As POA for my 76-year-old mother with dementia do I have the right to stop her from getting married?

This post is two years old. I don't know how they get resurrected, but I'll voice an opinion. A power of attorney does NOT entitle a person to interfere in another person's life. We all need to understand that. Unless a person has been declared incompetent in a courtroom? They can do whatever the heck they want to do.

NGU, what country do you live in? ("Solicitor" is not a term typically used in US.) Since laws may vary by country this could make a difference.

Does your mother need someone to take care of her? Would this man be satisfied to be paid to play that role?

I don't think as POA you can stop her from getting married (at least in the US). POA does not give you authority over her person -- to determine where she lives, who she lives with, etc. It just authorizes you to look after her finances. But maybe if you make it clear to both of them that you will not allow the title to the house to change and the you will continue to manage her finances that will cool his ardor somewhat.

Has Mom known this man for many years, or is this a new friendship?

What does Brother think of this situation?

PS He wants to marry her and she would go along with it not realizing the problems it can corse

My brother and I have joint Power of Attorney. My mother wants to live with this man he does care for her but he likes lining his pockets doing it. It is totally about control he wants to marry her as her carer and is opposing our power of attorney he wants control over my mothers funeral if she passes first and where she will be laid to rest, we want our mother buried with our father. He has tried to change the title on my mothers house we have a solicitor and he is about to do a title search. I just want to know if we can do any thing to stop them from getting married

NGU is SHE saying he wants to marry her or is HE saying he wants to marry her? Sometimes dementia has extreme flights of fancy.

NGU100, what is your role in your mother's life? Are you guardian? Have POA? Where does she live? Has she been declared incompetent? Are there a lot of financial assets involved? A little more information, please.

My mother is 80 years old and has Dementia an 81 year man wants to marry her I do not think for the right reasons. He can fill out all the forms a month in advance then take her any where and marry if she presents well on the day how is the clergyman to know she has Dementia. Or he could try to marry her as her carer is that possible??

Phew! good she didnt marry him!

Well Mom didn't get married thank goodness. She was diagnosed with primary progressive aphasia with dementia last year.Her disease explained her very bad judgement and decision making. After the boyfriend fussed about not being included in information about her Dr.visits I point blank asked him if he was ready to accept responsibility for her care. They broke up shortly after and Mom cried to move once again this time to a senior apt complex. They asked her to move after 2 short months. Moved to assisted living but that didn't work either. Mom is here with me, should of walked her down the aisle lol! The boyfriend didn't have dementia and was a very healthy 64 yr. Old. I think a lot of the love between them was my Mom needed a companion and she had a tv and he didn't! She gave him a lot of attention and things he didn't have. Now looking back I should of just ignored a lot of things but couldn't put my finger on mom's crazy actions, now I know. Thanks everyone, it's one of those things I can laugh about now...laughing is good !!

Ronnie355, since your question was from two years ago, please tell us what happened to your Mom? Inquiring minds want to know :)

OH MY GOD! ive seen and heard it all now just OMG if mum did this oh id just run for the hills! sorry i think its funny in a way.

I think a great idea "fake wedding". But if shes still competent OMG so sorry you and if she is then get a pre-nup. Surely your lawyer can help you.
Sorry im in shock you just never think of these things happening. Let us know what happens!

Cant say i was in my right mind when i married hubby weve since divorced!!!

Funny, but in the movies, we'd all be going "awwwww....' In real life, not so much.

Like the idea of a pre-nup! I guess the question is are they both in a state of dementia? What about the man's family? What do they think? Who ever thought we'd all be dealing with these issues!

You say both of them have dementia issues so one question I would have is whether either of them are in a memory care unit. For us here, memory care is a separate locked unit for those who need that additional care, although it is still considered part of assisted living or personal care depending on the licensing of the facility. If these individuals are in a memory care unit just how would a marriage even begin to happen? Clearly they are unable to follow through and take care of the needed preparations for a wedding and why would you assist simply because they have expressed a desire to marry. Let's get real, there is far more at stake than happiness here. A spouse is legally required to care for their husband or wife to the extend that their financial situation could be impacted leaving them without the funds they personally need to care for themselves when the time comes. And with dementia, that time no doubt will come. Check with your own lawyer as far as the power with your POA. I'm not sure some info here is accurate.

I would love too know what happened in the end in this case, but for anyone facing this problem, Yes a person with dementia can get married out of their free will BUT if the person with Dementia is assessed an is sectioned under the Mental Health act in a Nursing home (USA) Or Nursing and residential (UK) The persons Sectioned has no Rights and has lost the ability to make decisions on their own, and there for a relative (Or is no relative a representative) will be given Power of Attorney. This means that you will deal with their finances etc and it would be solely up too you whether to allow them to marry or not. You can apply thru the home they are in for them to be assessed by an out reach team who will ultimately decide whether then are unable to make such decisions there self's.

Definately PRE NUP so his family and relatives don't get anything belonging to your mother! I also like lovely but not legal. Her disease will progress. They can be together without the legal piece.

My grandmother outlived three husbands and married for the THIRD time at age 80 and they had 16 years together. Of course, she did not have dementia. We all need love, and personally, I say don't interfere EXCEPT to make sure the financial ducks are all in a row. See an Elder Law Attorney - every state is different. Then give her your blessing and a nice wedding. I also feel that lying is inappropriate as well as FAKE weddings. My two cents. :0)

sandfox, I think the answer to your question is in two parts: the "marriage" isn't legal if no license is pulled, and then a certification of the marriage filed with the license, post-ceremony. So anyone could perform the ceremony -- ordained, not ordained -- and the lack of legal paperwork keeps it not legal. THIS MAY BE NOT TRUE IN STATES THAT ALLOW COMMON LAW MARRIAGE -- so pay attention to that. ANd pay attention to what constitutes common law marriage (for example, co-habitation may be required).
As for the certificate -- Michael's, or any other art supply store, or an office supply store like Staples, will sell pre-made certificates you can just fill in.

Personally, I do not think the idea of a fake wedding is a good idea, although I appreciate the creativity. First, how are you planning on getting the other party to go along with it? Second, unless her cognitive abilities have declined very drastically, then you have to assume that she is going to find out about it, which could irreperably damage your relationship with her. Third, I do think there is a tricky ethical issue.

The only way I see those three factors not being a part of the equation is if one or both parties involved do not have the cognitive skills necessary to make a decision about marriage. And if that's the case, it would seem to me that guardianship is in order, rendering this a moot point.

My other question would be what kind of acceptance have you and your family shown to this man? Let's assume for a second that he genuinely cares about your mother and does not have nefarious motives. Recognizing their relationship -- e.g. referring to him as her "boyfriend," "suitor," or "partner" -- may provide your mother with the emotional validation she is hoping that a marriage would bring.

I think the idea of a fake wedding the best solution. It will avoid financial and legal difficulties and allow both of them to be happy. I was wondering....how do you get around the issue of a marriage certificate after the wedding--if using a qualified minister/JP--which will make the union legal?

Unless she is legally declared incompetent and unless you get guardianship, it would be her decision.Main consideration is financial. How do each of them pay for living facility?? Self-pay or government assist??If married would she be liable for the added cost of his expenses if he couldn't pay ,etc. Also, if either has to go to nursing home with higher level of care, would the other then be liable for those expenses? Even with pre-nup saying individually responsible for own expense, I'm sure any facility would use whatever means to recover cost of care of either. Pension/health benefits from former husband might stop.
Address the financial to protect her interests.
She deserves to be happy, so a "fake" wedding might work out best.

Unless a court deems her incompetent and assigns a guardian, the answer is no. Further, just a diagnosis of dementia is not in and of itself justification for obtaining guardianship -- you have to prove an inability for your mother to handle her own affairs, not just make bad decisions that you don't agree with.

If you are truly concerned about this and want to stop her, your first step would be to file a guardianship petition with the clerk of the court in the county in which your mother has residence. The process then involves getting depositions and testimony from people who are able to tell the court about her condition. This would include physicians, caregivers, family members, and professional advisors. Your mother -- or her attorney -- has the right to cross-examine these individuals. The court may also appoint a guardian ad litegem to represent the court before the court (if that makes sense).

Depending on the state you live in, the guardianship process could take anywhere from 3 months to 1 year. If thisis something that is happening quickly, you would want to apply for a temporary, emergency guardianship.

If she marries, both new spouses have created legal consequences for a host of issues, not the least being inheritance rights. Further, facilities like your mom's are potential sources of STDs and other health issues. Whatever happens, get a pre-nup. But if legal competency is an issue, then the protections may not be adequate. Love may be all around, but so too are many practical and legal issues. What does her gentleman friend's family say? Will assets be joint? Tax filing joint? Supplementary insurance status? Life insurance and account benficiaries?

Get help and heed the details.

--Michael Froman

My question is, why would you want to stop her, aside from her being not really able to use good judgement? Do you question the intent of the intended husband? Is the purpose for happiness? Is there some financial equation going on on his part? As a family member, I would wonder about the financial consequences to everyone in the will, if there is a will. Other than that, let her have some happiness if she can find a way with dementia.

How about setting up a "fake" wedding with no "real" papers signed? Let them think they are getting married as they did when they were younger. In your mother's mind she may "think" she is 30 years old again and this is the love of her life. She may not realize she is 76, as you know with Dementia and ALZ, she is going back in years. I would ask the facility their thoughts and see if you can't set up a "fake" wedding along with the Groom's family. Have you spoken to them? What do they say?
Keep in touch, would like to know how this is solved.
Blessings,
Bridget

Pre-NUP

Does the nursing home know? They may not like it either. They might help with the declaration of incompetence. Also, maybe you could arrange a ceremony that is lovely but not legal?

The "short answer" is no you can't, unless she has been deemed incompetent by at least two physicians.

Not sure about the simple answer to your question - state laws could vary, or it could be case to case; as a guardian you would more likely have the absolute say so on it. You might want to consider letting her do it, if you can be sure it is all kosher financially. It might bring them both some happiness. Check with an eldercare attorney or at least the facility social worker to find out any effects on benefits or any other concerns. Most ALF and even skilled nursing facilities will arrange for husband and wife to share a room, sometimes with substantial cost savings also. If nothing else she should have semi-private room rate without the usual worries about getting along with one room mate after another. But, if the relationship seems abusive or not a healthy, friendly and supportive one in any way, you would at least want to involve some facility staff in helping assess it and guide the decisions and planning to deal with it in the best way possible.