My mother, who is a highly functioning 84-year-old, stepped over the line as far as verbal abuse. How do I handle this?

My husband had Phillips lifeline and I kept it because I fall occasionally-my son tested it outside our house and it works out there except for one area near one part of tge house outside. They call me once a month to test it -it is always after a phone call that I answer so you do not have to worry that it will not be done. The only thing my phone is with our cable company and when the power is off or the cable is out it will not work and I am going to call them to see if I can use my cell phone. It is 39 dollars a month and when they test it -it comes through loud so you do not have to be near the monitering box.

Me again. I know your question was more about alert systems that your mom could use if an accident occurred or she needed help. I think that's a great idea and I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for your area.

Rebecca: I'm not sure I understand your situation completely, but let me just share a personal reflection. I am the oldest of 4 children. I always had a difficult time with my mom growing up. I left home at 18 years old and moved away. My 3 sibs lived closest to my mom and dad all their lives and were there for holidays, birthdays, etc. My mom had a way of hurting my sibs too. Long story short, at age 55 I extended an invitation for my parents to move out of state and live next door to us on our property. My husband and I had retired and my mom had always wanted me to be in charge of her health issues. No one else (sibs) was retired, everyone worked and my parents had health issues and safety issues. My husband was not happy about having my parents move here, but he did it for me. I did everything I could for my mom, but I think she was somewhat narcissistic. At one point, I started walking with a friend on my street and going to weight watchers. I lost 35 pounds and was so happy about it. But my mom was pretty resentful that I was so into my walking, etc. One day she let me have it about my walking (this took about 60 minutes per day). She said, "All you think about is your walking" and I was shocked at her attitude. I told her, "Mom, walking is the only thing I do for myself. It's for my health." Now bear in mind, that I gave my mom daily injections, took her to hundreds of doc appointments, colored and fixed her hair, cleaned their house, took care of their finances, prescriptions, etc., and fixed their meals. My mom passed away after 3 plus years. The first two weren't so bad, she was happy because I had no purpose but to serve them. But the last year was bad. That's when I started walking and looking after my health. That's also when she started overdoing her pain meds. I still regret that the last year of her life was so hard for both of us. It's not what I would have wanted. I can still remember my Dad telling my brother, Maureen does everything for mom, but nothing she can do is good enough. I was grateful for that, but I am still kind of ticked at my mom for not being more loving towards me. I did my best and thought at this stage of my life I could handle her with more grace and wisdom. Unfortunately, the last year was much like my child hood memories. I would have wished it could have ended on a better note. One that would have made me feel like I had crossed a bridge with her.

My point is, it's totally reasonable for you to not want to spend your life living with anxiety about your mom or her nasty attitude toward you. Life is too short. Still, no matter what it's hard to live with the loss of not feeling like you ever made that connection with your mom that you wanted to make. It's a need we all share.

Don't let people bully you or treat you badly. If they can't give you the respect you deserve, at least give it to yourself. What else can you do?

The farm is large and Dad arranged for the lake (13 acres) and some pasture land for horses to be community property. Mother has a life estate for the house, but it is very large and 189 years old. There are no visible neighbors.Dad wanted my very small family to live with her and plans were drawn up to create Mother a large apartment. Mother does not want anyone living with her. The house is not something I really want. It is too large and I would not ever feel like it is my house. All of the children are allowed to select property to build a house. My suggestion to her has been that my family does that instead of the house being left to me. We can vote as a family group to do that. I am the only one living near her now, and have been looking after my parents for 20 years. My father wanted me to have the house for several reasons. He felt I could keep the family together, and he felt badly about not being able to pay for my college education during an earlier recession when he did so for the older children. Mother and I had a very frank discussion, and my older brother seemed to be the catalyst to her rant. He is a doctor,and ignored my parents and everyone else for about 40 years. I was brutally honest with him and am on speaking terms with him now. I will no longer allow people to bully me. If mother starts a rant, I end any contact. I am trying to use the kind suggestions given by members of this forum to find her a monitoring system. Thank you to everyone for your help. Rebecca

I'm just trying to get the facts straight. Your mom lives on the farm that your dad gave to you. Maybe she has a life estate? I'm guessing that you don't live there, but I'm not sure. Could you clarify that for me?

When I was growing up I called myself Cinderella because that was how I was treated-you might want to read cmagnum's thread about dysfuntional families -he has good insight on mothers and how they affect their kids later on in life and about detachment-which is what I have had to do with my mother-even now she has me feeling like a bad 6 yr. old and now I know it is not me that is and was the problem.

Dear Rebecca, first let me say that I know what you are going through. I am 52, single and after living in NYC for 10 years, I have moved back into the family home to live with my 90 year old Mother who is healthy, thank God... but has treated me terribly at times in my life. It's ironic that I am the one to move in to care for her and keep her in place. Living with a Mother who is critical, abusive and dwells on administering as much guilt as she can dish out, it just horrible. Isn't a Mom supposed to love you, all the time, no matter what? I think its the generation. I often wonder what my Mom's childhood was like. I don't have children but I feel like I treat my nieces and nephews fairly and at sometimes have to practice some tough love, but they know the boundries with me. Having to visit your Mom every day has to take its toll on you, I can imagine that everytime you drive up to the house you are wondering if you are going to find her alive. I know that feeling of wondering what will I do if she's not alive..I feel that way in the early morning hours when I check on my Mom before going to work. I looked up the monitoring bracelet for you. I hear that ADT offers a good service, http://www.adt.com/home-security/solutions/medical-alert-systems..I called about the other one, the one that's on TV, but I didn't like how they tried to get information on how much $ we made. Seemed like a scam. ADT has a monitoring service which I think it important for an elderly person. If your Mom is like mine, no matter what you get it won't be good enough, so just get one that you think is the best and you'll be fine. It will help to give you some peace for when you aren't there. My sister calls our Mom about 5x a day so she is like a living life alert system. I work during the day and can be home in 15 minutes, so for now that's how we are caring for Mom. I don't socialize much and feel like the years are just flashing by. But at the end of the day I look up to heaven and give my Dad credit for putting up with her for 56 years and I do this for him because he loved her more than anything, and she's my Mom and this is the right thing to do. Hang in there and thanks for posting and pulling these words out of me. This is my first post/reply, so I apoligize for rambling...this is good therapy.

Alert One is the most resonable monthly service we can find. As for me, it is my MIL living in our home for the last three years. She has had no kind thought of anything I do or think from the moment she moved in. I am still purposed to be kind and caring, but it is a drain. I say all of this to encourage you to take care of yourself. We went to a Senior Support Group for over a year, but the guilt game for my husband is now damaging his health. I already have Fibromyalgia and am force to caregive myself. Again, take care of yourself first so that your health is not more damaged making you in need of care-giving.

Rebecca I think you are doing the right thing staying away-she is not going to change what she is doing works well for her. I have Lifeline by Phillips it cost 39 dollare a month and they call once a month to check on it. I ive in a small town and my son tested it outside and it works well in most places outside.

I have never been on one of these boards. But I found it because I am at witts ends with my mother. What you guys are describing is my mom exactly. She is 83 and the only difference is I am the only child. She is so mean, she embarrasses me when we are out eating or to cashieres because she is so hateful.She is hateful and jealous of her sister and if she starts verbally attacking her and her sister hangs up on her then she cries to me or my kids telling us how bad her sister is because she hung up on her. She can be the nicest person in the world but she can be the meanest. She has always said the meanest things to me when she is mad at me. She brings up every mistake I have ever made. I do not have a job right now and am desperately trying to get one. I am going to school to get my Bachelors degree and she even bashes me for that saying that I go to school just so I dont have to work. I never get credit for anything. I am expected to be there though at the drop of a hat. She is so self centered and everything has to be aout her. Her entire conversations are about her. I love her but I am so tired of being beat down by her words. If she does help someone we here about it forever. I am just so tired of living like this, but she has no one else that will do it.

My Mom can be really nasty and mean with her mouth when we were children she could be mean with her hands and other weapons such as wooden spoons...Now she has dementia no filter and she can just be so UNKIND! I would suggest backing away and letting someone else deal with her. take care, Jaye

I like all of the comments! Totally agree with handsome Eddie!!!! You are too funny!!!! I really think that a nursing home, assisted living or you could allow her to stay in her home, but empty out anything you don't want stolen & hire someone to live with her, could only be a few days a week! You could also just have someone come in every day of the week except the day you want to go see her. Make sure you do background checks! My elderly uncle hired a gal after his wife passed away, she came in every day of the week! Then she brought her husband in to do repairs on the old home & before you knew it they were robbing him left & right! When he fired the gal, her husband came in that night & had a gun, my uncle heard him come in & he opened his night stand as he had a pistol for protection & yelled out "I have a pistol!" The guy ran out! Both were arrested after they forged my uncle's signature on some blank checks they'd stollen, for thousands of dollars! I am not telling you this so you won't hire someone, just as a warning to really check people out, my uncle didn't! He & my aunt had used this gal for house cleaning prior to my aunts death & he felt comfortable around her that is why he began to use her daily, never checked her out! But there are many, many good, good people out there that have no work, they could come in & clean & visit with your mother! I would keep all meds at your home as some like to steal those! Good luck dear & take care of yourself, I too had a mother that was verbally abusive & physically! Know what you are going through!!!

Rebecca you are not whining and please stop saying that. You need to take better care of yourself. I think you should seriously think of putting mom in an assisted living center or NH. Life is short, at this rate she might outlive you. You say you also take care of an older sib. Just don't volunteer for this caregiving anymore. After you have placed her in a facility, then just visit her once a week or less. You can still love someone and have boundaries and be a dutiful daughter too.

REB:

Hey girl! Time to let your hair down and, w/o being crude, crass, and obscene, serve notice you're not taking c__p anymore. Your mom might drop her dentures in disbelief, but trust me: it'll be a liberating experience.

She'll rant, rave, and try to flip the script on you; but don't back down and apologize as I assume you've always done. It's a brand new day.

My mother is 93 and acts the same she feels entitled to be mean except when it suits her needs-I keep a distance as much as I can -my sister lives near her and when I go to visit my sister has me stay with her-my sister because she has seen Mom in action with me and her verbal digs to me-I know I can not have a relationship with her I do not argue back because of her age and when I am with her I have decided to just ignor her digs-you may have to face the fact she does not want a relationship with her I would call social service and relate to them your concerns-since she has the right to live there and wants to-they will have to get her assesed as to her safety and with the decision not comming from you she can get mad as hell but will have to go along with their ideas -you need to be away from her -tell social services about her family that could give a hand-you do not deserve to be treated this way and should not be expected to put up with it any longer-she may have to be placed but it will be up to her in the long run-please call social services right away and get help-you may have to rescue yourself from this situation-I had to with my husband-he pushed me to the point I could not and would not care for him-it was his behaivor that got him placed. You need to take care of yourself-she made the decision when she treated you so badly-I had the same thing with my mother growing up so I relate very much with you. Keep us posted-we can all help each other there are so many going through the same things with their parents and spouses.

Oh Rebecca don't feel badly... just take care of you... I have never smoked either and I have bad asthma... sometimes I get so tired!!! take care and God Bless....

Thank you for all of your answers. My father left the farm in trust so that my mother could stay in her house but the house was technically mine. I cannot win with her and no longer want to fight her one-sided battle that involves her wanting to control everything. I am going to back off for a while and ask a few of her friends to check on her some. I think she is going to have to implode and realize that she cannot keep living alone. She had a traumatic brain injury 4 years ago and does not always remember everything. I will try to protect her from a distance and let her come to her own understanding about limitations. I am not trying to be harsh, but I have just been diagnosed with COPD even though I have never smoked. I am just weary. Please forgive my whining. I am usually tougher than this. Rebecca

Years ago I read a book about Difficult People sadly my Mother is that difficult person in my life... I love her because I know I supposed to, however I don't really like her much and I would happily ignore her except I feel an obligation to her. My Dad passed away and my sisters for the most part do not wish to be bothered. Some days are harder that others and today sadly is one of those days. If things don't change soon, I will be the one taking the anxiety pills and the anti-depressants, that is what my sister thinks I should get for Mother.

You want to be close to your mother and create a loving relationship. I want to be 4 inches taller and have naturally curly hair. Sigh. We can't always have what we want, can we?

You can control your own behavior. You can be loving. I doubt that you can control the nature of the relationship. With the help of your therapist perhaps you can turn your attention to more attainable goals.

It is your house. If having your mother living in it alone is causing you too much stress, change that. One option is to insist she hire paid help. Another, of course, is for her to move to a care center of some sort. You can make the rules. If she is going to live in your house she has to 1), 2), 3) -- whatever conditions will relieve your anxiety. She won't agree to those terms? Offer to help her house hunt.

I am so glad you are working toward your own mental well-being. You could have Mother to deal with for another 10 to 15 years, perhaps with increased needs. Don't wait that long to take charge of your own happiness!

if necessary think of her having place in assisted living facility and or get someone else to be her caregiver for couple hrs of the day...you need the break not the hassle ....if the house is urs then she has to share domicile so check the fine print...just cuz she mean doesnt mean she has problems adjusting to be single ...there have to be daycare senior centers in the area that can pick her up and allow her to mellow with some of her own age...she needs stimulation and maybe grief counselling age doesnt give a right to meaness...so have her evaluated and have the house evaluated ; to see if she is at risk for living in that big place with no type of aid could put her at injury...only takes the littlest things but i understand what you are saying of the PTSD ...hubby has it and I may have it but i have anxiety disorder that gets to be a real bear and i end up losing sleep etc....so ask for advice and call social services etc...you are already caring for an older sibling time for someone else to step in....I wish i had that ....but i take care of my husband and raise 2 young children so praise ur strength in setting the limits...toxicity can be a bad thing..

RLP, I was wondering why she thought she could move into a house that was yours? Seems to me you have more power than you give yourself credit for. If your mom needs live-in help or whatever, don't you have every right to insist on it? And I wouldn't be afraid to bring that little tidbit of information to her attention either.

Thank you for both answers. My husband and I are going to try to find a monitoring service that might work in her rural area. If one works, we are willing to pay for it. Does anyone know of a monitoring service that works in rural areas? I really wanted to become close to my mother and create a loving relationship. I just can't and won't do it to myself and my family anymore. She is just plain mean and enjoys it. My grandmother and father would be appalled by her behavior. Thank you for your help!

Can you get an alert bracelet and monitoring service for her? That way, she can summon help if she needs it. I applaud you drawing the line, it's the only way to show her tha bad behavior is NOT rewarded. Good luck!

I just read your post Rebecca and I must say I can relate. I have always been my Mother's whipping post and she can be very mean and hateful. Her Mother was this way and it is just so sad to me. My Grandmother loved me and was very attentive to me and I think that has always bothered my Mom. My Grandmother has been gone for a long time. But my Mom will be 85 in April, I have tried everything with her. At times (when it suites her) she can be nice. I would say distance yourself as much as possible( I know that is easier said than done) and take care of you. Encourage your other siblings to call her and think seriously of Lifeline (or something like it) so she can get help if she needs it. One thing I taught my children was becareful about your words cause words can HURT!
(as you and I well know, and they cannot be taken back ) take care J