How do I handle an absentee sibling at my father's funeral?

I too and so happy you made it thru, most of all that your Mom was treated well!
Parents always forgive their kids, its normal,and it erks the heck out of we as caregivers, but let them be, our hearts tell us who is really the ones that give all the love and care, and, give up our lives. We as parents would do anything for our kids, its an unconditional love bond that cant be broken. Hang in there.

Timmy: I'm relieved to hear the funeral took place without any hateful outbursts from your brother. Have you considered moving, with your mom, back to your previous location so you can be close to your children. Maybe you would have more support. Sorry you have to do so much alone. Hugs, Cattails

Thank you all for your responses to my question.
The funeral is over, brother showed up and hardly said one word, stayed against the wall observing for the most part.
After all, family abuse is usually not done in public, but behind closed doors.
He kissed Mom and told her he loves her and is sorry. She immediately forgave him, of course, for not being there in any way for us the last 3 yrs.
Time will tell if we get a phone call or any type of support from now on.
I doubt it.
I feel like I am an enabler...without me giving up my life to care for parents, this drama would change.

Oh I feel so bad for you, I dread the same situation some day too and think of it often.! First off, protect your Mom, dont let her on the phone, she has enough to deal with losing her husband then to fight with a son, omg horrible! How can he be so cruel to her, sick! I would notify the funeral home of sibling rilvery and they can help I am sure. Are you Moms POA or heath care proxy person , because for her health , you need your brother to lay off, even if it takes legal action. I bet the brother is concerned about money ultimately ,I hope he gets nothing and make sure you get paid for all you have done, and continue to do, you should own the condo legally by now regardless. Good luck,let us know how it goes please.

Makes me realize how sick my own situation is. Hateful, domineering, manipulative, narcissistic, demeaning mother made life miserable for everyone-and she is 91. Only cared uncond. for her first born child (half brother of ours) unconditionally and had little time for my brother and me, the youngest. I used to ask God's forgiveness because I wished so much my dad would outlive her, but no such luck. Her scheming with my half brother put my dad in an early grave. Lavished him with money, anytime he needed it and as much as he wanted. Life with her was so unbearable my dad used to wish he was dead. Well, he got his wish, alright, and my middle brother, needing financial assistance, suggested she help him rebuild his home and then come live with them. Eight years of demands, scheming and accusing them of everything under the son, childish and vicious behavior and even calling them liars and this is not a result of illness, alzheim., etc. Just not a nice person. No one can take much of her, she has alienated everyone of her still living friends, family all keep their distance and there has been zero mellowing with age. Now that my brother and his wife are burned out completely they washed their hands of her and she wants to move out. The oldest brother is married to someone who I will reserve my true feelings about, but let's just say she and my "mother" deserve each other. I worked on helping my mother get out of there and into Assist. Lvng. but he pulled me 'off the case' and elected the eldest to help her (and his lovely bride too). She didn't want me involved because I wouldn't side with her and trash the brother with whom she lives. I love him and I love his wife and my "mother" can't stomach that. Imagine--a mother turned against her son and now her daughter too. I actually said to her one time on the phone 'do you really want to drive a wedge between my brother and me?'' Her answer was 'oh no, God forbid.' Really? When I read all your stories in which you say how sweet and dear your mothers are, I could cry. I've never had that. My brother and I have memories of her tantrums, severe beatings and basically ignoring us and treating our father miserably. Now she reaches out for help to suit her needs and uses anyone and everyone, regardless of their own personal mountain of problems. There will be legal problems, for sure, down the road, because there has never been anything done properly as she is not interested in doing things the "right way." Won't give a P of A., says she has no will, had no interest in having a lawyer prepare an advanced med. directive (living will) even though I told her none of us would want to go against your specific desires if you cannot speak for yourself. She has received better treatment than she deserves, I've tried to help, but this is one unique pickle of a woman in full command of her faculties.

TimmyK48: I understand your feelings and you have a right to them. I think Waddle1 gave you sound advise concerning your mom. Don't put in the middle. She doesn't need the stress right now having just lost her husband. Your brother is a problem person and very immature. To yell at your mom over the phone is terrible and I'm sure it grieves her. You've gotten through 3 years, you can get through the funeral. You don't need your mom to stick up for you and I hope you won't ask her to.

Timmy, you are a very good and loving person. Don't let your brother jerk your strings and put a rift between you and your mom. It would only bring him joy and in time you would have regrets.

Think 2 weeks from now. Be civil and at such time as your brother starts to get ugly, just walk away. If he starts yelling at your mom, gently take her arm and lead her away. This too shall pass.

My best wishes to you and your mom. Hugs, Cattails.

Wow timmyk48, you answered alot of questions. he sound sort of like my brother as far as the superior attitude and the golden boy thing. My brother loves letting me know I am left out and poor me, but then will say "but that is the way mom wants it". Sounds as if we both need to cut ties with the younger brother.

You are a good person to have done all you have done for your parents. You deserve to be proud of who you are. Your brother sounds narcissistic. Google that and what an eye opener the information can be if it applies. I realized about a year ago that was the issue behind my mom and brother's behavior. Brother wants to be in charge, wants me know I am not included but will not do one thing for Mom. In fact, I just talked to her this morning and found out her car hasn't been washed since Christmas. Neither my brother nor his 28 year old son will wash her car. She is 82.
unlike you he does nothing for her. i think their relationship is based on the fact that he lives near her. All of it just dysfunctional.

So read up on narcissistic people and I am sure you will get some pointers about how to deal with your brother. Sounds as if he is used to getting all the attention and now is still thinking about himself and his needs.

Take care. :)

timmyk48...

Sorry to hear about your father's passing. You shouldn't be dealing with how-to deal- with-brother issues now, though I understand how that's entering your thoughts. You need to be focusing on your father's service, your mother and mourning your father's loss. You shouldn't worry or be concerned about your brother and what he will do. Whatever he does, will be a bad reflection on him and his family...period. You are only responsible for you and your behavior.

During the calling & service treat him and his wife with courtesy, unless or until they don't deserve it any longer If they do or say something uncool, then keep your distance. I would not entertain discussing his & her complaints or grumblings about the past. The funeral home and the death of your father is not the time or place for it. If it comes up, tell them that and walk away. Avoid confrontation. You know what they say...it takes two to fight. YOU control the situation and don't participate in any kind of prodding to argue.

Concerning your mother hurting you when she didn't come to your defense...I know how that feels. I've been there with my parents, especially with my father. It does hurt...but the intent is not to hurt you. I think you've figured out that your mother is so desperate for her son's attention and love. She probably hates it that she does not see or hear from him more often and fears making it worse. She probably blames herself...if she is like most mothers. She actually is perhaps in a no-win situation concerning the battle between you and your brother. Try to keep your mother out of it and give her a break for seeing things differently than you.

When my aunt died recently there was concern about how her adult sons would act at the funeral home, IF they showed up. After years of telling anyone who would listen in the family how poorly they were treated as children, I wouldn't have been surprised if they were absent at her calling & funeral. To our surprise, they were both there and were gentlemen, telling interesting and pleasant stories about their mother. They seemed to get along with their father too, with whom they also had issues. Perhaps your situation will surprisingly be different than you're forecasting. A death & funeral can often times be the jolt that brings reasoning, compassion and restraint.

I wish you and your family my condolences... and peace.
had issues with.

Thank you all for giving this some thought for me.
At this point I have not responded to his attempts to start a fight with me.
Mom has taken his phone abuse twice. My children are here now, know the
whole long scenario from years ago till now, and they are ready/waiting for the assault to happen. They are going to keep us flanked at the funeral, but I am now thinking he will wait till we are more alone to make trouble again.
Madge1.....you are right about 2 sides....no he has not been left out, he himself
cut off all communication, he was raised as the special child that could do no
wrong and had to do nothing for himself or anyone else. I realize his superior bullying attitude/behavior is to hide his insecurities....but I am done coddling him & his bad behavior. I am 64 he is 58...we are adults, games should
be over and him playing them isn't going to produce the results he is used to anymore. I did for parents out of love, really had no choice they were in such
bad shape. He is trying to belittle all I've done to make me look bad. He could and was needed to contribute, but he didn't even make one phone call. No Madge1, I don't think he is being treated unfairly. I think he is trying to cut me down to make himself look better and all this drama he is creating is to make people forget about his previous "missing" son status, because they are now involved with his new drama. If he succeeds I will leave Mom, take my life back and she can count on brother....she needs to put him in his place and stand up for me/us. She is afraid to do that, because she is afraid she will loose him and his family forever....(which she has already), but has hopes it could change.
Why would they want to see Daddy dead.....they didn't want to see him alive, or even call once to talk to him in over a year? I don't understand!!! Can anyone explain that to me....that is my big question now.

Timmyk, First, I am so sorry for your lost. Second, I have to say you are being a better person than I would be for if my brother had any negativity to say and not helped, he would get a good pieace of my mind. Third, Mommag had a great idea to keep things from being stirred up. And Fourth, you friend may be right about he thinks he may be getting some assets or just to pull your strings. Be strong and I am truly sorry for your loss.

I felt so much empathy for you and the committment to your parents and disruption of your life is great. Your passing of your Dad is most heart wrenching experiences and the situation that you describe unfortunately is not uncommon.

At this point in time, do you still have a relationship with your ex-fiance, children, etc that would lend to moral support. It sounds as if your brother has a history with this type of behavior and unfortunately he will most likely try to engage you. Please keep your distance and walk away without discussion. Seek the support of your closest friends and have them stay close to you as your brother and his wife may approach you together. I also agree with the previous post, talk to the funeral director and appraise him of the situation. He may also be able to give you some helpful advise on how to handle this situation or have some intervention resources available.

As for your mother, she is elderly, grieving and will most likely look the other way. I see this behavior in my mother towards my sister. My Dad is in a nursing home, had pneumonia, c-diff and my sister got on a plane and went to her Florida condo for 2 and one half weeks on vacation. My mother asked her to postpone her trip for 4 days and she refused -my sisters a geriatric nurse practioner and my Dad is a wonderful father. My sister is self centered and often her behavior is inapropriate but this will never change. My mother, who also has serious health issues, is very upset by her behavior, but needs her and waits for her calls. The point is that my sister's behavior and your brother's behavior are not going to change and our mothers will continue to seek a relationship.

Take the High Road although this may be most difficult. Your actions and support of your parents speak for themselves!

Hi timmy48, I have a different perspective of this situation. I am the angry sibling. In my situation, I live in Florida and my brother and Mom live in Alabama. My brother hung the moon, always has. Mom has put him on her POAs, checking accounts, everything. I have been left off of everything (probably even the will). She has a large sum of money and is very paranoid and mizerly. In order to control everything, she could not have more than one person on her accounts. So she decided since I live in Florida, she would throw me under the bus. She has destroyed my relationship with her and my brother. He loves being in control because he is much like her. Even though I do talk to her periodically, I do not like her at all. And when the time comes for someone to look out for her, my brother will want to hold the check book and I should fly up from Florida and hold her hand, feed her, change her diapers, etc.

So, my question is, why is your brother angry? Has he even been included in decision making? Was he the scapegoat of the family? There are many questions.

If he is just a bad apple, then let him come to the funeral and ignore him. Then never speak to him again. I intend to do that to my brother. He was not there for me when I needed him to be.

There have been many, many comments on this site about worthless siblings. I have tried and cried from hurt feelings of being left out. And when my mom needs me and my brother dictates to me what I will and will not do. I will be the bad sibling who says, "Go to hell."

I don't know your brother but look at everything and see if he is hurt for some reason. It is ashamed you can't talk to him. I can't talk to my brother either. Not because I yell at him, but that he is condesending and arrogant. Just not working. I wish you well.

Wow - very similar to what I went through. But, after 3 yrs of caregiving, Dad went first (his condition had plummeted after Mom had hip surgery & bad stroke). His office partner would speak at the memorial service, but was away at a time-share, so we had to wait til he got home. So, the service was 3 weeks after date of death. My sister did come from Oregon, and my half-bro from 2 hrs away, for Dad's service. This service worked ok. Then, over the next 2 weeks, I would have phone conference calls with my sister, my aunt, and hospital Pastoral Care, so we were all apprised & deciding what to do in Mom's case. In that time, my sister found out the terms of Dad's Will, she was pissed, so when Mom died 2 weeks later (5 weeks after Dad), then Mom's memorial service was 2 weeks after Mom's death, my sister would not come down to the service because she was pissed about the terms of Dad's Will. It has now been 20 yrs since then, I still get comments from family friends about how careless and rude it was of her not to come to her own mother's memorial service.
There is nothing like caregiving and losing parents to let us know the truth about our siblings. As Oprah has said "When people show ya their true colors -- Believe 'em! (shudder)." It's appalling to me that my sister & I came from the same gene pool & growing up with the same parental training -- my parents were superb -- but sister does not reflect the same family values.
The problem: She was brainwashed by leftie academia, learned freeloading, and associates with her New Ager peers. Very selfish & greedy.
I'm sure my parents are turning over in their graves that childless sisters can't get along (anymore). Through the estates settling, I reflected Dad's generosity - and he and his sister had been my role models from when their parents died. But, what a difference between the generations. They were The Greatest Generation (so named by Tom Brokaw) - but my generation, well, the Me Generation turned into the Gimme Generation, and I'm ashamed of it.
If anyone has help advice for my case, I'd appreciate it.
Good luck to you.

I know how you feel! I will have the same problems again when my mother passes. My father passed 4 yrs ago after a very brief illness. I tried my best to just do what I had to do and avoided the problemed siBLIng. He was the youngest and offered no help in the care of my father. Now that I could use help again he is no where to be found. I am dreading the future but I know in my heart that I have done right by my parents. Think about what is best for yourself no one else does...good luck

This is a hard situation. I have absentee brothers, three of them, but, they are not angry like your brother. Perhaps you have a friend that is a police officer who could wear their uniform at the funeral service and any social gathering afterwards and do not let yourself be caught alone with your brother. Maybe if there are other people around, he will mind his manners. If he yells or argues, try your hardest to stay quiet and find something else to occupy yourself. Maybe mention to the funeral director that you have a family member who may act up at the funeral home etc. and could they be watchful and call the police if someone (your brother) is aggressive in anyway...then he could make a fool of himself in front of everyone and be removed...wouldn't that be exciting? It is so sad that he and his wife feel hurt...you are the one that has had the burden of caring for your parents all this time. It is nice that he took a couple of weeks to help out but we all know that in these caregiving situations, we really need someone to take over for a good few months to make any difference and to know that every few months, someone else would be responsible. Let us know how it goes and stay calm and don't get angry yourself!