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whispypixie Asked September 2012

Dad thinks we are out to get our sibling - his youngest daughter, when she is manipulating his living situation. What do we do?

My father, who has dimentia, was living with me for the last 2 years and my health took a nose dive. With the help of my two older siblings, we were able to get him into a very nice independent living facility so we can both get better care. He has been there 3 months and our youngest sister has been trying to squat there in secret. She just got evicted from her residence as of noon on Tuesday and the property is now bank owned.
I have had POA for the last 4 years and have not had to use it up to this point. Management at the facility called me and we had a long four hour meeting about what is and is not acceptable for guests and visitors. My sister tried every manipulative tactic she has learned on the streets and my dad doesn't think allowing her to live with him in a studio apartment, rent free at a retirement community is wrong! By the end of the meeting, my sister understood very clearly what the rules were, but was clearly not happy about them and was not happy about being confronted regarding her wrong doings.
After a huge upseting, emotional day my dad thinks everyone, including the staff at the facility he lives at, is out to get our sister (who, in his opinion, has done nothing wrong). When he moved in, he loved the place and couldn't believe he'd be able to live in such a nice facility. Now he wants to bolt, like a five year old with a knap sack on his shoulder, and move out. He is angry with all of us and I'm worried he might act in haste.
How do I know when it is time to move him to a higher level assisted living/ memory care/ alzheimers facility? How do I do that if he doesn't want to go? How do I utilize the power of attorney that I have so that he is not a threat to himself because of paranoia? How do I show him that we will not keep his youngest daughter away from him?
I've assured dad that youngest sister is not banned from the facility and she won't be as long as she follows the rules. He doesn't believe me and the emotions that are tied in with this whole situation are wringing me dry. I have my older sister's support and she is listed secondary on the POA, I just don't know how to protect my dad from my sister and I don't know how to protect him from himself.
Please help, my anxiety is through the roof and my guilt is sky rocketing. I sure am grateful for this online forum and appreciate any and all comments.

8 Answers

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whispypixie Sep 2012
The plan for dad when he can no longer manage independent living is to move him to another facility that does have memory/alzheimer care. Unfortunatly where he is living now does not offer any of those services. He is receiving income from social security retirement and disability and we are waiting for VA aid & attendance to come through. I honestly don't know if he can afford private pay indefinitely. I don't know what will happen to social security or VA pension money from the government. He has the funding now to pay for private but I want to hold off as long as possible because I don't want to needlessly spend the money now when he will need it later. Such hard decisions! Consulting an attorney - that is my next move for sure. After that, medicaid, I think....
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jeannegibbs Sep 2012
I think a key component here is how competent your dad is. I have no idea if "boarderline deficient range of intellectual capacity" would translate to "legally incompetent", but an elder law attorney would know. Dementia progresses. If Dad is getting worse, then even if that evaluation in May isn't sufficient for you to act against his will (in his best interest, of course) it may be that a current evaluation would change that.

What is the plan for when Dad can no longer manage independent living? Does the community he is in have assisted living memory care units? What is the state of Dad's finances? Can he afford private pay indefinitely, or is he likely to need to apply for Medicaid at some point in the future? Guarding his assets for his own use is certainly one of your duties as POA.

Sorry to say, consulting an elder law attorney sounds like a good move.
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cdo4fun Sep 2012
No problem glad I could offer something useful. Unfortunately life diffrent come with instructions, and I sure didn"t get the memo about how difficult it was going to be taking care of our parents when they no longer can. My biggest mystery is how we can have the same blood running thru our veins as our siblings and not even no what happened to them. Call an Atty. tommorow.
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whispypixie Sep 2012
cdo4fun thank you so much for your responses. They really have helped me. You are right, it always does come down to the money. I think you are very correct in that I should speak with a specialized attorney. I don't trust my siblings any further than I can throw them and that is without money involvement. I'm sorry that happened with your brother. I appreciate you sharing it with me so I could draw experience from it. Hugs and appreciation to you!
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cdo4fun Sep 2012
You really need to talk to a Elder Attourney. They specialize in only these crazy situations. You need to know your situation is pretty much iron clad. Your power of attorney, the will, property, medical power of attorney. You will need all of these things, if your dad does pass away you will end up in probate court fighting it all out. My brother made himself poa then signed all of the propertys over in his name and my dad didnt have a will so there wasnt much we could do about it it was a nitemare. He took everything the only thing he didnt was the mortgage co caught that there was 3 more siblings when they were giving the new homeowner the loan. And had to have everyones signature to sell the house so he had to split that 4 ways. I signed off on it but now i wish I would of thru him in jail. But life is too short to be bitter, he's an ass and hasnt spoken or cared about how my mother for over 20 years. i have no doubt he will show up if he ever reads an obituary. Get your ducks in a row , it gets nasty and it always comes down to the money.
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whispypixie Sep 2012
cdo4fun: If I already have paperwork from the VA stating that my dad is "boarderline defiient range of intellectual capacity" based on his neuropsychological exam in May of this year, if he does sign anything over to her, would it hold up in court or litigation? Do you know? Or do you think they would rule that he was incompetent to sign an agreement? I know these are tough questions, I appreciate your insight very much! Realistically I can't be there every time she is there and she is extremely sneaky and manipulative. What did your brother do and how did you resolve it, if you resolved it?
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whispypixie Sep 2012
If I already have paperwork from the VA stating that my dad is "boarderline defiient range of intellectual capacity" based on his neuropsychological exam in May of this year, if he does sign anything over to her, would it hold up in court or litigation? Do you know? Or do you think they would rule that he was incompetent to sign an agreement? I know these are tough questions, I appreciate your insight very much! Realistically I can't be there every time she is there and she is extremely sneaky and manipulative. What did your brother do and how did you resolve it, if you resolved it?
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C
cdo4fun Sep 2012
You need to talk to the Social worker at the facilty. They can guide you thru the process of knowing what level of care he should be recieving and his doctors can ok the transfers. Your squatter sister might have put a seed in his head that they could get a place together and thats why he wants to bolt. You can talk to the facility about the access your sister has there. Maybe you can coincide your visits to certain times, and it might be a good idea to be there when she is there just to monitor what is being said and done, you don't want to be in a situation of her having him sign anything over to her. My brother did that with my dad. You do have poa you can have the facility ban her from the property if need be. You can tell your dad it was their legal right she violated the rules and get it off your back. You can have your dad declared incapable of making decisions of where he should be. These are harsh decisions, but sometimes it has to be done. It's in your dads best interest and yours too.
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