Should I move near my elderly parents for a job?

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K

kn Asked January 2012

Should I move near my elderly parents for a job?

I am considering a new job in my field, better benefits and offering more experience (not sure it it will be offered to me yet), but in a town with my parents.My mother is socially isolated, in poor health, drinks, and is not emotionally available which breaks my heart. My father cares for her (lives in separate home) but is stressed himself and critical at times which stresses me out. The job would be a good career and salary move, but I wonder about my mental health and emotional stamina. I'm comfortable and Ok with where I live, and feel relatively secure, though lonely and I also worry about not moving on myself. I'm middle-aged and tired of trying to think of my parents first or worrying about them, as my personal life has passed me by. All I talk to are supportive of my move, but knowing myself and the issues I have with my parents, I'm afraid I'll be unhappy, burn out at my job, and/or spend all my time and money trying to avoid depression with therapy, and might not want to settle in this new town anyway in the long term. I do have trouble with personal boundaries, so geographic boundaries help me emotionally stay sane but it makes me feel I'm avoiding issues. I want to spend more meaningful time with my parents because avoiding them won't solve the problem but I have no significant other to ease/share/counter the stress. Is it worth the move? Any advice or thoughts on the matter would be appreciated.

Working Caregiver

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score 0 · Answer 1

Thank you, all who have written so far, for your very thoughtful and helpful responses.

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score 0 · Answer 2

I moved back home 17 yrs ago, and I don't regret it. I have alot of bad memories with people who live here or near here, and I just stay away from them. My mom used to drink a whole lot more, and since I've been back here drinking has gone way down.

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score 1 · Answer 3

You want to spend more meaningful time with your parents because avoiding them won't solve the problem. That is commendable. Realistically, spending more meaningful time with them may not solve the problem either, and just because you would be geographically closer doesn't automatically ensure that the time you spend with them will be "meaningful." If your mother drinks and is socially and emotionally unavailable, living close to her might not change much in her relationship with you. If your dad's critical interactions make you anxious, being close might make that worse.

Moving might give you a chance to resolve some long-standing issues. At the very least it may give you that satisfaction of knowing that you tried. Be realistic in your expectations and you are less likely to suffer severe disappointment.

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score 1 · Answer 4

kn, I think you should sit yourself down and put your future imagination glasses on. Allow yourself to see WHAT it will look like for your to move close to your parents. Go through the best and worse scenarios and then make your decision. If you decided to take the job and go, then think ahead of time what boundaries you'll need to have in place first. Don't go willy nilly without a plan.

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score 2 · Answer 5

This is very near to my heart. I feel as you do, knowing that I have physically separated myself by distance from family problems in order to avoid. That being said, I have decided to move back to my home town to help my mother in her last years. This means facing old emotional ties and influences (my sister, brother) - even my husband has old bad memories he will have to face when we move back. I like to think I have matured enough to remain the person I have become, instead of reverting back to the person I used to be - unfulfilled, insecure and malleable. It's a tough call and I support your realization that it will be hard. Be brave, be aware of the emotional pulls, and be strong.

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Should I move near my elderly parents for a job?

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