How do I get my 90 year old mother to live her own life instead of mine?

jeanneqibbs...Bravo! You are exactly right. That this has been an issue for me since birth, I need to 'un-learn' the definitions of right and wrong as defined by my mother. Since I'm an "only" and her care falls to me, I have become overly responsible. At her age, she will always be "like she is". The guilt of being responsible for her happiness taught me from earliest life does not have to control my adult life. My head has known this, now I'm instructing my heart to be as wise as my head. Thank you VERY much for your wise and beautifully written reply. Have a wonderful day...I intend to, also. Thanks again.

Just say No.

Mother can expect anything she wants. She can expect the sun to come up in the west tomorrow and to win the powerball next week and that you will do as she directs. Expecting doesn't make it so.

She wants you to live down the block from her in East Podunk and you prefer a rural setting outside of North Harvesttown? Guess who gets to decide? The person you let decide.

Mother can expect and direct and want and wish all kinds of things. But all she really has control over is her own actions. And that is what you have control over -- your own actions.

If you decide to live where she tells you, that is your decision. It is not her power that is controlling where you live. It is your decision. Could you make a different decision and live somewhere else? Certainly.

You mother cannot live your life unless you let her. If you don't embrace your own decision-making power, then I don't think anything will improve while Mother is alive. But, hey, that's not likely to be more than, say, ten years, right? Do you want to wait until you are in your mid seventies to decide to live your own life? That's OK. But just realize that it is your decision to do that.

If this is a lifelong issue, then I can understand it will be very hard to just say no. But you really can decide to grow up and make your own decisions. Good luck!