My mother is in re-hab now for a complete hip replacement. She can stay there for up to 100 days. She has dimentia and aphasia, and is considered "total care". She can do nothing for hereself anymore. The problem is she has just enough of her mind to know she does not want to go to a nursing home. She always tells me she wants to go home (she was living in her own home with a 6 hour shift of caregiving and the rest, me caregiving. I ca't do it anymore, it's just WAY too much! It would almost be easier if her mind was gone totally, but she still knows, she wants to be home with her "own people" taking care of her. How do others out there deal with this?
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I think I have come to realize that she simply cannot live on her own in her own home. I will be searching for another facility. This caregiving thing is so difficult, I do appreciate this site, and find it helpful. Thank you again everyone.
But last month I hear a wonderful speaker at a dementia care conference, and I have a little different perspective now. Guilt is pretty much a given for caregivers. If you place your mother in a care facility you will feel guilty that you didn't keep her home as she wanted. If you keep her home you will feel guilty about not being able to provide the depth of care she needs. And you will feel guilty about all the other responsibilities you are neglecting. Can't win on the guilt scale.
So ... she suggests that we make peace with the guilt, that we force it into the background, and go on about doing what has to be done in the best way we know how.
If guilt weren't a factor, what would your decision be for your mother? That might be a truer way to get at the right thing to do.
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There comes a point where our parent no longer can care for themselves; we as children are not able to provide the required care. Therefore, a nursing home is the necessary next step. After researching a variety of facilities; you will find the best one (if they have the space). But do all that now, before you are rushed to do it. Put name on waiting list if necessary. My recommendation, from my experience, is one from a chain of nursing homes. These appear to have more care, programs for activities, entertainment, etc.
Try to lose the "guilt". Let your thoughts be those of understanding and communicating to your mother that this is what is best. She may to try to make you feel guilty, but what I have learned from therapists is we are trained to feel guilty. No one can make us feel guilty. This is a truth that you have to believe in after acknowledging it. Being at home is not always the best even if your parent thinks it is. Dementia fogs the thinking and in an ideal world, everyone wants to stay home. This cannot always be a reality or the "Best thing".
You can visit your mother, make her room
Guilt is a common feeling for a lot of caregivers caring for a loved one especially when choosing to put a loved on in a senior living facility. I hope that you can connect with other caregivers who share these guilty feelings like you.
I have include some articles written by our Agingcare.com editors to help you get through this difficult time.
Feel at Peace: Lose the Caregiver Guilt
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-guilt-stop-feeling-guilty-126209.htm
Get Over Feelings That Prevent You From Visiting the Nursing Home
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/visiting-elderly-nursing-homes-guilt-stress-emotions-139127.htm
Hope this helps! I want you to know that you are doing the best you can with what you have!
Peace and Blessings,