Dad moves at his own pace, slow. He refuses to speed up says fear of falling. How do we help him?

I'm sorry for you all. This is hard.
His hours in the bathroom could be a sign of anxiety. Has he ever been diagnosed with OCD? People with obsessive compulsive disorder (some people with dementia develop obsessive behaviors), tend to spend a lot of time in the bathroom because it's private and they relieve stress by repeating behaviors that others would question such as repeatedly touching an object such as the corners of a cupboard. This is harmless and he shouldn't be challenged unless he's in danger.
I don't know that you should worry about speeding him up. This is part of his cognitive degeneration and he doesn't need more stress with pressure to "speed up." He will likely feel less stressed if he's not pushed, even though it's natural on your part to want to speed him up.
I would recommend that he see his doctor again to ask about medication or therapy. Balance issues can be a sign of cognitive issues. He may even feel dizzy from a medication and not be aware that dizziness is the problem.
he bottom line is that he feels anxious and afraid for his safety - for good reason. Work with medical help and try not to pressure him.Pressuring him could backfire, as he can't help these feelings of fear.
Take care,
Carol

"How do we control things here?"

When you are with him, slow down.

When you schedule appointments, allow plenty of time to get ready.

If haste is absolutely necessary, provide lots of help.

Slowness may certainly be related to fear of falling. Other cognitive problems come into play also. There is a diminished ability to differentiate between important details and trivia. My husband (86, dementia) will carefully, slowly, button or zip his outer garment even though he is getting into the car in an attached garage and will unbutton or unzip it as soon as he is in the car. I've learned to allow for this delay in planning our outings. It is what it is. He is not going to change (he can't) so I have had to change.

Distractions are another delayer. I'll ask my husband to place some items in his travel bag while I go comb my hair. When I come back he is reading junk mail, and nothing is in his bag. Arggh! But he can't help it and he's doing the best he can. Usually I manage to be patient.

This is the new normal for Dad. Accept it. Help him accept it. Adapt to it. It is not going to get better.

All I can say is, thank God he can walk at all. My Mom now cant walk anymore or barely talk and I am having an OT come to talk to me about how to use a hoyer lift I suppose. I am lost as to what to do. I wish my Mom was slow, instead of a ragdoll now, be happy and hey, whats the hurry?

One of the things I learned from this site is to look for the difference between "his problem" and "my problem." My Dad's speed -- and lack thereof -- was driving me nuts. But people here, as well as his doc, helped messed he was happier going slow, and his speed wasn't aroblem for him. So,I adjusted my time frames to account for it, and I'm no longer so anxious about it. Other things have taken the place for me (really?!? You have to hide the wet diapers from me?). But it's a journey for all of us. Good luck.

MY MIL has dementia & health problems dr. wanted her to get therapy after her last surgery &hospital stay they have been here for about a month she isnt moving any faster yet she is afraid to fall like her brother in law she will tell them.
I agree with JaneB I just give her more time. WHEN daughter comes over she russhes her & yells to hurry come on mother.. My MIL calls her pushy & impatient..lol good luck

When I initially found this website one of the caregivers comments that I read was very profound for me & I will always remember it. In fact when I am on the verge of losing patience with my 87 yo mother & 82 yo mother-in-law who live with us, I repeat the comment out loud to my self. "They are in their world and as much as I would like for them to be in my world it will not happen. They can no longer understand my world, so I have to try to understand theirs."

Two years ago my mother fell while shoveling snow & broke her hip. She did not realize she was hurt & tried to stand up. She fell again & broke 3 ribs. She lives with us now & walks very slow with a walker because she is afraid of failing again.

My MIL has seen many of her friends lives permanently changed due to falls & she is afraid the same will happen to her, so she walks very slow also.

My wife & I have had to adjust our ways of doing things to deal with this. For example, when it is time for a meal we let them know 5 minutes before it is ready.

I think that God allows things to come into our lives to teach & test us. Most of my life I have not been a very patient person. Having our two "girls" living with us has taught me patience.

On the issue of spending a lot of time in the bathroom.... my mom spends a lot of time in the bathroom also. I think for her it is because she contracted a C.Diff infection while in a NH for rehab after breaking her hip. The C.Diff infection resulted in months of severe diarrhea on a daily basis. She is embarrassed by having to wear adult diapers & even more embarrassed when she did not get to the bathroom in time & made a mess. It is probably not the same situation for your dad, but I think my mom spends so much time in the bathroom because she is still afraid of having "accidents" on the way to the bathroom.

Grandpa hiker I think I am going to make a plaque with your words of wisdom & hang it BY MY MIL.. My SIL don't come much but when she does she yells at her mom says hurry rushes her ,My MIL don't care if she comes around(SHE says its torture) I thought she was doing it so her mom wouldnt want her to help her with anything but then she informed me I need to be more demanding and stern & make her Mom walk faster blahh blahhh... WOW I Love that anyone that has elderly living around them should know they are in there own little world.(I am making plaque or note for now done wrote it

It is a good thing your dad recognizes he needs to be very careful and move slowly. This can prevent him from falling and breaking something which would lessen his quality of life further. I know because it happened to my dad. Looking back, I wish I had understood then what I do now. I wouldn't have gotten as exasperated with him over how long it took him to do things as I did. As others have said here, I would've allotted more time. I think it is also salvaging their independence as long as possible...whatever that form of independence is. We are all so busy with so much to do, what seems like a long time to us, isn't to them. Best wishes.

GrandpaHiker, your comments are gold. It has taken me a while to adjust to my Dad's decline, but now I just give plenty of time for whatever it is we have to do. Falls had left him in a wheelchair, now he is using a walker and he is so excited to be walking again, but very careful. Balance issues are huge with cognitive decline. It is good that your Dad is being slow and careful, my Dad kept forgetting he should slow down! As for the bathroom time, sometimes they like the little routines in the bathroom and forget they have already completed them (is that really OCD?), it takes a long time to unzip, steady oneself, pull down (adult diapers especially can be bulky), steady, sit down, remember where you are (!) and why, then bowel movements can be very slow in the elderly. My Dad then has to inspect everything and report on it! Toileting takes a lot of balance - do you have rails and an elevated seat? Something to hold on to by the sink? They will become necessary. Looking in the mirror can also be a big distraction in the bathroom. The more childlike the cognitively impaired become, the more distracted. "They are in their world..."

Hello, my name is Jannie and I feel for you.
My Mom is basically immobile, she uses a walker and needs to walk very slow due to her not moving her body much in the past six years.
What I have discovered is Loving patience...oh Heavens to Betsy.. that is the hardest thing I have, as a mobile person, needed to understand.
People that are elderly or/and sick Need to move very slow.
My daddy, Bless his heart, always was on the move and then all of a sudden became ill, none of us knew what was wrong with him, one day he came home and told me and my mom that he needed Chemo... um...for what? do you have cancer, I asked...no he said, he said it was a treatment for an illness called Mylodesplasia..basically, his blood cells were not producing maturely. He would be out of breath and would fell a few times and got dizzy, the whole nine yards, this is a story with in itself,...long story about him, anyway he only lasted three months, thank God he did not have to suffer with this bad stuff for very long.
But, I was his caretaker a long with my imobile Mom.
Now that he passed away -Sept of this past year-
I take care of Mom
She goes to the bathroom and it takes time.
I did purchase some bars in certain areas in her bathroom that would help her be steady, she does use her walker..but she is very bent over and walks very very slow...
With your loved one taking hours in the bathroom, I may be in agreement with the person that posted earler, it may be some OCD, or
it could be some meds he is on.
At one time, my Mom was on some heavy drugs and man...oh man..it caused her to be really obsessive in the bathroom, she could not seem to "get it right" in her eyes,... one time, she wanted to look at some directions on some thing like hemeroid medication, I promise you it took thirty minutes for her to read it "just right".
I do not know what your loved one is taking, and he may Need to take this certain medication, but some of them cause them to be that way.
Bless their hearts, they just can't help it.
I know it is driving you nuts...... it did me, and with Mom sometimes, i just want to tap my foot and say anytime now! But, I cant, and wont.
So, my friend, how do you hurry them up more?
suggestions
To talk to them while they are in there..(if you are allowed in there) if not, post back and tell me you are not and I will help you through that one.
but, talk to them while they are in there..and say things like,
ok, now we are this.. direct them gently, lovingly, and calmly .. but you must be the leader and not a boss...
because I have been bossy and boy howdy that gets me no where.
I just say , ok now lets do this..and lead them thru it...
Please let us know if he is on some meds that are strong narcotics, I know from experience, personally and from my Mom that they can do that very thing.
I do not know if I have been of any help.. I sure hope so.
I look forward to your response.

This is my very post ever ...any where. on any website.
but, this website rocks as far as advice and venting...
Blessings,
Jannie