She wrote a letter to the daughter of her friend, telling her that food was being withheld (I monitor her diet for salt, sugar, starch & carbs as she is diabetic and has high blood pressure); there was no privacy (for us!! not her); that she never got out (unless you call four trips a week to the hairdresser, bank, grocery, WalMart being confined) and that people were opening her mail and listening to her phone conversations etc.
The letter was forwarded to the police which resulted in visits by them and the supervisor of her care agency. Needless to say, this was a shock and bad surprise for me.......I immediately called a meeting with my brother and of course, she went on the defensive and was angry to have been discovered.
When asked why she wrote the letter and didn't voice her complaints, she said "it wasn't meant for publication". I was angry and ashamed of her that she took this action especially after I had created a 3-bedroom apartment in my large home for her with every luxury!
I discovered she had been phoning all kinds of people to obtain sympathy for herself. The wake-up call came when she went to visit two care facilities and discovered just how the seniors there were treated - and especially when she found out what kind of food they were served!!
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I talked to the healthcare provider and related the problem it was causing. Instead of re-evaluating her medication they sent two patrol cars out to check on her welfare.
They had no concern that she was up all night with these medications that would snow a horse or that she had been a drug seeker/hoarder since she was 50 yrs old. (Or that she refused to destroy her deceased husband's old medication. )
The officers thought she was well cared for and by no means neglected. They reported she was in no distress and had a clean living situation. Her appearance and good physical condition is because she ties up every waking minute of my time. ( I have not one minute she's now wanting something or complaining about a non existent problem.)
That was how the healthcare provider addressed to he problem. She is up all night and the breakers have to be turned off on the stove. Money, keys, medication has to be hidden. She requires 24/7 observation. She is combative much of the time and noncompliant with everything prescribed.
I worked as a psych RN for 40 years. Am still licensed and in good standing. My health problems forced me to retire. Still no one would listen.
I changed her health care providers because if this incident. I am consulting an elder law attorney now because I can't stay awake 24 hours a day and she has to go to a care home.
I would not wish putting her on anyone but they get paid for caring for her and there are three shifts to deal with her behavior.
I am glad I decided to do this. Sometimes u just have to say enough and move on. I have no guilt and am sorry I didn't do this two years ago. Some people are just toxic.
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Repeat this to yourself: it isn't personal. It's a oping mechanism. It isn't personal. And the APS people will see that when they come check things out. As for other family members, invite them in to see the situation.
Now as far as the situation you are in...I am there too. I cared for my mother, in her own home, for 8 years. Did her laundry, cooked her meals, cleaned her house, took care of her financially, took her out on outings, sat with her for numerous hospitalizations, ER visits, dr. visits. Just doing what I was programmed to do. Then she told my siblings I was abusing her. Similar complaints - I did try to talk to her about not living on sweets, about the importance of doing her physical therapy, about unsanitary conditions in her home. I was just doing what I was programmed to do - which was to do a good job taking care of my elderly mother. My post war generation mother treats this as though I am a small child "talking back" to her - her programming is that I owe her undying compliance even though I'm the one that will have to sit with her for hours on end in the ER with a CHF event after she downs all the sodium rich food she can lay her hands on. Plus, I think she wanted my siblings' attention and this was a way, within her now limited powers, to get it. Now my siblings have disowned me and are sending hate emails to my pregnant daughter about her "toxic, volatile mother". My extended family is irretrievably lost to me.
Here is what I did. Find a therapist and let go with love. You can honor your mother without giving up your life. You are a special person with huge value and your value is not contingent on whether you or not everything you do pleases your mother. Let her make her own choices and let her have the consequences of her own choices. My mother now has in home help. I visit her only when her aide is present. No one will ever be able to accuse me of anything again because there is always a witness - and I am, and always have been, sweet as pie to my mother, even though she was not really a very good mother to me (alcoholic, abusive environment). I encourage you to work with a family therapist to sort this out. You have a right to take care of yourself and you can take care of yourself and protect yourself... and still honor your mother. You kind of have to reboot and reprogram all that hardwiring. Most of us couldn't live with a spouse who demanded blind obedience and treated us as a small child whose needs were subserviant to theirs. Why would anyone expect that we're obligated to live with an elderly parent that demands that of us? Its okay to assert your rights, it is not disrespectful, it is not a failure to honor your parent. I don't know what the right answers are for your situation - that lies within you - but please find a path where you can love your mom and honor your mom and still love and honor yourself.
This is a wake up call for me. My 81 year old healthy Mother has told many lies to family and friends. She has always been narcissistic and selfish. She wants attention. Her lies have ruined my relationship with my brother. He chooses to believe her, sort of, depending on the lie.
My aunt 'outted' her. Told me how she says no one checks on her, she could be dead for days, what terrible children we are. We have done everything to try to engage her and include her in our lives. She is really not interested.
Mom is still healthy but I will not take her into my home. She will do the same thing to me that your mom has done. They are just ungratful, selfish people. Mom will go to a nursing home. Your Mom should be ashamed of herself.
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