Should I give up trying to take care of my mother at home regardless of the kind of help I may be able to get?

One thing I am learning from others on this site is that it is never written in stone that an adult child (or anyone) should sacrifice their entire life to be a caregiver. Every situation is different. My mom lives with us and I have discussed with her that the time may come when she needs more than we can provide. Being bedridden would be a time like that. She has told me that she knows I am doing my best and she understands that time may come and when it does she understands. (Of course that is now.)

Do not sacrifice all that is important in your life to be the "lone ranger" in your mothers care.

The job of care giving is far too important to go it alone. The time-honored approach of divide and conquer is a better tactic. The family care giving relationship involves many people so remember that you are only one member of the care giving team. It isn’t possible to control everything that happens to your loved ones.

Still you can make active and proactive choices about how you handle the changes in your life as a result of taking on the burden of a full time caregiver along with your many other roles. This is essential to avoid constantly being on the receiving end of disagreeable consequences.

Ask for help. Ask a relative, friend or colleague to lend you a hand particularly when you find yourself reaching your tolerance limit and you are ready to tear out your hair.

If you look in the right places you might find all the help you need. Many people are happy to run errands or take a turn as the caregiver. I suggest you call your family members together and ask each one for 1-2 hours of his or her time per week. This will permit you to take a personal break or focus on your children.

Give those who agree to help a clear, direct task they can accomplish without difficulty. Additionally create a schedule and don’t forget to hand out copies to all family members even if they aren’t on the schedule.

You might also contact local churches and community organizations to see if they are willing to send volunteers out to your home for a few hours. Check out external resources such as Meals on Wheels, transportation services, senior centers and home companions to supplement or replace time consuming chores that you now do.

One very important thing you must do is to say “no” when it is appropriate and necessary for your well-being. Taking care of yourself is just as important as caring for your family.

When it becomes too stressful for you, take time for a respite. Respite literally means a period of rest or relief. Respite care offers a caregiver temporary relief from the responsibilities of caring for individuals with chronic physical or mental disabilities. Respite care is often referred to as a gift of time. Accept the gift. You deserve it!

I don't know why I didn't see this post until now. Sometimes I don't think I know how to navigate this website. Frankilynn, I have been wondering about you and concerned. and then here you are on this post. I think Jeannegibbs gave you some excellent advise and a list of things to consider. I also appreciated what Austin said, in particular if she is hard to get along with now, it won't get easier.

How did you end up taking care of her? Tell us a little more about your circumstances and how all of this came to be. My heart goes out to you. If she is making your life miserable, then you need to take care of both of you in a way that serves your mom's needs and yours. That may be better done under two separate roofs. God Bless you.

jeanne gibbs, here you are again giving excellent advice.

Here are some advantages to your mother about being in a long-term care facility:
1. The person who answers her call in the middle of the night will be awake and fully ready to deal with whatever the problem is.
2. The persons who care for her during the day have not been up several times in the night and suffering from sleep deprivation.
3. If she is mean and nasty, the caregivers may not be pleased, but they will not break into tears or remember every grievance from childhood or have their self-esteem ruined. HoHum, just another ornery old lady. Her care won't be interupted by their baggage with her past.
4. The facility has the equipment to see that she can bathe safely. They have hand rails down the hallway. They have room to manuever wheelchairs and walkers. Their toilets are accessible. They have what it takes to support her with her changing needs. They can easily accomodate changing dietary needs.
5. Without the burden and fatigue from day-to-day care, her family members are free to relate to her on different terms. She becomes a mother again, and not a patient in their relationship to her. (She is a patient to the professionals.)
6. The services provided are not interupted if some of the providers are out sick or take vacation, etc. There is continuity and reliability to the care.

Advantages of keeping her home and bringing in extra help:
1. She is in familiar surroundings.
2. She may feel more in-charge and independent.

Those are just the advantages to her. Factor in what each choice means to you.

As chellern says, placing Mom in LTC does not mean you are out of the picture. Your role changes from hands-on caregiver to advocate. I have heard people in my caregiver group say that their relationship actually improved when they weren't living in the same house with their loved one. And I've also seen that they continue to put in a lot of time and effort toward their loved one's care.

I agree with Austin that the factors that go into a decision for a spouse are somewhat different than for a parent. But in either case, seriously looking at what is best for the loved one should be the first part of the decision.

If the elder is difficult to get along with the job may be and usually is impossible- she will not become easier to deal with just because you give up everthing to care for her-it is a fact the elder will give the person who does the most for them a harder time then other people they deal with and not only will not appreciate what is being done but will say to others that that person is not doing much or enough and there will be people who will believe them. It is then better to place them-if it is a parent a NH is the place for them because they will get medicaide either at once or they will have to spend down-and do not think the siblings will be of help-that rarly happens. A spouse is different because the well spouse will be left very little money to live on.

I had this same issue with my mother-in-law. We hired a home healthcare aid to come in for a few hours a week to give me a break. Sometimes I just go to a coffee house and sit while she is here. It has made a tremendous difference. It can be so draining and you need to take care of yourself.

Caregiving is draining. As caregivers,we are frequently exhausted and lonely and often feel as if we can never do enough. Basically, if you are at a point that you believe your mother could receive better care in a facility, you are probably right and should not feel guilty. Find the best place you can and keep a constant watch over the quality of care your mother receives. Visit often even if it is for a brief period and visit at different times of the day and night. You may wake up tomorrow and feel you can take care of things, though. Tiredness makes us all wonder if we are doing the right thing. Please stay in touch and know we care.