I am married to a man 20 years my senior who is now in a nursing home. Are there other 2nd wives out there in similar situations? How do I cope?

This is Maryke again. Last week my husband did not know I was his wife but after a while he seemed to remember. He also did not recognize his daughter for a long period of time and she was devastated.I am very depressed and upset because this was always the thing I dreaded the most.I am hoping I will adjust to this in time but it so hurtful.

Thank you, cattails, I appreciate your message to me.I am a Canadian, living in St. Catharines which is very close to Niagara Falls, and I suppose that a lot of things are different here concerning health insurance, costs of nursing homes, etc. I am very pleased with the quality of care my husband is receiving.He often tells me how well I take care of him and when I say that the Personal Support Workers do most of the work, he says'Well , they are very good to me".So that is such a relief .

Prayers and best wishes to you, Maryke. I am sorry for your pain and loss, but grateful that you have a good head on your shoulders and you are making your way forward. Blessings to you and your husband.

Cattails.

I am sure that things will change if my husband no longer recognizes me. These years are my preparation years for what is to come. My husband does not have Alzheimers but dementia from several strokes.He still recognizes all his family members, even though they come very seldom.I take each day as it comes and appreciate him for who he is now. He can't walk or do much of anything. Maryke

Supreme Court Judge Sandra Day O'Conner has a husband in the last stages of Altzheimers and who no longer recognizes her. She has graciously accepted the fact that he has formed a relationship with another resident in his facility. She has decided to allow it to continue as it makes him happy. This must have been a very difficult decision for her but she lovingly put her husband's comfort before her own pain.

Hello, I just found this site. I am also married a second time to a man 20 years older than me and who is now in a nursing home.He has been there for 2 1/2 years now and I am finally starting to cope better.It has been so hard. He also fell in love with a personal aid and I was devastated. But as time went on,and in my case with a lot of crying, I realized that he also had to adjust to all these women in his life and he knows me as his wife now and things have settled down.If it is a problem for you with a certain woman, the best thing is to talk to the director about it.I visit about 5 times a week and stay for a long time each visit. I bring his favourite foods along and often stay for supper. I was overwhelmed with loneliness the first few years, stopped doing a lot of the things we used to do. However, I am finding that I feel a lot better now and am going back to church and choir and socializing with friends.I also started a volunteer musical program for the residents every other week.I don't know what advice to give anyone else in my situation. Each person has to make their own rules about how often to visit . I don't have a job so I feel a lot freer about visiting him.It takes a long time for us to adjust to this, I think it is much easier for the one in the home.They have so many good people around them. Foe anyone in my situation, hang in there, cry and grieve when necessary, take very good care of your own health and make sure you have other understanding friends in your life. Maryke

I am sorry to hear about your husband- I hope that with some counseling that you can learn to be happy again. I am sure that with time this love for the volunteer will pass- I am sure she probably isn't looking for a love connection in the nursing home anyway- you may want to visit with the administrator and they could probably have her volunteer in some other area of the facility. Good luck- how long have you been married? It will be 30 years for me in August.

My husband is 14 years older than I. He was depressed and had other ailments for years. I took care of him. Now he is in a nursing home and his depression, after treatment has lifted, leaving him with sexual interest for the first time in years. He is in love with a sexy looking volunteer of about 45. He is happy and I am devastated. It is hard to be part of his life when he spends visits raving about the volunteer. I want him to be happy.

Hi Tincan: Glad to see you posted your question. I hope you get lots of responses. Hugs, Cattails.......I'll check back and see how the thread is going.