My brother has POA and recently placed our parents in nursing home. I feel he has not done the right thing. What can I do?

When my parents where in a nursing home I found it was a good idea to visit them and get them out of their room at least a few times a week. Find a common area room where the smell is better. Make sure any urinals are being emptied regularly in their room and treated with bleach or something to alleviate the smell. The common areas are usually nicer and smell better than their room. Also, good for them to get up move around and get some stimulation at least several times a week. Try to get them interested in something. Take pictures and talk to them about things in your life they may be interested in. Ask them questions and show interest in their lives. Be an active advocate for them if you can. Good luck.

You may want to help your brother find another facility. Also, make sure that your parents have been seen by a doctor. You can usually take them out of the facility to see a doctor if you feel the staff at the nursing home is not doing a good enough job. My father had a urinary tract infection while in the nursing home that they did not diagnose properly. His own specialist caught the problem right away, prescribed medication and it cleared up soon after that. Maybe you can move them to an Assisted Living facility rather than a nursing home? Usually less expensive and much better atmosphere than in a nursing home. You can also contract out for additional care at some AL facilties if they need more than the normal amount of care provided there.

Be sure you are being objective about this. I have a similar situation with my parents. They are now living in an Independent Living Facility but with nursing staff on call, meals provided and some other benefits. They would have preferred staying in their home but two of us (out of five children) wanted them to move out of their home. They are settling in and very happy where they are now. But it was a struggle for them at first to adapt. I feel much better that they are in an environment where I feel they are safe and comfortable. I did not feel that way when they were living in their home. Talk to your brother and find out his motivation for moving them where they are now. Try to take your emotions out of the decisions. Take care.

In Oregon, a POA is effective when the parent agrees to it & it takes effect immediately. I have both medical & dental. There are different levels of care in many facilities. Are your parents physically capable of getting out of bed & moving around? Why did your brother get POA & not you? I will tell you I have POA & my dad happily lives in our home where he receives expert care from us. Yet my sister who is 1000s of miles away & does nothing is highly critical of anything we do.

Call the center and state the you will be taking your mother and father out to lunch tomorrow and will be picking them up at 11 am. This is a good measure of their belief in the skills of your parents. Can they get all cleaned up and ready for the world? Are they placed in wheel chairs for your arrival. Is your dad shaven?

Even once your parents are in a care home, you have a role. Take them out for meals. Take them to church. Take them to the Elks meeting. Take them Christmas shopping. You are just off the hook for 3 meals, showering, administering medications and supervision at midnight. It can be a good decision for a family IF you all STAY INVOLVED. We visited my Grandmother and my father everyday, at random times. We were supportive of the staff. But it sure was a relief to be able to just grab the kids and go for a movie without worrying over who would get grandma dinner and watch all night.

Your brother in deciding your family can afford a care home for both your parents has done what few POA brothers do--- he has said "We CAN afford this". Now the question is what is the best placement and what are the best EXTRA things we can do to make it pleasant for everyone.

I used to pick up my grandma and take her out to swim at the YMCA. She loved it. My friend picks up her dad every week for his Rotary meeting and for church and out to lunch. Because they are seen by their friends , their friends are more up to date and more likely to stop by the home to play a little cards.

Actually Durable POA is effective the moment it is signed unless stipulated that it is to be used only when parent is incapable of making decisons for themselves and that is called a "springing POA", that means it is effective only when they are determined incapable by a physician. Otherwise it can be used from the moment it is signed and notorized. And POAs vary from state to state. I just went through this with my brother. If your brother is like mine there is no way in hell you will get to see the POA.

I agree that if you brother is P.O.A. ONLY, then he's ONLY dealing with their finances, NOT given the right to stick them wherever he feels fit. And even if they SHOULD be in a nursing home, that doesn't mean it has to be this particular one. Unless that is, he chose it cause it's the cheapest, because like I said, he's the one paying the bills since he's POA.

Before your parents went into the NH, what did they do all day? Did Dad sit and watch TV? When did Mom get out of bed? I'm wondering how much a decline this is, or if it is just a new setting for the same problems.

Your brother has POA, but that doesn't kick in until/unless your parents aren't able to make their own decisions. You didn't mention their cognitive abilities. Do either of them have dementia or other mental problems? Were they sick the day they didn't touch their lunch trays? How about mobility? Could they easily go to the dining room if they wanted to?

It is really unfortunate that you and your brother can't work together toward solutions for your parents. It would be great if the two of you could sit down with the DON or a social worker at the NH and brainstorm about what your parents need.

What you can do is limited by the fact that your brother has POA. But you can visit, you can send them cheery cards, you can tell them you're coming at lunch time tomorrow and keep them company while they eat, you can play gin rummy with your mother, you can continue to be a loving daughter. It sounds like they might be depressed. A cute greeting card isn't going to cure that, but it is good medicine to know that somebody is thinking of them and cares. Going out to lunch or even just to the NH dining room, walking around the premises, being encouraged to do things they've done together in the past, all would be helpful.

If it is at all possible to patch things up with your brother, that would be a help to your parents.