What is the best way to respond when a parent with dementia when they become very hateful to you, should you walk away?

I have this problem with my Mom, she just yells at me at times... She is confused and very unhappy... It breaks my heart and I do try very hard to be kind to her. I usually do walk away when she is unkind!!!

Same thing happened to me last night with my husband. He is the flower & I am the bee. I have to remember that, I just forget at times.
It can be so difficult when we forget that it is about the one needing assistance &
and not about "ME". I support any care giver, as am I, who stumbles & falls or FORGETS & takes things personally. You know those wings that you have and can't see?? Like the Light we reflect back to those we care for, no matter what they say. Like the GOD we believe in but can't see ,but so feel the presence of.
Do no harm; Keep the faith ; Keep talking & asking questions.
I walk away a lot. I pray a lot. I play the guitar a lot.

When they get frustrated by what they can't do anymore, that loss of independence, they turn it around to the caregiver, as if YOU are taking it away from them. Think about the example you used. She has trouble in the bathroom, and you ask if she needs help. In her mind, by you asking that, it's YOUR fault she needs you, in her demented mind. Once you understand that, it helps you to NOT take it personally. That has been my experience. Follow assanache7, she is full of wonderful advice and support.

I have the same problem often. This quote from assanache7 has gotten me through some rough days.

assandache7 posted 3/10/2014 at 6:05 am
Quote for the day: The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time...

I experience this with my Mom a lot. It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut at times, but the best thing todo is walk away. It is not her talking and I know it is hard to realize that. But boy is it tough. Good luck

My brother and sister and i care for our 88 year old Father, my sister has experienced most of what is posted here..she gets way too emotional though. I keep telling her to not let it get to her the way it does. Just take a few breaths and let it go. My Dad was NEVER like this before, however his entire life changed overnight and he is finding that it is very hard for him to adjust to his life now. He is after all still my Father despite the fact that he is now having difficulty.

I am only human...and I do everything for mom...she gets nasty and I try to hold it together..but then I answer back....my dad was the same way with mom....I am so frustrated...I have no life....

I do understand your concern. And I think you need to lengthen your patience because of her condition right now. All I can say is stay strong I know it is painful to hear those words from her but it is beyond her control.

I do understand your concern. And I think you need to lengthen your patience because of her condition right now. All I can say is stay strong I know it is painful to hear those words from her but it is beyond her control.

Maxwell, your situation has changed. There were three of you providing care to Mom, and now there are only two. That can make a huge difference. You need to re-think how best to care for Mom.

As the previous posts point out again and again, a person with dementia is not in her right mind, and the things she says should not be considered the "real" her talking. It is the disease. That doesn't make it pleasant, but it should help your ego and feelings. For years my mantra was "It is not Coy talking, it is Lewy!" (Coy was my husband and he had Lewy Body Dementia.)

Try not to argue with her and don't defend yourself. To the extent possible, try to sympathize with her. "Oh Mom, it must be very, very frustrating not to be able to drive. I am so sorry that has happened, but Dr. Carlson says it is not safe for you." "Gosh I'm sorry if the toilet paper is disappearing so fast. I'll be sure to buy a large supply when I shop this week."

I hope you can control your attitude to make her comments less hurtful.

But the bigger issue here is that you absolutely MUST have some respite, some time away from her, weekends to do your own thing. I doubt that you can count on your brother. Start looking for in-home help, so you can leave on a regular basis.

One way to start the process is to call social services and ask for a needs assessment for your mother. (Or ask her doctor's office for a referral to a social worker.) The person doing a needs assessment will be able to identify services your mother needs and ways you might get those services. If she is eligible for any financial aid, that process can be started. For example, would she qualify for Medicaid? Various in-home help is available through that program. Even if she does not need financial aid at all, Social Services can help you identify what services are available for her to pay for herself.

One great resource available in many communities is an Adult Day Health Program. It is a "social club" that persons who need supervision can attend 1 to 5 days a week. They provide hot lunches, and usually cold breakfasts. Art, music, crafts, cards, and many other activities are available. Most provide services such as helping with a shower or cutting toenails to those who want those services.

It is clear that you and your husband cannot continue to be the only caregivers. Maybe some in-home help and some out-of-home day care will be enough to make this work for a while. Eventually (maybe soon, maybe later) it will take more than that. By starting the research now you will be in a better position to turn her day-to-day professionals when that time comes.

Best wishes to you, Maxwell, and to your husband and to your mother.

My husband and I saw this coming 2 years ago,never had to deal with anyone with Alzheimer's , but I am the primary care giver and it is killing me !!!!!!! Mom has been very hateful ,think I'm stealing from her, using to much toilet paper lol, my husband and I have moved in with her for about 6 months now. About every week we get into it she is soooooo mean and says very hurtful things to me ,she wants us out of her f house, wants her f keys ( blames me for thanking her keys away ) dr.did . Her boyfriend of 3 years died 3 weeks ago and thing are so much worse !!!!he used to watch her over the weekend they would go dancing , shopping, he got her to paint ( she will not do any of them for me :( i need help please . I need a break my bother lives in fl and has nothing much to do with either one of us :( I do have my husband support :)

My MIL so far has not gotten hateful and hopefully she won't. I have noticed that her behavior has changed over the years. She only got diagnosed with Alzheimer's this year but there's no telling how long she's had it. My nephew was the first to notice something was up and he's been saying for a couple of years that he wanted to have her put in a NH. Dh and I thought he was exaggerating because we don't live with her and weren't seeing what was going on. He did up until a year ago(he bought a house across town) but hasn't said specifically what raised a red flag for him.

He took her out of town for the weekend last month and asked me to fix up her pill boxes for the weekend. Well, I brought her morning pills to her the morning she was leaving and she asked me where the rest of them were(meaning the ones for the rest of the weekend) and I told her that my nephew would get them. She just takes the pill box I'm holding and shuts the door in my face! Strangely enough, it didn't upset me in any way, didn't hurt my feelings in the least. It may have surprised me. My only reaction though was "Well, I guess she didn't like my answer" and I walked home. I only hope that that was the extent of any rude behavior on her part or I hope that's the extent of my reaction if she does get hateful.

She complains about my nephew the most. He took her keys away, he wants to put her in a home, he took over her finances so her annoyance I think is mostly directed at him and she may not lash out at me because of mostly directing her annoyance at him. She sees him as the one who took away her independence because in her mind, she's just fine and he's just overreacting. I'm pretty sure she's complained about me and dh not letting her babysit the kids to anyone who will listen though.

We can't win with this though. When my MIL says something hateful and I leave the room she says ''there you go, getting upset AGAIN.''

BUT I do find leaving the room is best for ME - because even though I wish I were a duck at times - I am not :0( I am a burnt out caregiver trying to do the best I can with very little help. Agingcare saved my sanity! THANK YOU ALL.

crazeydazey, you don't need to argue or walk away. A good way to handle this would be to ask if your mother needed help (if you suspect it). If she answered, "Not from you," just answer "Good, let me know if you do." Then walk away.

Took me forever to get this through my head too, but it takes what it takes. I would leave her alone if she is secure and safe and head to do something else. If you are with her, then redirect her to something else, can even be, wow look at this towel color, weird but true.

"Certainly don't react, get mad, correct her, defend yourself, or otherwise disagree with her."

I read that as 'Just be a doormat and accept abuse with your mouth shut because the disease requires it, then all will be well. (That's nothing against you, JG, you know I love your posts)

I can't get with the program. If these elderly people are abusive, verbally or physically, put them in a NH already. Nobody, and I don't care what the reason is, should have to deal with daily abuse and torture because these elderly are so far gone mentally that they don't know what they're doing anymore. If they don't know what they're doing anymore and become abusive, verbally or physically, they need to be with professionals that can handle them, rather than staying home and making everyone around them miserable. Just because the elderly have a disease doesn't make constant abuse less painful or easier to handle.

Try not to let it hurt you. You are doing very well

This was the hardest part in the beginning of the journey for me.They ^^^ are right. Just walk away,as long as she's safe and you can. It took me a while to learn not to argue and realize it's the DISEASE she is mad at and the DISEASE I am mad at. The loss of control she feels of her body and her mind turned into I "control"her. When she is clear(er) minded, we discuss it and she understands, but, of course, she forgets. Hang in there, and try not to take it personally.

The hardest part is the individual who was never like this before.

My Mom would have never said anything to upset me or anyone else, but the disease took over!

I realize if I keep my mouth shut and walk away she comes to me later with an apology. But if I argue or try to correct her she'll stew all day... Soooo, keep my trap shut is the way I go!!!

The question and all the comments are so helpful. My sister is periodically paranoid and hateful and accuses me of stealing from her. (Ironically, when I'm not home she goes thru my drawers and takes my stuff!)
I like the duck analogy--just let it roll off my back. Walk away and forget it, since she will!!

Great advice.

Opps. Sorry I meant to post that as a question.

How do I get MIL with Alzheimer's to believe me when I tell her that she is able to stand and walk?

I am glad to read I am not alone on this, Crazydazey, I am also new at this and do not know how to react some times however I do the same, walk away and hopefully things get better (in my case sometimes it works others.. well it does not.) I am glad it work for you.

thanks for all your input, I am new at this and it is so frustrating

Crazy: mom just last week after i asked her if i could help her, said "nothing you can do will ever make me happy. I left the room and just kept a low profile. She later was sweet as pie, so who knows? Has something to do w/ the neurofibrillary tangling of the brain I guess. Anyway that worked out OK.
Tonio

Poor Mom. Poor Caregivers. It is Dementia that is hateful!

If it is safe to do so (you are not in the middle of giving her a shower, etc.) then leaving the room for a few minutes may be best. Certainly don't react, get mad, correct her, defend yourself, or otherwise disagree with her. When she said she didn't need any help from you, you might have asked if she needed help from anyone, to get at what you needed to know. But I think you handled this well.

I think you did the right thing... she is confused obviously and she will forget. Do NOT treat her any differantly and don't bring it up... sometimes you have to act like a duck and let stuff just roll off your back!!! take care