My mother is 81, and has been extremely lonely and depressed for many years. It eventually pushed her into mild dementia. After a bad fall with a brain injury in March, she graduated to moderate dementia. Her short term memory took the biggest hit. After a hospital and rehab stay, my brother and I selected an ALF to see if she could adjust to assisted living. It's been 2 very loooooong months.
She is miserable in the assisted living, and her most frequent complaint is due to having such a small living space, and constantly begs to go "home", even though she only has a vague idea of what home is. My husband and I work full-time, so living with us is not an option. I feel guilty in not helping her to get back to her patio home, even though I know she would lose the small bit of social interaction she has at the ALF. It feels like there is no really good option, and am being drained by the amount of attention she needs. We've hired a companion to spend afternoons with her and assist her in learning to socialize, and I have spent almost every evening with her trying to help her adjust. Her misery is really wearing on me. I'm thinking that going back to her patio home with some paid assistance is going to be the least of the miserable options. Even though she will quickly be crying about "staring at the four walls, alone".
Does anyone have any wisdom to share?
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I am a strong advocate that a person should remain in their home as long as possible, if the person is safe and has a support system in place.
I do not think that a person should remain in their home at the expense of other family members - meaning many family care givers give up jobs, outside relationships and are financially affected.
Care givers do not realize what they are agreeing to do when they say they want to support someone in the home. It may be 10 years or longer of care giving.
My suggestion to you, is to sit and discuss what your family member wants and expects as far as living arrangements.
Now, here is a step that many care givers do not take- SET LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES as to what you are willing and able to do.
Sit and discuss- I cannot take care of you when you are no longer able to walk, become incontinent, become a behavior problem, socially isolated etc.
Put all this in writing. Then, everyone knows what to expect.
Discuss options- nursing home and assisted living. Include those in the conversation. This is a way to make informed decisions comfortably.
Diane C.RN
Catwoman, you can only do so much n hopefully she will be able to settle in n be comfortable. All ALF r not the same so u may want to be checking other places that can give your mom the best care they can if the place she is already staying is not able to give her that care. Eventhough, she has memory loss, she is a human being. I would think she will remember some stuff n a place that does activities would help your mom even if she don't remember it later she enjoyed it at the time. That what I think about my mnl when we take her once a wk to an activirty respite care for four hrs. I know she is smiling when I drop n pick her off n even though she don't remember what they all done that day, I can see it on her face that she enjoyed her self. Now, next Wed will have to start all over again to explain she will be visiting her friends at the church n that she will have a good time. of course next Wed there not open due to holiday. U get what I mean. All u can do is the best u can n live your life too.
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