Is there a checklist of what should be in place before a parent moves into a daughter's home to live?
The person wanting to take mom home has no medical or life experience with Alzheimers. I am hoping there is some sort of checklist that could be used to say, this needs to be done before we can say yes to your plan.
I loved my Dad in with us, on short notice. This isn't a check list, but a bunch of things we did which helped: Grab bars installed in shower and near toilet; walkers for every level of the house; boosters to make the sofa taller so he can get in and out of it more easily, a little fridge for his bedroom so he could help himself to food (and Coca Cola!) more independently, handicapped permits in this state, got his meds list, HCPOA, living will, etc. on the fridge just in case, got him his own phone number so he feels more independent. Organizing doctors took way longer than I thought. Transferring prescriptions to a local pharmacy was harder than it needed to be, because the chain he used doesn't exist here. We delayed lining up a CNR service to come in, because we kept thinking we didn't need it --- until we did and I ended up having to cancel a job (I work freelance out of my home) because I couldn't travel. Ended up needing a place to put his meds so he wouldn't just plow through the week's medicine in a day. Set up his computer and got that situated -- again, more time to deal with than I realized. His email address was attached to his home phone number, which caused problem when we turned of the phone. Banking -- get out ahead of that, if you need to switch banks. Basically, think of it like moving to a different state and do all that logically stuff AND like moving with a toddler. Because you'll need to take up rugs and things that could trip him. Make lights easier to turn on and off. Paths for walkers to get past (and move any furniture you don't want dented by the walker, or it will be). Good luck!
I am coming from a different angle than the earlier responses. We moved my mother-in-law in with us and soon found that her other children wanted to do nothing but criticize and put the financial burdens on us solely. NOPE NOPE NOPE We had to get outside help in a social worker and lawyer to lay out things. My husband has POA and Healthcare POA as well as his sister - he had to have her removed because she/her husband/other brother always disagreed with everything. Even those things the social worker and the legal team mapped out. ie. her social security is for her care/needs NOT for her savings (while we paid her bills) so that the others could split her money after her passing. The stress we experience is mostly from the others who do nothing but complain and I really mean that, no calls nor visits just complaining about her money/expenses while we are managing all of her business and her physical care. This can be draining on you and/or a marriage/homelife. We were expected to miss our children's activities and not hire a sitter with her money. Any social worker, lawyer will explain how to lay out a care plan including how money is to be used for her care/needs.
In the beginning, I had a geriatric care manager from the VNA come visit with us on a weekly basis to help me troubleshoot all of the areas I had concerns about and for advice on anything she observed while she was visiting with us. That experience was invaluable and after a few weeks, I felt confident to continue on my own in making their home safe.
The Alzheimer's Association gives classes on caring for people with Alzheimer's, but the knowledge also applies to all caregiving, and usually includes things that you need to do to prepare for elder care. See if you have a class locally. The Red Cross also has classes that probably has a checklist for caregivers.
Those are really good. Two more topics. there taking your stuff in to there room. (a little like hoarding) The wandering in the night.
With my two teens and I moved into a 4 bedroom house with mom. The house had been mom's but she had not lived there for 3 years. We took a while to come up with this solution. Everybody's room had to be a fabulous retreat, so that when they were sick and tired of the rest of us they had somewhere good to go. We moved the easyboy into Thomas's room and put up plywood on my daughters wall so she could graffitti. I set up a little sewing corner and got my self my own TV VCR. One of our computers is a laptop so people can even go out to the picnic bench to do a little work.
The public room had to be indestructable (covers on sofas, easy access to light switches, locks on ALL cupboards and cabinets that Granny should not dishevel). Dining table with a jar of silverware in the center. Rolls of papertowels in several places.
The kids then were not getting their home work done . So I converted the "parlor" into a study hall. We (kids and me) each have a corner that has our desk and book case and all our home work tools. The internet is there and the room is quiet. The kids have permission to leave their projects out and their desk piled high. There are gates on this room so grandma can not go "shopping" for school books and trinkets in my kids stuff.
Wandering and YOUR sleep. If you have a choice of room for the elderly pick one with an attached bath. Then they can go in the middle of the night without entering any public areas. Then think about the architecture of your house and where you can't have them goofing off while you try and sleep-- the two big danger zones are outside and the kitchen. Can you gate them off? can you install a door bell that goes off when they enter that area. I put a gate on the entrance to the entry way so that the front door can continue to be used by key as my teens come home, I have one friend who put a gate on her porch so that in the summer the front door can be wide open. I have these bell alarms on 4 doors and the ringer is in my bedroom. I have one tone for her bedroom and bathroom, I have a crazy tone for the back door and the kitchen door. That way I get a little awake when she peaks out to see if anyone else is up and I get a whole lot awake if she goes into the yard.
Walk in bath tubs. the good--- you can stand outside and "hose them down" with the wand and they are very safe and you are clean and dry. The bad --- they have to sit NAKED and cold while the tub fills and it is too slow for them to have patience with and they end up freezing before they get warm. Some are poorly made so that you have to wait for them to empty too, again resulting in a popsicle grandma. So for now the tub is only used by my kids who fill it and climb in with a chair once it is filled. So the good is we got a safe shower room for grandma with out losing the family tub.
This could be describing my life right now. I have a sister and her husband who have taken control of my mom's checkbook without permission. We had a Social Worker come today and they screamed at her, and threatened her to go ahead and report them to Adult Human Services! I am on a limited budget and have my own health issues and never expected to pay for mom's meds., Dr. appts. etc... along with my own! She has a SS ck. which should pay her bills, but we don't even know if that's being done. Right now, mom is still considered to have mild dementia, but that doesn't make all of the outside stress go away! She's not a burden, it's the rest of the family!!
Dear Bessie, I'm sorry to tell you that there is no checklist, largely because no two "I'm-having-my-mother-move-in-with-us situations are alike. You either do or do not move your mother in with you. Once you do, you start learning the difference between what you have in place for her and what you need. Then, you play catch-up non-stop until your situation with your mother(in-law) stabilizes. It's crazy, and there is no organized effort to make it saner. But you have websites like this one and several others to check in with and ask for help. If family caregivers voted as a block like seniors do, we'd have more power to get government help, if it weren't for the $2 trillion the government is already spending beyond what it collects in taxes. If there's a solution to this, I can't find it. I just do the best I can and ask my mother, step-dad, oldest brother and disabled wife to accept that I'm doing the best that I can. Good Luck. God Bless You.
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CarolYou may want to read this Agingcare article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/preparing-for-a-parent-living-with-you-138793.htm
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Two more topics. there taking your stuff in to there room. (a little like hoarding)
The wandering in the night.
With my two teens and I moved into a 4 bedroom house with mom. The house had been mom's but she had not lived there for 3 years. We took a while to come up with this solution. Everybody's room had to be a fabulous retreat, so that when they were sick and tired of the rest of us they had somewhere good to go. We moved the easyboy into Thomas's room and put up plywood on my daughters wall so she could graffitti. I set up a little sewing corner and got my self my own TV VCR. One of our computers is a laptop so people can even go out to the picnic bench to do a little work.
The public room had to be indestructable (covers on sofas, easy access to light switches, locks on ALL cupboards and cabinets that Granny should not dishevel). Dining table with a jar of silverware in the center. Rolls of papertowels in several places.
The kids then were not getting their home work done . So I converted the "parlor" into a study hall. We (kids and me) each have a corner that has our desk and book case and all our home work tools. The internet is there and the room is quiet. The kids have permission to leave their projects out and their desk piled high. There are gates on this room so grandma can not go "shopping" for school books and trinkets in my kids stuff.
Wandering and YOUR sleep. If you have a choice of room for the elderly pick one with an attached bath. Then they can go in the middle of the night without entering any public areas.
Then think about the architecture of your house and where you can't have them goofing off while you try and sleep-- the two big danger zones are outside and the kitchen. Can you gate them off? can you install a door bell that goes off when they enter that area. I put a gate on the entrance to the entry way so that the front door can continue to be used by key as my teens come home, I have one friend who put a gate on her porch so that in the summer the front door can be wide open. I have these bell alarms on 4 doors and the ringer is in my bedroom. I have one tone for her bedroom and bathroom, I have a crazy tone for the back door and the kitchen door. That way I get a little awake when she peaks out to see if anyone else is up and I get a whole lot awake if she goes into the yard.
Walk in bath tubs. the good--- you can stand outside and "hose them down" with the wand and they are very safe and you are clean and dry. The bad --- they have to sit NAKED and cold while the tub fills and it is too slow for them to have patience with and they end up freezing before they get warm. Some are poorly made so that you have to wait for them to empty too, again resulting in a popsicle grandma.
So for now the tub is only used by my kids who fill it and climb in with a chair once it is filled.
So the good is we got a safe shower room for grandma with out losing the family tub.
Right now, mom is still considered to have mild dementia, but that doesn't make all of the outside stress go away! She's not a burden, it's the rest of the family!!
I'm sorry to tell you that there is no checklist, largely because no two "I'm-having-my-mother-move-in-with-us situations are alike. You either do or do not move your mother in with you. Once you do, you start learning the difference between what you have in place for her and what you need. Then, you play catch-up non-stop until your situation with your mother(in-law) stabilizes. It's crazy, and there is no organized effort to make it saner. But you have websites like this one and several others to check in with and ask for help. If family caregivers voted as a block like seniors do, we'd have more power to get government help, if it weren't for the $2 trillion the government is already spending beyond what it collects in taxes. If there's a solution to this, I can't find it. I just do the best I can and ask my mother, step-dad, oldest brother and disabled wife to accept that I'm doing the best that I can. Good Luck. God Bless You.