the same impulsive behavior.. For your own peace of mind, talk to a lawyer.

Take out some "insurance" by maintaining a daily diary, ask at all physicians visits for a notation in their records that no signs of abuse were indicated, and consider contacting the local DHS agency responsible for elder abuse complaints before she has a chance to. If Mom has agitation problems and is self-injuring herself by scratching, etc. get a physician (preferably a geriqatric neurologist) to help you NOW! We are seeing many abusive and malicious prosecutions of caregivers and PWD due to uneducated and incompassionate case officers that are driven by beurocratic goals for "more arrests and convictions" using anonymous reports as the basis for complaint.

My sister has allienated herself from the family through her behavior. My brother has no contact with her either. She was diagnosed with bi-polar years ago but won't acknowledge she has a problem. She has OCD and does nothing to help herself. She has no friends, can't keep a job, can't keep a place to live so the suggestion of my mom living with her isn't the answer, she can't even take care of herself. When they meet it is usually for money. My mom feels sorry for her and wishes we would all get along. I am trying to do what is best for my family and my mother. I think I will contact a social worker to see if there is a solution we can come to without my sister coming to my house. Thanks for all the suggestions!

You say you want "peace in my home." But you don't have it. Keeping her out, in the way you are doing, isn't bringing peace. I second the suggestion that you get a mediator or a social worker involved, and try to get some perspective on what your sister is really after. Maybe even suggest your sister look at this site (unless she will spot your complaint about her immediately) to get some insight into the caregiving situation in which many people find themselves. That might help her see a broader picture.
I don't actively keep my sister uninvolved. But she has a flair for the dramatic, and wants to give me ideas for how I could do things better (like ship my Dad down to her, when she can barely keep herself together as it is), and I get tired of her energy. I'm thankful she lives so far away because she takes a lot of energy to be with, and it would make things harder, not easier, if she were here. Seeing your note made me see I need to find some way for her to be involved that makes her feel constructive and that she will "play" less in other areas where she's less than helpful. I have no idea what that is, but I'll keep you posted.

amervg,
i too am having problems with my sister. she has moved my mother into her house. when i call no one answers the phone. i dont leave a message but they know i call because they have caller id. there is a feud going on in our family. it is too complicated to get into. i will keep calling and if i have to, i will drive myself over there. they will not keep me from seeing her. i will call the police if i have to.

I'd agree with Dinak and call your sister's bluff. This situation will not get better and I would imagine has only gotten more intense as your sister has gotten older.

In all likely hood you need to see an attorney to deal with these issues. You have to establish that your sister is a detriment and threat to you, your family and your community. Because of HIPPA laws you can't say that she has mental issues because you do not have access to her health records to know that without going a legal route to establish that. How you can start to do this is to meet with an attorney to do a plan. You have to give your sister an opportunity to care for mom.

This really all comes down to how hard-ball you need to be and really can be on this. This only you can decide on.

If you want to be definite on this, can you tell your mom that sis seems to be just so concerned about her, etc, remind mom that sis has called the police, etc. So you are going to send sis a letter stating that she seems to be concerned about mom and the care in your home with a listing of all the police calls, phone call logs and asking sis to come up with a defined care plan for your mom along with how all expenses are to be paid within the next 30 days. Send it registered mail. Make it nice but business like firm.

Now she probably won't do anything on this but complain. This is a good thing for you. Because 40 days later you go back to see the elder care attorney to get a protective order done for your residence (this might be easier than one listing you, your husband, kids and your mom) from your sister. Then the attorney will work up a document that states how visitation will be done. This too will be sent registered mail to your sister. This can seem brutal but things will not get better over time and you will be continuing to deal with this more & more unless you set the boundaries and have a legal to enforce it.

You really - if you don't already have this - need to get DPOA, MPOA and "Guardianship in case of incapacity" done for your mom with you and your husband as the first & second on all. If something should happen to you - even if it's something not serious, like you break your ankle and are out for 8 weeks - without clear paperwork as to who is in charge, your sis could go to get guardianship of your mom.

I had to deal with something similar with an aunt, whose kids had 1 w/drug issues, 1 w/financial issues and 1 was the good dutiful but spineless one. She asked me to be her new DPOA, etc (I had been executrix for another aunt which had a snake-pit of an estate and she & spineless asked me to deal with this because they liked how I handled it). She just flat couldn't deal with the kids and their conflicts. Moved her to AL, which she loved and really could relax and enjoy life at because she no longer had to worry and deal with the conflict between the kids. She seemed to almost "de-age" 5 years. This was all done working tight with an elder care attorney. There was no way to do this without going legal.

For my aunt, she paid for all the attorney's costs - this is important as it established that the decision was hers. Now for you, it's different, and you will need to pay for all (and not your mom) as it is your homestead. Your mom may not want to sign off on anything that sets limits with your sister, so be prepared to deal with that. But as long as she resides under your roof, you set the mark.

I agree with JessieBelle - the first thing I thought was that your Mom may be complaining to your sister about things that your mom doesn't like about you or your husband or her living quarters. Also, everyone has a different viewpoint on what appropriate care is. Your sister may think that there are activities that you should or should not exposing your mom to that could improve her boredom level or exercise requirements, etc.... However, to call the police on you, she either believes your mom is neglected to the point of it being a life/death situation, or as u indicated, your sister may have some mental issues. I am sure that when the police arrived and saw that your Mom was fine, they would have slapped your sister with some kind of legal punishment for sending them to your house illegitimately. If your sister is really mentally compromised, then obviously your Mom shouldn't reside with her - but if u believe that your sister is really just very nit-picky and controlling and believes she can better care for your Mother, then I would call her bluff and tell her that if she and your Mom would prefer to live together, then they should do that. Let's see if your sister really wants the best for your Mom by caring for her in her own home.

There is not a lot of information. The first thing that came to my mind is if your mother might be telling her things when they meet. If your mother is like many others are, she may complain about things. Do you think that may be part of it? If you tell us more, maybe someone will have some ideas about what to do. I think that Soverytired had some terrific guidance.

What do you mean by "mental problems"? Does she have a diagnosed disorder? It's difficult to provide you with assistance when the information is so sketchy. I guess I would suggest that you see a family mediator, all 3 of you including your mom if she is competent to be included, to work out equitable visitation for your sister. You don't have to have a relationship with your sister if you do not want to, but it sounds like the position you are in is similar to a divorced couple who both want a relationship with their child and one has physical custody. The best thing for the child is (usually) for both parties to support a relationship with both parties. It's the best thing for your mom, too, unless the "mental problems" you reference make your sister a danger. (I assume not since you are driving your mom to see her now.) I would urge you to work something out. Your mom is not going to be around forever.

I don't understand why your sister accuses you of stuff, when she can see for herself that your mom is okay. Is it just because she isn't allowed in your home? Is that the real problem do you think? Otherwise it isn't logical to me.