mystiquemay Asked September 2012

Husband wants mom out. Is this normal? Should I be understanding of him?

Husband and I took my mom in four months ago, agreeing that we would take her in (on my siblings' request -- 7 of them!... 6 older and 1 younger) and my siblings would help take her to her doctor appointments, get her address changed and other obligations taken care of. Unfortunately, the majority of them ended up doing nothing. On top of that, when I pretty much pleaded for their help as promised, they started attacking me, cursing my family and my children "ten folds", saying we were going to hell, for us to stay away from them as we are no longer part of their family, etc. We no longer talk to my siblings.

I attended a family meeting a couple of months ago and couldn't believe my ears when my mother lied to them about my husband and I right in front of me. It was very hurtful and I was told by another sister that my mom said a bunch of things to her separately, i.e., she asked me to translate some paperwork for her and I just yelled at her, husband and I don't cook for her, etc. My mom has never been an easy person to live with. I am 26 years old and haven't lived with her since I was 12. I work full-time and I also go to school.

With all of this drama, especially the fact that my siblings don't do anything for my mom (as promised) but have the audacity to attack us repeatedly, my husband wants my mom out. I understand where he is coming from as I have been stressed out to the max as well. My grades were falling and I became very scattered at work. I also started to fall into a depression and sometimes thought about leaving my mom and my husband alone in the home. My husband says either she goes, or he goes. We have two little girls together. My siblings keep saying they'll find an alternate home for her but it's been over one month and we were told they haven't done so.

I honestly can't live with my mom, but I feel guilty for not letting her stay. Of course we are just trying to pressure the siblings to meet their end of the bargain and find her a place already. I just hate being stuck in the middle of it all. Help?!

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I wouldn't wait for sibs to find her a place. I would go out and find one on my own.

Helpful Answer (17)

You know your marriage vows puts your husband first. Yes, we owe our parents respect and help but you have other siblings and they need to step up. My son-in-law put his mother's needs first while his two other siblings look on from the side and my daughter's family life went in the hopper. Listen to your husband, take your share of responsibility but let the others step up too.

Helpful Answer (12)

I think I might bring her to the sibling who is most financially able to help her and drop her off there for a "visit" and never come back. I know that this is common and I read it online all the time but I think it is nervy of them to blame you when they are not lifting a finger. Once they see how difficult and life consuming it is to take care of her, they might get off their fannies and find a solution that will work for everyone. I know that it is easy for me to say as I have no siblings but I do have a friend who was in the same situation and she made her siblings jump in by telling them that she could not do certain things "I can't bring Mom to the doctor next week so one of you will have to do it" and they started to help more. Frankly I like the drop off for a "visit" more. Hang in there and do not sacrifice your family or your education for your selfish siblings.

Helpful Answer (9)

The "ten fold" comments tend to make me think they are making a "Biblical" reference. Thus it seems that you were raised in a church going family. I would therefore comfort yourself with the Bible's admonition about 'forsaking all others', meaning that your primary family, which means first your spouse and then your children, must be your priority. Demanding parents and other extended family can destroy family peace when you allow them in. You are not being disrespectful to your parents by finding them a safe place to be and overseeing their care there. Listen to you husband about his feelings and tune out the rest of them. They are 'working' you, including your mother. Take care and God bless.

Helpful Answer (9)

I feel so sorry for you. I took both my parents in and it was terrible! After my dad died, my mom continued to live with us for overa year. I have 6 siblings and none of them helped!! My husband had to do way more than his share of taking care of my parents including bathing, cooking, emptying nasty pots, giving enemas. He was so good to do anything to help me but it became overwhelming. One day he told me that he didn't enjoy coming home anymore. I hated he felt that way, but I too like you felt like I was caught in the middle. He hated my siblings for dumping all the responsiblity on us. We never got a break and we both worked full time. My mom had no money to hire help. I depended on my neighbor and father in law to help when we were at work. As a result, my husband ended up cheating on me. We are still together but look at the pain we have suffered all because my siblings would not help out. I finally moved her into an apartment for elderly and got her signed up for home health. I still have to go take care of her 2 to 3 days a week but it's much better than every day. You are so young and I agree that your husband and kids should come first. I didn't do that and I have regretted it. I just want to give you a hug because I know how you feel. You hang in there and I'll be praying for you.

Helpful Answer (9)

My heart goes out to you in this most stressful situation. The uncooperative siblings is so common - not fair - but it is what it is. Your plate seems to be full and your siblings aren't helping at all. You have a husband and two little girls to think about. Seems like you might have to be the proactive one here and start looking for alternatives for your mother. Try not to feel guilty - there are many ways to handle this. Try calling your local Elder Care facility in your town.

They have many suggestions and are a wealth of knowledge. Not knowing your mother's financial situation - I would start with Elder Services and go from there. You will figure something out even if it is on your own. Thinking of you.

Helpful Answer (8)

I agree find her a place on your own, you are only 26 and have the right to your life, marriage and sanity.

Helpful Answer (8)

Please go and talk to a professional. Most insurance plans cover at least a few visits to a counselor. I had to do this very thing when my mother was so mean to me. It was a lifeline and reminded me that the only person whose feelings I was responsible for was my own. That is an easy thing to say and much harder to do but I am doing better with it every day. The counselor will talk thru things with you and you will find great comfort in knowing that you are doing the right thing for you and your family. I think your siblings will have a rude awakening when your sister starts having "problems with mom". Even if they don't you still have your husband and children. Remember that "family" is a place where you feel loved, appreciated, and nurtured. Maybe your siblings can not be your "family" right now but they may come around. Put your arms around your husband and children and focus on yourselves for awhile. Your mom will be fine! We are all thinking about you.

Helpful Answer (7)

Matthew, you sure barked up the wrong tree, coming here and proselytizing like this. The God I worship is a kind and merciful God and knows your heart better than you know it yourself. When you take your marriage vows, you CLEARLY say that you will forsake ALL OTHERS. Your husband comes before anyone and anything else and vice versa. Try to keep in mind as well that not everyone has caring and loving parents, either. Though you may not know this or possibly relate to it, there are some parents who have abused their children verbally, physically, for their whole lives, and separated themselves from their children. As another poster said on another topic, the only obligation you have as a child is to provide in the case of destitution. You do what you can, but you still keep your own spouse and children first. There are situations that prevent even the most well-meaning child to take in and care for a parent or parents. Try to remember that and practice true Christianity. We NEVER sit in judgment on this site NOR do we ever boast about how superior we are because of taking care of a parent.

Helpful Answer (7)

Chimonger, I can't even believe your sister did not appreciate your candor and concern. She should have thanked you instead of getting angry and hanging up. You are so right--things do not change, and in some cases that "sweetness'' is just a facade, that is used to manipulate. If they were miserable young people, they will be miserable old people, with infirmities added into the mix-making it go from the ridiculous to the sublime.

Helpful Answer (7)

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Husband wants mom out. Is this normal? Should I be understanding of him?

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