How do I tell my mom I can't handle her in my home any longer and that it's time for an ALF?

My mother has moved in with us, and it can be very frustrating. One sibling is full of advice, but short on real help. I feel like I can't relax in my own home. Wrote emails to my children promising to move into AL when the time comes I cannot live on my own. Told them to save it.

My biggest complaint is actually with my sister who actually works from home, in another state of course! she always makes it sound like she knows and understands what me and my family are going through, but only agrees with me on my moms future after she has spent some time with her. She was totally against the idea of an ALF, said that she would take her, quit her job in necessary to care for her. Our mother would never go into a facility! Well, she spent some quality time with her this summer, 3 weeks while I was away. Her tune changed to maybe you are right, and I think an ALF with activities for mom would be a good idea. she went home and has detached herself from the situation again, and now she is having issues with the direction I am taking. It is so frustrating!

I have the same issue with my siblings. They would rather Mother just sit in front of their TV 16 hours a day with no interaction with other people. I just do not understand their being so selfish. We've had her for 2 years and I am physically not able to do this much longer or I will be needing a caregiver.

Your Mother sounds very positive about the move and that is what your siblings should accept. It is her life and she should do what is best now before someone else really has to make that decision for her in the future.

You are absolutely right, it is guilt that causes alot of the problems within the sibling group. Mine handle with mean remarks directed at my family. Mother says they are just teasing but this is teasing as I've never known. Good luck and God bless!

On another note....siblings! Two of my four older siblings are not totally on board with the idea of an ALF for mom, guilty that they are not in a position to take her off of my hands. They aren't seeing the fact that she will be happier and much more active in an good ALF than she can ever be in either of our homes.

Update: The visit to the neurologist was a waste of time. She proved to me that I was right in always feeling she had no bedside manner whatsoever! She brought up the subject, but in a totally wrong manner! I thought my mom would flip, but luckily she didn't grasp what she was getting to.
Nancy, I did take your advice and talk to her the other day when we were alone. To my delight, she thinks it is a great idea and I am scheduling some visits for later this week. She realizes what is happening in our relationship and is going to try her best to adapt to the change. She was optimistic about all of the activites that would be at her doorstep so to speak! :)

Good luck! It sounds like the best solution all around.I pray that the visit with the neurologist goes well today. Let us know what happens. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Thanks to both of you for answering! Nancy, that is probalby a really good way to approach it, the right moment just has not presented itself yet! Sunflo, that is the track that I have been on, not had the chance to bring her out to an event yet, but I have visited a facilty alone. Today we are seeing her Neurologist and I have her on board to help introduce the subject. Thanks again for your support and prayers!

Good advice NancyH. Maybe visit one of the facilities alone (and get the lay of the land); discuss your situation with the Director and see if they are planning an activity soon; social event, luncheon where you can visit with your mom and attend one of the events together. They know how to have these conversations with your mom as well. Good luck and I pray that it works out for you and your mom.

Can the two of you sit down and have a heart to heart talk? Can you look her in the eyes and tell her how much you love her, and want only the best for HER. Tell her that it's killing you to see her lonely while you're working, and also that you don't want to ruin the relationship you have with her. And because of that, you think it's time to seriously consider assisted living. Ask her if she'll visit one with you and tell you what she thinks about it. I don't know, that's all I've got. Sorry.♥