How to gently let go of a overbearing grandmother and go to school?

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lillyrae Asked June 2012

How to gently let go of a overbearing grandmother and go to school?

Hi. I've been in a way taking care of my grandmother when I was still in high school and it's been very trying and hard for me for the past 6 years now. I've since graduated but since then life has been going down hill with her. She was hospitalized about the same time this year for not taking her medicine as well as a head injury due to her not eating for 2 weeks and since then she has developed very odd sense of logic. She's been saying the cold air makes her sweat as well as being in denial about having a blood disorder. She has no dementia since she was tested twice last year for each time she was in the hospital but she has been diagnosed with moderate depression and hypothyroidism. Lately we've been clashing about things. She has been holding the past inside and lashing out on me. To make matters worse her two sons refuses to help me since they only made matters worse by how they treated her. I've went through some agencies and instead of getting help I was getting put down for not having a job nor a driver's license. I can't go for so far without her saying no to it. I'm only 20 years old and I've been taking care of her since the 8th grade and I feel I'm way over my head. If anyone could point me in the right direction it would be appreciated. I don't want to abandon her but she's pushing me away and putting me down. I can't take for so much of her mood swings and anger that appear from her remembering the past. I've tried to talk to her but she refuses to open up. I tried to get her to talk to her doctors *psychiatrist and her primary care* and she still will not see them, in fear she will be put into a nursing home as she told me. I just don't know what else to do. I've tried almost everything and it seems she will not allow me to work full time either. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I feel trapped in a way and I would want to be out but I feel I'm in a fork in the road.

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score 0 · Answer 1

Thank you to both of you.
I will sit down with her as she cools down. She yelled at me again today over the same thing. I feel that she does use some things as a way of saying "No you can't leave me yet" and acts like a spoiled child. I will try to see if a good friend can help me set some time apart and help me get into school and perhaps a part time job that can help me with a one room place somewhere. I love her very much but it kills me to have these run ins with her. Thank you to both you for helping me I will see if I can get to school or get a job to have someone come out to check on her weekly and I will stay in contact with her so she won't feel that I abandoned her. But she has to become fully independent on her own. I know it will take time but I feel it is time I move on with my life and keep a eye on her as well but not to care for her as I am doing I feel a bit too much. Since the only I can not do is drive but I do mostly everything while she watch tv and do her puzzles and drive somewhere, where I do her shopping since her arthritis keeps her from being on her feet for so long. Thank you again.

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Lillyrae, your grandmother has become so dependent on you that to think of you going or doing anything different, is scary to her. However, you still need to go back to school as you had originally planned. So... sit grandma down and talk calmly to her. Remind her that your plan all along was to go back to school, so the two of you need to put your heads together and find a solution that you both can live with. Don't lose your focus or be intimidated by her tantrums or objections. Just keep it matter of fact, and follow thru. If you have a girlfriend that can be with you while you talk to your grandmother, then do it. Stay determined without being thrown off by whatever she tells you. Once she realizes that you CAN'T be swayed, maybe then she'll buck up. Even if she doesn't buck, do it anyhow.

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Well I did had nurses to come in twice but she would call them or they will tell me that is she sound mind and that there is nothing wrong with her. I feel stuck in a way. She yelled at me again today and I feel that she is holding a grudge against me for getting her help twice. Even though the doctor said all of her test came back that she's fine and nothing to worry about just give her space when she lashes out and try to talk to her. But she's stubborn and she won't listen to me at all even if she's in a good mood. I feel that all I can do is leave but have arrangements for the local senior place that have RNs on hand to come and check her out and find something or someone who would help with the chores for her with little pay since I don't have a job and I really need to go back to school. I feel that she wants to keep me here so I won't leave her and she acts out on being alone by doing these things when I mention anything about school and making a way to move out.

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score 0 · Answer 4

She doesn't sound sharp or independent. Call your local DCF, they maybe able to guide you. Or the United Way has resources and your county or city may have resources too. She MAY need a nursing home- you have to consider that. But in anycase, you need to set boundaries with her. " grandma, I will call you at 5 pm" and stick to it. And do not answer the phone if she calls. Or just enough to say " are you ok" she says yes, then I will call you at 5 and hang up. Tell her you will clean up if she cooks or what ever , You need some help. Yes she has the right to make her own choices, but you have a right to a life. And shame on your Uncles. karma will take care of them, They should be helping you somehow, to give you a break, Even if its just to go to the movies or bring over dinner, or hire you a aide for a few days (10-15$/hr) And they could do the repairs. Whats wrong with them! Anyway, Try your local United Way or local elder's council thru the city or county. Good Luck, sweetie.

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score 0 · Answer 5

My parents were never in my life. She took care of me as well as her friend who passed away helping me with her at the hospital. I told them numerous times that I will be going away to college and that I need some times away to settle in a new city but they kept telling me that she is fine to live by herself and that I could work with her to move away. The case worker they sent out for us was very rude and told me she wouldn't help me get help and told me I'm the adult now so I have to make the decisions and get help on my own. As for her she can be easy to get along with sometimes but when I mention about getting on my feet she becomes clingy to the point she will lash out or accuse me of mistreating her and saying she doesn't need me anymore. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I did had a way for her to go to the senior community place where she could play bingo and meet others but she refused and called them to decline. I had two nurses to come to check on her but she called and decline them for coming here. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like the system didn't want to help seeing that we don't have much money or enough collateral or something. She's still very sharp in mind and very independent but I'm usually cooking, cleaning and doing housework and repairs on my own. It's very stressful. She doesn't want to go out and meet new people. She doesn't want me to gone out of the house for so long without her calling my phone and yelling at me even when I call her every 3 hours when I do leave out of the house.

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score 0 · Answer 6

Lilly, where are your parents? Why in the world did you get the SOLE responsibility for your grandma? There was a time when my grandma started needing more care then my grandpa could give her, and I volunteered to take care of her. My mom and dad stepped in and said 'no' because they knew it SHOULDN'T have been my responsibility. They were the adults, and she was their responsibility. It is nonsense to think a kid would become the caregiver of a grandparent or parent for that matter, in the first place. For me, I loved my grandma so much and would've done anything for her, but in my heart I knew it wasn't practical to think I could take care of her till she died. So apparently the people responsible for your grandma took advantage of a little girl's willingness to help out, and now you're stuck are you? Well it's time to put the ball back in the court of those who should've been doing it all along. When my father-in-law was taken to the hospital because he also was 'going down fast', they would NOT release him back home if there was no one to take care of him. If you tell them at the hospital that there will be no one to take care of her at home because you'll be off to college somewhere (true or not true don't care) then someone will have to find accommodations for her right? But start putting the word out that you're leaving soon, then do it. Now you wait, someone will write to you and say that the hospital will send her back home again regardless. But that was our experience at least. Good luck.

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How to gently let go of a overbearing grandmother and go to school?

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