My mother (an alcoholic) died a year ago. I have no remorse over her death. She picked on me when my father and brother were not around. My father has a rosy picture of my mother. He was her meal ticket so she specifically made sure things were good for him only to pick on me, belittle me, complain about my weight, etc. My father was incredibly lonely after she died. My husband and I were buying a house together when he asked us to stop and move in with him. He gave us a sweet deal, no rent, if we come and take care of the place and pay the bills but he continues to pay the mortgage. I'm angry at cooking dinner all the time, shopping for groceries, etc. My father is not only a child of an alcoholic himself, he was married to an alcoholic. I am also a child of an alcoholic. My father is very controlling. He micro manages everything I do in the kitchen. I'm in such full blown silent rage and I think he realizes it now so he doesn't micro manage so much anymore but things slip out of him that make me want to strangle him. I'm angry and resentful about being in this situation. I don't like living with him. I don't like cooking dinner every night and shopping for massive amount of groceries. How do I deal with this anger? I need to cope with this situation without being so angry. I did go to Ala-Anon and ACOA but it brought up so many feelings that I thought I would cry for a year about the awful feelings I have about my mother. I need to squelch those feelings and just get through this. Does anyone have any suggestions? My father is 82. He is fairly sharp but I think he did have a very minor stroke about 2 years ago which went untreated. After that episode, he became forgetful and disoriented but then a few minutes later, he's as sharp as a tack and can finish the NYT Sunday crossword puzzle.
And example of his controlling/micro managing behavior is: He has two garbage cans. One for recycle with a white bag and one for garbage a black bag. Well, I took the garbage out, taking the black bag with me. I took the recycle out taking the whole bin with me. I had to walk to the barn and left the recycle bin to bring in when I got back. When I got back, the recycle bin was inside (don't know who did it) and the garbage bin was filled with a white garbage bag. My father is persnickety about what color bag is in the garbage. I was in the dining room unpacking and he called to me, "Come in here, what is the meaning of this?" He was looking at the two garbage cans, both with white bags. I said "I didn't know, maybe my husband didn't know there was supposed to be a black bag in the garbage and put a white bag in accidentally." NOthing more was said. I find out later that my father put that white bag in. Why do I have to deal with all this micro managing?
WHen I was younger about 20 years old, I complained to my father that my mother was picking on me and belittling me. He couldn't believe my mother would do that. I never approached him again about it and just took all my mother's nastiness over the years. I'm angry at him about that and I am DEFINITELY angry at my mother over the years of verbal abuse. Thank you for any incite.
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After his death, which I was not there for, Mom and I talked about him. She agreed that he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. But because I tried to defend myself, it "made" him worse. So it was my fault. Even though he verbaly abused her too, I guess that wasn't her fault???
Long story short, now I cannot stand her. She was the other parent, where was she, why didn't she protect me? I realized after Dad died that she is maybe even more dysfunctional than he was. She knew what Dad was doing and your Dad knew what your mother was doing. He chose to turn away. Now you are angry and the root of that anger is that he was not there for you. Also that he continues to hold her in high regard. He does this because to not hold her in such high regard would mean he would have to acknowledge she was a mean drunk.
I am finally getting over some of the anger now. I let it go for Dad when he died, for Mom it is a work in progress. I will never have a relationship with her and that is her Karma.
Move out, asap. You can't live with your father and the memory of an abusive mother. She will control you from the grave, just liek he tries to control your life now. Good luck to you.
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First, yes, I have horses. I now realize I ran to the love of horses in my childhood because they were huge caring animals who "loved" or seemed to love you no matter what. It got me out of the house when I was young. I started working at farms at age 13. I did go to college but worked at horse farms from 13 up to college and then during the summer months to make dough for college. I now have my own horses.
Second, I can not tell you all how these answers have helped me. And I do know I need to stand up to my father rather than roll over and take it. Many of your comments really resonated. Thank you all!
I am better today. I spoke to my husband about it as I've been doing all along. He is VERY, VERY understanding, sympathetic and empathetic. We will get through this. I just need to speak up to my father. And we can't change our habits to suit my father, maybe I need to insist my father change his habits more.
And yes I feel that the anger is from all those years...not just from cooking this one dinner. My father speaks lovingly of my mother because all her barbs were directed at me when he was not around. This is so hard for me to hear. My mother was an artist (don't get excited, she wasn't a good one) and her pictures hang all over the house, grim self portraits that were probably painted when she was depressed and drunk. How he speaks of those wretched things makes me want to vomit.
But thank you for this outlet! I'm new on this forum. I will be back and want to read comments to other questions.
Meanwhile: I don't think it's passive aggressive, it's just survival and much better than ripping her face off.
Judy: I think you might have hit the nail on the head. Lot's of anger there towards the mom who mistreated and the dad who let it happen.
Horseperson: You would be buying groceries and cooking dinner regardless of when you lived. Maybe you and you husband should find your own happiness. Your dad offered you a "SWEET DEAL" maybe the same kind of thing your mom offered your dad. I'll take care of you, but you have to sell your soul for it.
I hope you will give this some serious thought. My hope for you is happiness and love. Cattails.
I couldn't help but notice your title. horseperson. Do you have horses?
What if you and hubby went back to the original plan of buying a house together? You could get a job that would earn you more than the rent you are saving, be earning credit toward your social security history and building up a retirement fund.
It doesn't really sound like your father needs live-in help. If he needs some homemaking help he can hire that.
So, you could do it. You could get out from under the micro-managing oppression you feel in that house. What is holding you back?
But whether you stay or exert your independence, he will still be your father. Your history with your mother will not change. Please seek out therapy that will help you deal with your feelings -- not because your feelings are "wrong" but because they are keeping you from what you deserve: a satisfying and joyful life. You need to be able to stir the beef stew humming a little tune and thinking about the card party with friends this weekend, not boiling yourself in a full blown silent rage.
You matter. You are important. You deserve to be treated respectfully as an adult.
Please take care of yourself.