What if you and your mother cannot live together?

My mother will soon qualify for nursing home assistance. She lives alone and trusts no one. She trusts no one and hates me. How will I get her into a nursing home? Must have the state get involved? She can become a danger to herself and others.

One thing that keeps going thru my mind is when we were kids, our parents made tough choices sometimes and we didn't always get what we wanted....most of the time in many cases.... I know as a parent , I still feel the stirrings of guilt on occasion... having to make tough choices.... under no circumstances what so ever would my father have been allowed to live with me.... I would have dealt with the guilt... but he had money, so he chose AL.... Thank God.... but I KNEW it would never work, so it was never an option.... guess what I am trying to say is, just because it's what mom wants doesn't mean it's the right thing for either of you.....If you are able to help financially, then lay your guilt down, and help all you can that way... and if you know what will happen not being able to tend to your own health issues, then sounds like you already know what you have to do... None of get this job done without guilt... just part of the package...
There are no magic answers, no magic pills, no way around it... guilt is our constant companion along with our elders... or we can learn to say, "you can't make me feel guilty for not feeling guilty'... I wonder how many of us really don't feel guilt, but think we do, or say we do, when we really don't.... I have some guilt about my son, none about my dad....but do on occasion feel bad for being so tired and the tone of my voice upsets S... don't know if that's guilt or not... I just try not to do it again.... so I hope you think long and hard before you do something you already know isn't going to work..... what's the worst that can happen???? She is already unhappy , so this shouldn't be a stone in your path.... good luck....

Well, it is very good to have figured out that you can't live together. It is easier to not get into that situation than to get out of it!

Here is a sad truth about caregiving: you are going to feel guilty. Caregiving is full of lots of imperfect choices, and no matter what you do there will be reasons it isn't exactly the right thing. (The right thing is to have your loved one healthy and of sound mind again. Since that can't happen, nothing measures up.)

Don't worry about nursing homes allowing her there ... they are extremely experienced at dealing with difficult people.

Since you have been contributing to your mother financially, will she have difficulty affording a care center on her own? You might consider looking into applying for Medicaid, before the need arises. (Just get ready, not necessarily submit an application.)