Would you postpone active online dating because you're waiting for your mom to die?

I would persue a relationship on -line but be very careful-you would want someone who lives close-online did not work for me -met lots of frogs and then I reconnected with a classmate when his wife died-I called to say that I was sorry and after a few weeks we went out for coffee and now we are in a good relationship and having a good person in your life makes life so much easier-even if you are a caregiver having a special person who really cares for you is so important and it is worth going for-just take any relationship slow in the beginning and look for red flags.

I waited, not for my parent to die, but for my child to grow up. Her father and I divorced when she was one. He was having an affair with a woman at work and she wanted to see divorce papers before she would sleep with him!!! Yipee!!

Anyway, I waited to date because I had wanted this child so desperately that I did not want to push her to the side for a man. I was afraid she would "get lost" while I was looking for a man, so I put her first. I love her to know end and she is now 21 and I am now wishing I had not waited. The older you get the more difficult it becomes. It is harder to find men and lets face it we get to looking older as well among other things and it is just not as easy as it would have been 20 years ago.

Now however I am the sole 24/7 caregiver for my Mom and I am wishing to God I had a boyfriend just to have someone to turn to for comfort, a hug, a get away, dinner, just someone to love. I am now 60 and I am fairly sure I will never meet anyone at this age. I makes me feel so sad to be here in this place knowing that I will probably be alone til the day I die. I do not know how a man would react to dating someone with a parent they care for. I think he would have to be very special to step into this situation.

I am going to say, be very careful, do not mention your daughter, yet, be very very careful, but do not do what I did and wait for 20 years.... Find love when you can and hopefully you will run into that special man. You never mentioned love, you only mentioned financial help, I hope you find love.

I and a gal pal both had the same experience with on-line dating. Relationship scams. The first red-fflag- they want to get you off site into a live chat- no going slow for these guys! Then, before you have had any real meaningful convos, or gathered info, they give you a story making themselves seem like the cath of a lifetime. All of a sudden, they are travelling to an exotic country- Ghana, africa, somewhere similar. Suddenly one of any number of emergencies come up. They are in dire trouble. Even a fake doctor may call to say if the bill is not paid, they won't get treated- the luggage is lost, the business deal is almost complete, but they were robbed, can't get the hotel paid, money is in an account they froze before leaving the country . That's just a few scenarios. But it always smells the same, I'm not going to waste my time or expose myself to a criminal again.

If the right person comes along you can have a relationship while cargiving and the right man would be helpful and help to balance out your life.

I have to disagree tina maria.Why do I or any middle aged person for that fact have to put our lives on hold to care for someone all the time.We all need someone to love and care for us as well while we do the caring.A burned out Caregiver
is of no use to anyone and just breeds resentment.

Naheaton made a good point I would question the motive of a potential mate for financial support ! I, question as well, the statement in the question "waiting for mom to die" WOW!
In situations where we are the one and only, no mate, nobody to help, etc.....you have to focus on one thing. I could care less I have no man in my life right now. Its for a reason. I am focused on my current situation which is my mom's health and needs. Trying to figure out what to do. Financially and with 24/7 help for her. I cannot focus on the fact that at 47, I do not have a husband or mate or anyone to help me with the task I am presented with and the finances involved. I am presented with a family issue that is serious. A relationship would be very hard to start with anyone when you have baggage. Tend to your family needs as you would want yourself tended to in the same situation then when its time, you will meet someone as a mate. Focus on what you would want if you were in your mothers situation.....and let fate happen for you when its time to meet someone that is right for you. You could end up in a bad relationship because of the need for financial support. Bad relationships are not fun. Been there done that with abuse. Best of luck with mom and you.

oh ((((((frannie)))) I am glad you have done this. I could write a book (under an assumed name, of course) of all the characters I met, and things I dealt with during on line dating. I shared details with one girlfriend, and we had lots of fun and also she gave me feedback (reality checks sometimes) which was helpful. . Glad uncle is enjoying your stories. I think the weirdos tend to come out first looking for someone fresh. I was reading about relationships this morning - stuff written by a young man called Christian Carter - you may want to google him. Some of his titles are a bit "up front" but he makes some good points, and one of them is to decide the main qualities you want in a man, and, what you don't want. Some things deserve a big black X and then strike that person off the list of possibilities. He talks about how a guy thinks compared to how a gal does. I also liked Steve Harvey's book too - "Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment". (He has been married 3 times, but I still got something out of his book). You have to do a lot of screening, and in the process you can gain skills in communicating with guys, understanding yourself, and improving your self esteem. I had messaged with guys of all ages who I had no intention of ever seeing, but I found something interesting about them. That may not work for everyone.
One warning - there are networks of guys who prey on women to get money, and they do this by trying to engage you emotionally. Check it out on the internet -google "dangers of online dating" or something like that. They want you to webcam, but never are able to webcam themselves. That is a huge red flag as is anyone who tries to rush you into anything. Some are very skilled at getting women's emotions aroused. After a while I came to recognize them. They can become quite nasty once you show that you know who they are.

If you want any reality checks, I am here! I think i saw it all! ;) It took many months before I found Gary, and he had been on over a year with no success. Good luck!

Joined three different online dating services ans so far the quality of men on that site are a definite"turn off".I have had to block three weirdos so far.But I have to admit it is a bit fun checking my email each day.Even my uncle finds some of these stories funny.

Frannie beware of egar guys I had bad experiences with a guy -I told my son either he was too good to be true or full of shit-he was both too good to be true and full of it. A decent guy will not pressure you to give your phone-he will understand you being careful-just stick with the site to give messages until you meet him in a public place and when I leave the place I do not go straight home-after you meet him in a public place you will get a gut feeling about him-listen to your gut feeling. I know how it is to be lonely and want to meet your soulmate.

This is great! I love it that you all are open to the idea of seeking companionship. I wish love and happiness to you all, but do be careful, operate on your own terms with your security blanket in tack. lol Have fun but be cautious.

I understand, franny. (((((hugs)))) I took a long time to start doing this, and much thought and working through my issues from the past and present. Desperate won't get you where you want to be. I commend you for realising, and admitting it. It is likely to get you someone ese who in a similar frame of mind, Work on your own issues, or you will be a target for unprincipled people who are users. I met G when I was over 70 so you have lots of time in that sense. There are no age limits on romance and love. One thing I found out was to never do anything I was not comfortable doing. Trust your instincts, and don't ever be afraid to say "no". You will never lose a worthwhile friend that way, A good person will respect your boundaries. Sounds like you are getting lessons in boundaries between your uncle and these guys. If you want a healthy relationship, and who doesn't, start setting boundaries with uncle now. It takes a bit of practice, to learn what boundaries are good for you and how to enforce them. You don't want a mate who is like him. And remember, frannie, "You are the catch!" When I first started online dating, someon asked me what I was going to do with all these guys when I caught them. My answer was "I catch no one - I AM the catch". And so are you!

Regarding being alone. Personally, I like being alone, Loneliness however is not great. I have been lonelier in a bad relationship, than I ever was when actually alone. Something to thiink about. Develop friends of both sexes - then you will not be alone. A mate cannot fill all the gaps.

Getting back to the original question M.I hope you can find someone who helps around the house,just do not expect to much at first.Sometimes if you are to demanding in the beginning,the guy runs the other way.

Thanks Emio.I guess I felt pressured to exchange numbers because this guy seemed eager but also partly out of my own desperation to find someone.Most of my family are deceased and the three members who are alive don't communicate.I wanted to meet someone before my uncle passed away.I didn't want to be alone in the world.

I agree with emio do not give out your number-use the site to communicate-beware of anyone who pushes you to give your number-a decent man will respect boundaries and meet like emio said in a diner or coffee shop and let someone know where you will be and for how long.

Mhm, I totally understand the desire for a man in your life, BUT I do worry about your motives beyond companionship. You've got to ask yourself, 'if I were a man looking for a mate, would I want to take on this woman and her problems?' I think you need to look at yourself as a prospective mate would, and then make any adjustments to your man requirements.

((((amber)))) - it is never too late - take time for you now. You could be surprised.:)

frannie - sorry about your experience - I rarely gave my number out - just wrote people using the site messaging, and set up an email account just for that purpose as well. When it came to meeting people I did so at a coffee shop and let my daughter know I was going in advance. I messaged my boyfriend for a month before we met. He did not have my phone number until I had met him, and felt comfortable with him. Others I messaged for that time or longer. You certainly have to protect yourself. If anyone is pressuring you to move faster than you are comfortable with, it is a red flag!

I was stalked online,and will not be too quick to give out my number.Another gentlemen gave me his number,but pretended to be someone else when i called.

I spent my 20's caring for my children, 30's for my mother and 40's my grandmother. I sometimes feel like I never lived my life for myself. I wish I had taken more time for "me". So I think it's a good idea you find someone to make you happy. By the way, the ironic thing in my life is .....I become a nursing assistant in a nursing home and we take care of 42 seniors a night!

franny - I met my boyfriend on Plenty of Fish - yes there are many strange people on there, and on other sites that I paid for. I responded to, or even made first contact with anyone whose profile I liked. Another tip is to make your profile really speak about you. I worked hard to develop a good one that reflected me - interests, my likes, my strengths. I think online, as in person, the first impression is important.
marissa -screening and weeding out is essential. If someone is interested in you, I think they will be sensitive to your situation, but I understand your concerns. By standing beside your mum they will know you are a family person. My boyfriend is one of 5 boys and is the caretaker (at a distance too) to his parents, so he understands the responsibilities involved and it very supportive.

Good luck and prayers to both of you. I am blessed to have met someone.

emjo and franny ~ thanks so much for the wow (words of wisdom). I got it... I don't have to wait & postpone. Know what, been actively chatting with few men who found me on Craigslist. 2 weeks worth of emails & the occasional 1 hour chats on yahoo messenger or google talk. I'm weeding out already and a handful remained I can count them in my 2 hands. I don't need too many anyway. Yes there are strange characters out there. I better heed your advice. I won't wait, but I will also have to be available for them, hopefully they will visit me here & see how it goes. Emjo thanks for the wonderful advice. See you around here. This website is very encouraging to me. I feel good because I know I'm not alone. I got tons of dirty dishes to wash & laundry to finish LOL:-)

Hi M.I would not wait either.You need a balanced life otherwise you will become burnt out.I am caring for my 89 year old uncle who is sometimes very difficult.At 51,I haven't given up the hope of meeting a nice man for a steady relationship.Be careful of online dating.You are better off paying something so you can weed out the creeps.Plenty Of Fish attracts a lot of strange characters.

Hi Marissa
No I wouldn't wait and I didn't. I am in a different situation than you - looking after my mother at a distance. She is in assisted living. She has borderline personality disorder, and I could never have her live with me. She will be 100 in May. I am 74. and had been on my own for over 15 years. A few years ago, I decided I was ready for companionship, and started online dating and after about a year met a man I really like. We are planning for permanency. I would be very cautious about looking for someone in order to help you pay the bills. I met some one like that, and dropped the relationship.because he was not really honest with me. He wanted someone to support him. No one wants to be used. Companionship, and friendship is great, and then you work the other stuff out. Fortunately the man I am with now lives in my city, so we could meet fairly quickly face to face after meeting on line, but I don't think that is necessary. I would be very open about your situation - if a man likes you and you develop a relationship with him, I think you can overcome the problems together. Another thing I tell people who are thinking of online dating is don't be too worried about age differences, if you find a really good person. I was married to someone 16 years younger than me, and my boyfriend is over 13 years younger. Dating on line has its problems and you have to be careful to screen out men who are just looking for what they can get - even at my age! Good luck.