My brother is POA and his girlfriend is caregiver to my mother, she has dementia. They won't let me see my mother. What can I do?

Everybody paid off or bribed or promised a carrot on a stick. Most follow the money

I have a 90 year old mother who has alz/dem. She made my older brother POA a few years ago. All the account that had my name on them are gone. I don't know where they are, but he does. I can't reach my mother, she lives 60 miles from me and is in her home which goes to my brother upon her death. My brother won't return my calls, letters. I don't know if mom is home, in SNL, etc. I'm afraid I won't see her again. I have an attorney for elder law, probate etc. They say they can't do anything since my brother is dodging my calls. Is there any agency that could help me. My mothers lawyer called mine wanting me to sign the last of her stocks over and I have refused unless I talk to her. That was 4 weeks ago. I had the local police do a welfare check, they told me she said, let her talk to my lawyer! She would never say or do this if she was in her right mind! Can anyone help me?

I'm in the same boat and it hurts soooo bad. I am so sorry for you. I found out in a text message the next day from my brother that my Father had passed and now he is working on my mother. Lawyers tell me it's not worth all the fight and money it will take and the police say it's his property and if he doesn't want you there, there's nothing we can do. How do we protect our love ones. Don't they have a right to see their loved ones. It is the cruelest thing I have ever had to experience!!! I wish I knew how to help you cause I need help too. 713-907-1458

Thai you for that it's sounds good
Might be a long way of that mum is ostile at mo might change
S/s called in yesterday she wouldn't except any help at all
But while out with her she said about not having strangers In the house
I know my brother as put this in her head
So she won't except there help .
??? Mabey they will see this who knows

Lanie222, I totally understand what you mean, and thank you for responding to my inquiry! I've been in your same shoes, regarding my Mom being embarrassed to ask for help bathing when she broke her hip and was unable to shower. It took several times to get a system that worked with her modesty issues, and then her barriers began to come down, and soon she didn't mind undressing in front of me at all. My suggestion is to start off slow, make sure she is covered, have a nice big bucket of warm water and plenty of washcloths and towels. I would put several towels on the bed for her to lay on, and several around and over her, then, as you said, give her the soapy washcloth and look away while she gives herself a good washing, starting with her face, all the while making sure she's covered up, wring out the washcloth again, have her do her arms and chest rinse and wring out the washcloth and on downwards, while your "looking away", and repeat until the job is done, you might even be able to talk her into washing her back, and other area's hard for her to access. All the while chat with her about your childhood or other fun things. You do this frequently enough, and hopefully it will become second nature for her, and not so embarrassing. Another thing that worked for me, is bringing in some her favorite smelling body cream, and lotion her all over, including her feet after a good soak! Maybe even some baby powder for under her arms and breasts, and other sweaty areas! Once she begins to feel fresh and smelling good, she may begin to enjoy this special time with you! Our Mom's were brought up in an age of strict modesty, but we have to remind them that they did it for us, and now we need to do it for them.

My mum is embarrassed I'm her daughter she does not want me to help her bath even tho I have said
Get undressed I pass you the towel
You go in give me the towel when you done I pass you the towel back
She still as capasaty to be embarrassed with her daughter

I have been told by s/s yes she as short turn Memery lose
But as capasaty
Mum is always saying to me yes she wants me to sort her care out and make decisions for her
Surly for her health and welfare if she says yes then I should do it I'm concerned more about her then her money

And why would s/s say it's ok for a women 83y with alzhimers to leave her door unlocked she is at the other side of A patio through a door
Bedroom with all her belongings in a bathroom then a long walkway through the door to where she is sat
That's ok then she could raped murder beaten up anything
Anyone can walk in ????????

My brother is 20 mins away in a car from me he's 5 mins from mum so is his sons
Her phone bill shows there numbers on once in a while mine every day I have just found out that mums money now as gone into the bungalow
So she is no guest but part owner
Why would a sibling sell mums house not tell his sisters move her within 2 weeks only telling me two weeks before she moves ....,.. Yes it looks good like he cares

So why does he and his wife go mabey once in a while
And tell s/s they go 3 4 times a week when it's not true ?????

Yes you have I try and try and try she always says she is not up to it I can not drag her in ????

If your Mom hasn't had a proper bath in 2 years, why can't you help her to have one, while you are visiting her? That just struck me as odd, since your brother told them that you would be caring for her several days a week? Maybe I misunderstood.

Lanie, if your mother has been to the memory clinic and her dementia has been diagnosed, forget LPA for Health and Welfare. No respectable GP will let her do it.

Does your brother himself live far from you? If not, I can't see why he would want to move your mother far away.

Don't forget that he's bought this bungalow for her. I doubt if he particularly wants to go through the whole rigmarole of moving her again unless he really has to.

What kind of sheltered housing provision and residential care is available in your area? Have you looked into it?

I am scared my brother wil put her in a home far away to make it haRd for me

Done that she as been diagnosed .
My mum as said she truests me and would leave me to sort out her care whe she can not to see her doc who ell decide if she make decisions
I am thinking of going for POA over her health and welfare I have to take her to the Docs nd he will decide if she as capasaty to make that Decision
I

Um. But then Lanie why didn't you tell the social worker that?

I agree that I do not think it is reasonable for you to be your mother's primary caregiver. She is not living with you. You are not always well enough to look after her. She needs a formal support structure, not ad hoc care provided by family members.

Did you say the social worker is going to see your mother, too? The thing is, social services can't arrange for carers to visit your mother unless your mother agrees, or if she isn't able to then your brother.

If you think it's important for the social worker to understand what the situation is more clearly, call his office and leave a message for him to ring you.

Most of all, try not to worry about your mother. Between her GP and social services, she has got people keeping an eye on her overall. Do you know if she has been referred to a Memory Clinic by her GP, by the way?

I said I go to mums on these days
And he took it I was to care for her on the days ???which yes I do but
I want cares to go in and I can then if I'm unwell not go but know somone is going in and checking on her
That I can not be expected to do this as a job

Lanie I'm a bit confused about one point.

The social worker understood that you go to visit and help your mother every day form Sunday to Thursday inclusive, is that right? So that as far as social services are concerned, they think you are part of the care plan do they?

Did you tell the social worker that you will not do this, and that it is not true that you will visit your mother on those days?

Yes we went and said what we were worried about I won't go into it all but I was told money of mums had gone towards the house
Also he was happy mum was ok was well looked after.
That she lived in a nice big bungalow that my bro had provided
That I can not prove bullying
That he felt mum had no safety isusses
Although I told him there had been a lot of breaking in the area . And he himself never locked his door ????
He said mum went though her morning Scheduled.... She got up then washed and dressed he was sure she was ok doing this .
Although my brother as kept telling me she needs a bath . He came across abrupt
And said he didn't think mum needed to move or have any care what to ever as my brother told him that I will go to help her from Sunday throug to Thursday then they will go Friday and sat
The fact that mum gets no care them two days I can not proof .
And he said as much .
Me well I can not do this 5 days a week it will make me Ill . He won't pay for care and s/s agree with him
That fact mum repeats herself over and over again can not remember if she as eaten or had a drink never locks the door ever
Does not wash every day . In fact only had a bath once in 2 years
Can not follow anything on tv
This s/s in my opinion was extremely impressed with my brother and his money
How sad
I now will see mum not every day
Until capasaty as gone then I will never go again while she lives in my brothers/ mother house
No one can do anything about my two nephews bullying me
But I can I will ingnore them not go as much .

Good luck for today, Lanie. I hope the social workers listen to you properly. But you listen to them, too, yes? Let us know what happens.

They have only met mum once up to press
They are going again after they have seen me . So at mo no one is going in regular at mo but me . My bro is away at mo his sons don't come near me when dads away ??? He's always 5 mins behind them when he's home both boys are 36/40 I say boys they do not behave like muture men at all
Yes I will be back after today's meeting
?? But why am I not confident I really think my bro will have convinced them they go a lot and look after my mum ????

Lanie if you're online typing on the forum at four in the morning this does not sound like you're very okay.

I'm glad you're seeing your mum's team tomorrow. Meanwhile, though, who's looking out for you?

Keep away from your brother's family until everything's sorted out. You don't need the stress, and it can't be doing your mother any good either. If the community team is visiting her and in touch with her brother you don't have to worry that she'll come to harm.

Come back and tell us what happens tomorrow, please? Look after yourself, hugs x

Seeing them Tuesday
Bro has already seen them with my mum
But I'm seeing them on my own
Then there seeing mum on her own .
Last week at mums his son shouted at me wouldn't let me pas to get mum indoors was swearing and calling me names about the house keys
Unsettling
Upset my mum good she has forgotten it now ....my bro sat on my bonnet of car to stop me leaving then wouldn't let me close the door till he had .... Had is say just bullying me it's sad that they feel they have to do this yes it's his house but he moved mum from hers sold it and put mum in this house it not her home
I'm sure if she had realised what he's was going to do all this controlling and bossing .
She would never have agreed to it .
Me I'm ok at mo near a breakdown
But at mo strong again
Thank you for asking hugs .

Lanie did you hear from Social Services? What did they say? How are you doing, in yourself? I'm glad you haven't left the forum completely. Hugs.

Start by writing a certified letter to your brother (forget the girlfriend since legally she has no standing) requesting visitation. You'll then have something on record that he's ignored your requests and then I'd say go to a lawyer...legal aid if you've no money. POA should not be Power to Steal your mother. If the house is your Mother's, I'd just walk on in if you don't hear back from the brother.

I have got the same situation
It seems to me POA goes to the head
I have been going to mums 7 days a week I have keys to her home which belongs to my brother
He as cut down my visits says there his days now
But he's not going
So no one goes in to make sure she is ok
He wants his keys back I'm not allowed any now .
I know he spends her money I have reported it
All I can say is fight
I'm near breaking point
Have been there and back over and over one thing or another rules and more rules
His wife I never see is in the background she is the nasty Unfeeling bitter person that's doing this
She hates me for something I did 30y ago one thing
Not normal
And people that do this sort of thing are not at all normal

My sister gained guardianship and immediately locked down my access. Sad. My mom would be furious. I'm either doing nothing or visiting at her supervised visitation with my advocate regular. It's about who can hire expensive lawyer. My sister is toxic. I won't be drawn in. My mom deserves better.

Chark7, you probably need to start a new thread asking a key question to get better responses. The Get Answers box should be on your right on the screen - you just follow the instructions and it'll take you through it.

Meanwhile, though. Um. If my husband were ill and I had a child on the phone fizzing with anger I'm not sure I'd be urging that child to hurry home, either. What's the back story? Have things been difficult between you and your mother for some time?

Start a new thread, though - I'm sure people will have something constructive to suggest.

8-3-2015 just got off phone w/ my mother - called to speak to my dying father and said he was sleeping. I,ve been tired of this run around for months now and
told her again that I have an open window to come to home (Wisconsin - 4 hrs away from any major airport) Mpls to Marshfield, WI.....Ist question very deliberate, " left a message last Sunday for you to call back?" Mother, "Oh we were at the cabin..... -$650,000 dollar cabin, their 3rd one of course....
"Sure" I said. "And did not hear from you" ---- "Oh, well we just got back on Monday"---"Who drove you" asked, she "Well of course your sister, Kathy."
"That's nice", How is Dad? really want to speak to him___ silence. me "you know 'ive had this open window I've told you about since his scare.. I really want to come home to see him"And all politeness stops in my mind! So when you asked me how I was going to manage to come home was that your way of saying--don't come or was it really about money? I asked. Reply (this after round and round about answers - she would have been a very good navigator with NewYork's Upper East Socialites....)so the reply "I don't think you need to come for a while." "Just what I thought you would say,mother" She hates the word mother, don't know why cause she has always spoke like Mommy Dearest. Sorry, my anger has got the best of me.
Anywho, I need help to deal with this --------- audacity she has bestowed upon my father and I. Please help. This is the truth maybe I should write a book though the money would not appease me - I can't stand rich people like my parents........I am actually disabled from a car accident in 2005, is that what s embarrassing her??????looking forward to any help at all!!!!
Char-Golden, CO

My dad has dementia and lives in his house, but my niece and her family moved in to care for him.my sister has poa and will not give me any info regarding his current health status except to tell me th at he is on hospice. I live out of state and want to see my dad. They won't even let me talk to him I don't know what to do. Last summer I got to see him twice. And was not allowed in the house I was also threaghtened with a restraining order if I attempted to go to my dads house
Help!

I have a similar situation. My mother who is 85 years of age has dementia and her husband/stepfather will not let us see her. If we knock on the door he doesn't answer and will not answer the phone. He has called the police on us and they tell us to stay away. We don't have the money for lawyers. We have called DCF(Department of Family Services) and they say they can do nothing. He has wet demacular generation of the eyes and is consider legally blind. What are our rights to see our mother? Please if anyone knows something about this let me know. We are in Tampa,Florida.