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ginalsatv Asked January 2012

What are my rights when sister has DPOA and doesn't always let me know what's going on with mom?

I to have a pushy sister but she has a DPOA. She is very adamint that I can not do for my mom. Thank god mom is in residential care now and doing very well. A week ago they had meeting to tell how mom is doing and to see if we have questions. I was not notified but found out about it so addressed my sister and she claimed the meeting was for her not me. Well I just told her I had every right to go because she was also my mom. I went against her wishes and found that it was for the family. I only found out because they sent a copy of the notice to moms room and mom asked me to read it.
Sis and I have never thought on the same level and it was aways a struggle to care for mom because she was of little assistance and for the most part I did most of the in home care. When the Dr told mom it was time for the nursing home she agreed and we started steps to get her into the one she wanted.
Sis was in denial and said we needed to take care of her at home so I went forward and did the looking myself. After having sis on my case for a month she said I will take care of the rest because I have POA. Well she dragged her feet but about 3 months later mom signed herself it as they did have a bed where she wanted to go. Now sis is so shut mouth about everything I have to did for facts on what is going on. I have finally talked to the adminastrater and asked them to notify me when there are meeting about mom etc. Can she do anything to stop me at this point.

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palmtrees1 Jan 2012
Luvmom, thanks for the comments. I had a bad day with Mom yesterday and my posts show it. But this is the norm for us. And you are right about me just forgetting it. It is a lifetime of hurt and frustration. At 60, who needs that. Thank you very much.
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anonymous101100 Jan 2012
Ouch, I see! Well why even bother trying to help then, let things play out as they will. Sorry about that. My parents never had money to give or loan except twenty bucks here and there. Their house was their only estate that they wanted to leave but it went to moms health care. Sorry about your situation, all you can do is not do the care when asked and into a NH or AL she will go. Take care...
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palmtrees1 Jan 2012
Luvmom, I will be 60 years old in April. Since I was a teen my Mom told me she couldn't pay for anything. She had to save for a nursing home for her and my father. There was no college, no wedding help, no help with my three kids college (one Ivy League), no money for anything. So I naturally thought she had nothing. It wasn't until Dad died my brothr discovered how much they had. She is a mizer guarding her stash. Just selfish.

We have never asked her for a penny, and at this point it makes me sick to take anything from her. But this situation of not helping us plan for the future is just crazy. My parents were those people who wanted all their money to go anywhere except there kids or grandkids. And we are a pretty great bunch. Educated in spite of them, good kids. They were lucky. But no one misses Dad and they won't miss Mom either. So is money worth it. I think not.
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anonymous101100 Jan 2012
They feel like they are losing their independence, its so tough! UNfortunately a nursing home will be nothing like that, assisted living might be? Yes they will get her money unless its changed over looking back 5 years. IF she has a stoke now, you will have to wait till she is 86 to be able to not give all her money up, and thats if she makes one NOW! Thats what happened with us, and all her money is gone except SS. I am glad it was there thou, after all its her money and it was for the best home care possible, I still have her with me, and she will never go into a nursing home even thou she now would qualify. At least my moms money did not go to a nursing home where they dont get the one on one love you get at home.
Sit down and talk to her,thats all you can do. Do not be her fulltime caregiver without compensation.
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palmtrees1 Jan 2012
Luvmom, if only she would comply. No lawyer, won't put me on as an alternate, so I am left hanging if I had to take care of her. Just so selfish, doesn't care about what this will cause her children. And on the top of that, she has close to 1 million dollars, all put away for the nursing home she thinks will be like a cruise. Everyone waiting on her hand and foot. She is sooo foolish. But hardheaded and no she does not have dementia. She is a healthy 81 years old and a complete jerk.
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anonymous101100 Jan 2012
I have to add that I never had Mom declared incompetent by any doctor and have never had a problem in the hospitals and she has been in then 3 times , in a rehad for a short time, and the ER a few times. Its obvious to all Mom is incompetent, so they go to the DPOA. I just dont want people to think they have to declare them, when its obvious, there is no problem. Madge1, while you are there at the lawyers I would also do a caregivers contract and a Trust if she owns a home or anything to avoid probate. My Mom refused to do it all for so long that she didnt fit into the 5 year look back and we had to use her house money until it ran out. If you can get your mom there do it asap.
Oh isnt getting old so much fun :((((((((
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palmtrees1 Jan 2012
It depends on the POA. A durable power of attorney broad powers is in effect the moment it is notorized. A "springing" durable pwoer of attorney is in effect when the parent is deemed incompetent by one or two physicians. It all depends on the wording of the power of attorney. No matter, your Mom should have the final say if she is competent as to who knows what. Mom should take a hard look at the behavior of the sister who has the POA. If she can change it to you, I would certainly what her to do so. You have done all the care, you should be the POA.

I just had a conversation with my Mom just trying to get her to see an elder lawyer and draw up a DPOA, Medical Directive and any thing else she needs. She made my brother agent on a DPOA but I believe it to be "springing" which will be a pain in his butt. She has no Medical Directive. I don't know. They don't tell me anything but of course I have been "told", I will take care of Mom. Right.......

When I asked Mom about these papers she asks why she would need them, she has her Medicare card????? And no she doesn't have dementia. Just stalling and very, very, did I say very, difficult.
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dnnstpierre Jan 2012
She does not say if the Mother is of sound mind? If the Mother can still make decisions for herself the DPOA is not in effect. It must be invoked by a physician or the courts that she is unable to do these things on her own.
The durable power of attorney for health care is the legal document that names a patient's health care proxy. Once written, it should be signed, dated, witnessed, notarized, copied, distributed, and incorporated into the patient's medical record. You should keep the original in a safe place and make multiple copies for you physicians. You will be required to provide one each and every time you are admitted to the hospital or an alternative healthcare setting.

Remember, this proxy only takes effect should you be unable to communicate your wishes concerning treatment. If you become able to express your wishes at any time, and you are mentally competent, the health care proxy will no longer be in effect.
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anonymous101100 Jan 2012
Yes the DPOA sets the rules, sorry, but thats how it is, been there. They cannot even tell you anything unless she says so or they are breaking laws.
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dnnstpierre Jan 2012
Unless your sister has a Health Care Proxy and has told the nursing home she does not want you involved in healthcare decisions regarding your Mom or has a restraining order from the courts banning you from being there you have every right to be there. I have the HCP and POA for my Dad and I call my sister's weekly sometimes daily to let them know how Dad is doing and if there is anything we need to go over. Shame on your sister for trying to keep you in the dark. Maybe she is trying to hide something else? Maybe money or a will?
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