I am on only child, caring long distance for my Mom. Her health went from bad to worse in 2010 after she called me experiencing what turned out to be a brain hemorrhage. I traveled to be with her and care for her for 3 months. She ended up back in the hospital two weeks after I left. Evenutally this led to her being placed into a nursing home. Initially we were set up for assisted living and she backed out at the last minute. There are no friends or relatives to help. She cannot travel across the country. I am unwilling to give up my home and move to be closer to her. I do not travel well myself. I call her every day or so and each day the conversation is the same.She says she wants to get out of there, she hates the people there, the food is awful, she will not let anyone touch her and she wants a place by herself. She has always been somewhat reclusive and because she feels so poorly, I know she is very emabrrassed about how she looks and feels.
I have hired an elder care nurse who is wonderful and sees Mom every two weeks. Her regular doctor felt a nursing home was the best option for her, because she wouldn't let anyone in her home to assist her with anything. She didn't even want me there and had a psychotic break over me being with her. She does appreciate some of the things I have done, but this is not how she pictured her life in her old age. She feels she has been stripped of her life and I have to admit that is probably true.
She is 91, suffers with dementia, behavioral dilusions, develops blood clots (has a vena cava filter to prevent problems), has really bad osteoarthritis and has short term memory issue as well as aphasia. Now she has not let anyone touch her for over a year, and her toenails are so bad, they are grotesque. She has anxiety and depression and paranoia (getting meds for this). They finally got her into the beauty shop to cut her hair and she was very upset that they "violated" her in that way.
She will interact with her roommate and others and she seems to save her worst moods for me. Guess she feels comfortable with me.
Today, was like most. She just wants to die because she is so miserable and she hung up on me. I have talked to the social worker, her elder care nurse, and friends. I wish I could make all her wishes come true, but I cannot in good conscience give her what she wants, which is her freedom and the control she used to have. I am at a loss and feeling overwhelmed and sad. Now I have total control over her finances and all the other things I should have.
Back to my original question.....am I doing enough and if I am not, who will tell me?
Thanks for listening.
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" Place me on a Barcalounger on an ice berg in Alaska, give me a ton of Valium and just push me out to sea."
"Let me jump off the cruise ship with my boogie board and a belly full of valium."
"Watch me paddle out until I can paddle no more and then i will down a gallon of vodka and say good bye."
We planned our peaceful ending where we would no longer be a burden.
She turned to me clear eyed. "Your grandmother and your father have taught me that by the time you would really want to paddle out, you are not strong enough to do it yourself and none of us have the courage to help you... nope, sweetie we are going to have to ride this one out to the bitter end"
I remember that day clearly these days as my mom wanders purposeless through our house.
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My words are not a solution, but I hope the realization that you're not alone and we can all relate to your situation helps a bit. Susan =^..^=
My dad has been described by the outside caregivers as charming and kind. He is 180 degrees away from that with me. His way of launching conversation is to complain about something. That's a new insight for me; I just heard the complaint, and not the desire, underneath it, to be engaging with someone. To be sure, he IS complaining. He IS demanding that I somehow change his circumstances...and not just today's circumstances. A part of him believes he'd be happier now if his life has been different, and it is someone (else's) fault that it wasn't. It's unpleasant on a good day, and infuriating on other days. And in MYSELF therre is an undercurrent of sadness that I can't help this Being become happier.
When I can step back, detach from his feelings and mine, I have an easier time connecting to the finest part of his being. Whether you call it soul or spirit or the god inside all of us, or the part of you that has no thought and sees through your eyes...whatever you call it, THAT is what I mean. When I connect with him there, I am understanding of what is true in him despite all the schtuff that is being said in the moment.
Somwhen you wrote that she needs understanding, that's what prompted me to write. Maybe try this. Connecting with the swirling emotion and her fear and panic and anger is exhausting, and it doesn't help either of you. Stepping into her room, or onto the phone, after you have centered yourself enough to connect with the finest part of her being...there you will feel an understanding and connection that may soothe her (it may not, too! But it sometimes does) AND you'll be detached in a loving way. Now that may last a few second or minutes or hours.. I lost sight of it for almost a whole week, last week.today. For some reason, it's easier, I expect it will be like that dor you, too.
The ache below what she is saying is where to send the love and understanding. It took me all the previous sentences to get to that one. Love the best part of her, and see if the rest of her doesn't feel it too.
the families feel so bad at times because they really don't remember what they told you on the phone 3 hrs later. They down side is that we cannot make our residents take medications or even bath if they don't want to. We do try to brie them at times, if that is what works, They do love sweets etc. But that doesn't always work either. Try to remember that even if you were close by, it would probably still be the same for her, she still would not be happy and that would make you even more unhappy. I've seen it happen many times. My own mother kept telling me she was going out of state to live with other family. I told her that if she could get there, GO FOR IT. She would let it die for a while and then would start again. Good luck to you but please don't be so hard on yourself as it appears you are doing all that you can. Just end your calls to her with Mom, I love you! you will feel better in the end. God Bless!
Take it from someone in the same boat.
(Can she be given a sleeping pill to cut her nails?)
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