Mom's health requires that she drink about 60oz of water every day. We try to get most of it in at least 4 hours before bed so getting up in the night is not an issue. She is a quiet woman with an extremely STRONG WILL!!!!!! She will absolutely refuse to drink water, use her cane (after knee replacement surgery she still has need for this to steady herself), and sometimes eating food (has experienced weight loss because of refusing to eat and lack of appetite). She makes comments that make me feel guilty like "am I not supposed to voice my opinion or make decisions for myself anymore?" - makes me feel like I have stripped her of her total independence when I am just trying to keep her healthy and follow Dr. orders. I am tired of the fight - she gives the same comments to my daughter who helps me a couple days of week. This has been getting worse and worse over the last year while she has lived with us. Part of the problem is she is confusing/forgetting information (saying that the Dr. never told her that, etc.) and seems like she doesn't trust me with what I am doing or how I am providing care for her. When my mother was living alone - she would not do what the Dr. said and ended up in the hospital a few times with kidney stones due to dehydration or just being dehydrated and needing to stay a few days in the hospital to be re-hydrated. I need the battles to stop! I am tired of the arguing and the behavior she exhibits matches my 3 yr old grandson. It is so discouraging and frustrating! Is there a point in time when I stop enforcing what the Dr. requires and allow her to control the situation even when I know she is going to end up in the hospital for days at a time on a regular basis? HELP!!!! I just feel like giving up.
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Does you mom have a trusted friend who can help? Often a third party will be able to get through to an elder, because the family dynamic is removed. Maybe she would take advice from someone her age. Otherwise, I don't know what you can do but to tell her that you'll go along with her wishes and if she gets sicker you'll be there to help her through the consequences. Maybe if you back off - hard as it is - she will eventually come around. Good luck. You aren't alone with this.
Carol
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Previous comments here have been excellent in giving you ideas in dealing with this difficult issue. I would agree with everything they've said. Try various approaches. Some may work (short term?), some may not. Ultimately, you can't force her to do things she doesn't want...and you have to let it go. You have to resolve within yourself that you have done everything you can...but it has its limits.
Good luck to you and your family.
Before my MIL moved in with us and when she did; her behavior was much like your mother's. Only difference is she was an extrovert. While we do empathize with their feelsings of loss of denpendence, and they think we are taking over their lives - what we really are doing is protecting them and taking care of them the best way we know how. My MIL was getting infection after infection because, due to her nature, she would not take the medication. Her favorite expression was "I pay no attention to the doctors". We soon realized dementia was setting in. Long story, short - she came to live with us. Under my supervision she never developed any infections. She complained relentlessly about taking the medication; but would cooperate after I explained the repercussions of not taking it. And I did embellish what would happen. For some reason, she listened. But the complaining never stopped. Her doctor put her on a low does anti-anxiety medication; which did help. Maybe if you talk to her doctor and explain what is going on - he will have suggestions or at least have understanding ot the situation.
My own mother is in a facility and will refuse medication. I've been told that you can'f "force" a patient to take medication. Also, last time she was hospitalized she refused blood work - ahhhh, so difficult to deal with.
Second, it's not going to help her "trust" you more to back away. Lack of hydration, especially, will only make her less rational.
many of us get to the point where we just have to power through. Just as our kids didn't want the naps and the medicine and the curfews, our parents don't want the equivalent. An since they once DID have charge of their lives, it's harder for them to hear that there are "rules" that apply to their current situation. Whatever you did to not take to personally when your daughter told you you were the worst mother ever, or that she didn't like you anymore, etc. -- that's what you have to do now.
It's a change in perspective: I am taking care of her and she doesn't have to like it. Her "trust in me" is not at issue here; the things that make her mistrust the world are never going to get easier. She is pushing at boundaries, same as any three year old. Or thirteen year old. Or 23 year old, for that matter. The boundaries exist now in ways and places she didn't see coming and doesn't like. You can't change that. All you can do is show her where the boundary is, with love.
Good luck to you!
I take mom to all her Dr. appointments and have released information at all of them. I have taken care of her finances and medications for over 10 years and the Dr.'s and banks are all familiar with our caregiving situation and me. It feels like she is losing "trust" in my caregiving - is that because I insist on her following Dr.'s orders that she is refusing to follow or forgets that is what they said, even though I am in the room with her and know what has taken place (she really truly believes one thing even when it is not true)? Mom refuses to keep in touch with friends and always has - she is an true introvert. She prefers to live a life "removed" from most people other than family and has been that way most of her life. The problem with that is that my daughter and I are the only ones who live close that are willing to provide care for her. My sister has the "care from afar" attitude even though she is only 30 minutes away. My backing off just seems like giving up on her :( How can I earn back her "trust" and help her to see that I am looking out for her health in the best way possible? Does eventually come around mean that I have to let her get sick again and be hospitalized? She doesn't even remember the last time she was hospitalized just because she was dehydrated :( If I back off - what will my siblings say? Will I be accused of not providing proper care for mom? Legal ramifications of that would be? I am very concerned!!!!