How do I get my mom to stop lying and deceiving? She acts like a child, but all there mentally.

frawqsis - thank you so very much! This is a way to make it light and fun! Your post made me feel so much better. Hope you have a great day!

First of all let me say I completely see where you are coming from and bless you for trying to suck it up and make the best of it. My mother-in-law has lived with us for almost 2 yrs and is only 72 but acts like your mom. She lies to my husband or doctors or even complete strangers because she us still mad that she can't live by herself anymore. Here is what I do; I laugh and say how nice it is to be raising a 2 yr old stuck in a 72 yr old body and more importantly I have a grwat network of friends that I can lvent to when I need too. My husband and I have been honest with our son that sometimes granny doesn't say things tgat are true because her reality and feelings are different than ours but tgat we have to just laugh and not take what she says to heart. I think sometimes she thinks if she causes us problems we will move her out but that won't happen. You and you partner especially need to make an agreement between the two of you that no matter what you will stand by each other and not let your mother's behavior and mouth cause you issues. Good luck to you

Thank you for your post. I am in Canada and have explored the options, ie nursing home, independent living etc. and unfortunately, I had many people take me on tours in tears at the thought of putting my mom in a home. The Independent living centers are all in low income housing in Canada (there are no private ones that I have found as of yet) and so, this option has been tabled for now.

Don't get me wrong, my mom has a great life with us. It is safe and stable and loving. However, being human, people push boundaries and perhaps it is less about punishing her and more about learning to draw boundaries for acceptable behavior. It is a tough situation and we are working on making our house into two apartments for physical space. Would love guidance on how to draw the boundaries with people who have been through it. At this time, moving her out is not an option (at least for a few years due to our systems here in Canada and wait time).

Thank you so much for responding and providing your experience.

She did her best in a difficult situation. She loved you and you knew that, through all the challenges she faced. That is wonderful. She may be doing her best now. But it is not really good enough. You may believe in her, but I'm not seeing evidence that you have the skills and knowledge to provide that very good environment that will allow her to change. You are doing your best now, too, aren't you? But in spite of that it isn't working. Mother isn't miraculously responding to your loving care by changing the fundamental way she has coped for decades. And this is NOT YOUR FAULT.

What could get her to change? I don't know. Family counselling comes to mind. That might be worth trying.

Or maybe it would be better for EVERYONE if Mother were in a clean, safe, pleasant environment where you and your sister and your sister's children and perhaps your-partner-to-be could visit her as loving family, without having day-to-day 24/7 responsibility for her. She deserves a peaceful place, where her daughter doesn't have to treat her like a child and punish her. And you all deserve to get on with your lives. Not abandoning Mother. She certainly didn't abandon you. But doing what is best for her in love and with respect.

I truly hope that you can resolve this in a way that will be more peaceful for everyone.

I should say, that although my mom had her issues, she was a very loving mom and always made me feel like I was special and amazing. She made some bad decisions, but I never doubted that she loved me to death. She was a teen raising two children. She tried and did her best for her children.

Hi Jeannegibbs, Thank you for your quick response. That is a good question. She seems to be all there mentally. She came from an abusive family and was an alcoholic until her aneurysm. She was always sneaky and always lied. The challenge now, is that as I am going into a stage to get married and have a family, my partner is very concerned with having my mom around children. My sister just took her away with her kids for 11 days and said it was horrible because my mom was lying and was a bad example for her young children. My sister was adamant I put my mom in a home because of her behavior and move on with my life. My partner doesn't think she wants to change and therefore believes it's impossible. I feel so torn up because I believe if you put someone in a very good environment, you can show them a way of living they have not experienced before. I believe in her.

How can you be sure that she is "all there mentally"?

Did she stab you in the back with lies while you were growing up? Did she behave this way before the aneurysm and strokes? When did this behavior start?