2 years ago my daddy passed away. In March 2011 my mother came to live with me and my husband. Some days were good, some ok, some a nightmare. She ran back and forth from Texas to Iowa. Most times demanding I beg her to come back. She gave me money for an inheritance and paid for some remodeling of our house that was being sold and paid for airfare when my dad's last brother was dying so we could be there. She always said no repayment was necessary. We provided her a home, food, cigarettes at times, transportation - whatever we could do for her, we did. Now we are thieves, liars, cheats and I'm trash because I'm white and my husband is hispanic. She is back in Iowa living with my cousin because she can't live alone after falling and breaking something in her back. She has sent back every piece of jewelry I ever gave her and the cell phone we were providing for her (which we are paying for cause her contract just renewed for 2 years). I've posted here before when she was making me on the verge of a breakdown and my psychologist told me to stay away from her cause she is aggravating my MS. Like a fool, I still tried to be the "good" daughter - being an only child is hell!! Do I give up? How does one just forget their mother and get on with life? I'm 59 and feel like I'm 12! My husband of 35 years is tired and angry that she hurts me like this so often. Am I nuts or is she?
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You are not an only child because I am pretty sure we share the same mother. Hug! I can really relate to a lot of what you said. It sounds like both of our mothers are unpredictable and hurtful. Also probably very nice, generous and so forth much of the time, but when they turn on the rude and mean stuff, it seems to just cancel everything else out becase it is so bewildering.
I reached a turning point with this last episode of hers and it really freed me. As I said to my husband "she lost me, but is never going to know that". Maybe you can look at it in the same way...you can control your behavior, how you respond, and so forth. But not hers. So keep doing the right thing, whatever you believe the right thing is in any given situation. Enjoy her being far away, and remove yourself from negative conversations, etc. And do not let her come back to live in your home! She is doing this - not you - so you are being a good daughter. Always be there for her in every other way you can, but set boundaries about behavior, anger, etc. Even conversation topics. You and your husband deserve peace and serenity in your lives. Make it happen. I am fighting the same battle as you, and although it still hurts and I have doubts sometimes, I do feel happier than I have it a very long time. It is empowering to take back the control of your own life.
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Anybody who gives you any guff should be told to look it up and measure themselves by that standard.
There's nothing you can do about her attitude and actions. Repeat: There's nothing I can do about her attitude and actions. Repeat again as necessary.
That being said, you may want to stay involved enough to insure her proper care.
For your mental and physical health, as well as the survival of your marriage, it may be necessary to move her to an assisted living facility. This is NOT betrayal even if you "promised" NEVER to do so. She is not the same person to whom you made that promise; neither are you.
There are all sorts of books and pamphlets about how to pick a facility and how to make the move go well. Read them. But realize that nothing can go well unless all the parties to it want it to go well.
Another Biblical reference. I realize the 10 Commandments say to "honor your father and your mother." The end of the commandment reads: "so that your days may be long upon the earth." Honoring her means seeing she gets the best care you can provide. It does NOT mean that the only care that qualifies is at your house. Your days will only "be long upon the earth" if you allow yourself to ask questions based on the principle "what is best for everyone concerned." That includes you. Your needs count just as much as hers.
Blessings on you. I know your fingernails get bent from "holding on." Know that you have friends out here who are willing to help.
Are you nuts? Hmm. Overall probably not. But you are certainly behaving in self-destructive ways. Totally understandable and I don't think you have to be nuts to feel like you're 12 years old and wanting your mother's approval. For your sake, I hope you will now listen to your therapist and also take the excellent advice sunflo2 has given you.
Keep firmly in mind that this is Not Your Fault! (It may not be your mother's fault, either -- I don't suppose she asked for dementia. I can feel sympathetic toward her, but that doesn't change my advice.) You've been a great daughter. The present situation is beyond your control.