Mom has lived with me for 2 1/2 years, and until very recently, I had not seen her bank account--my sister managed moms money. Sister recently told me she wanted out and is turning everything over to me, and for me to care for mom how I see best, and she will no longer interfere. (More to that part of the story later). That day (July 17th) was a breakthrough in an enormous struggle between caring for my mother, and my sisters remote-managing our personal lives . Or so I thought....
Sis has held moms bank account for years. I have mom in my home. Sis tried micro-managing our household through moms money, claiming I'd blow it if she didn't, so to keep the peace for moms sake, I kept quiet and let her. We cared for Mom and she had no expenses here.
Sis took thousands over time and set them in a separate account. Mom was my priority and we managed without the use of her Soc. Sec.
Sis only saw mom on occasion for driving her to doc appointments and an afternoon out. Maybe once a month, but one day they stopped at a nursing home and went in. Mom got excited that she'd have all those fun activities and people all around to talk to, so she wanted to go in! The staff told my sister it was the first time they had ever seen anyone who wanted to go to a nursing home! So I cried so much pain when I heard the news.....and kept it to myself. Mom thought she was in hog heaven! And she was relieeved she would no longer be a burden to me...(which she was not, but in her mind, she was).
She went in and I hated my sister for doing that. It was wrong Mom did not belong there.
On the 4th week in the nursing home, my sister called me, expessed how exasperated she was having to run and do things for mom. (I cannot drive, I am legally blind) and she said she was near her wits end. I told her mom never neede3d to go, she can come home any time.
Sis called again two days later--this time so upset she was crying, telling me she has had it! She just can't take the running any longer and it is stressing her so bad she was going to have a nervous breakdown! Then she said to me "I thought if I put Mom in the nursing home I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore!" God as my witness. Hubby heard too.
That did it. I told her mom ws coming home.
I went straight to the Nuring home, told the staff what just happened and started to unravel Mom from the process and get her home. It was gonna be a few days. In the meantime, my sis had applied for Medicaid for Mom, and it was still in the decision process.
Sis emailed me and told me she was turning all moms finances over to me. She was done. She brought all moms personal papaers and documents over. She had these since she paid moms bills and managed her money. She told me I could just take care of Mom as I saw fit and do whatever it took to appease her. Whew, what a relief! This was one happy household when Mom came back home and we were hopefully going to be at peace noww instead of sis butting in and meddling. (What I mean by that is if we used moms debit card for anything, we had to account for it. If she thought we were using it too much, she'd have a cow. She left Mom just a couple hundred dollars in her account each month to get her personal thigs, and she wanted to know where it was spent).
On July 24th, I saw moms account for the first time. I could see back about a year and a half, and money was being moved into sis's personal account. Sis admitted she put mom's money is a separate account (about 7,500.00 to 8,000.00), for safe keeping--in the event Mom "needed something''. But I see over 11,000.00 moved in those months. She said she wants to keep Moms money that she saved for her. She refuses to let me, moms long-time caregiver and now agent for POA, have access to it, yet wants nothing to do with our mother.
When I asked to see this money and its where-abouts, she became extremely irrate, drove over here to my home, told me there was no way in hell I was getting my hands on that money and screamed FU in my face-then punched me. All I wanted was to see it! I had never ever seen her behave like that before!!!! I was shocked. A police report was made and she is barred from this home now.
I told mom..I had to.
It is my desire to continue to provide moms care, without hindrance from another who feels compelled to set our mothers money aside for 'whatever mom needs". I too feel the same, however I see a misguided sense of 'responsibility' in this case. There are many issues that play into this (as you can imagine), and know that these things can and do run deep. (Jealousy, control issues, depression)
Also, Mom has since qualified for Medicaid. I want to tell them what is going on, that sis has stashed moms cash for 'her needs'. whatever that means.
Attorneys won't touch this with a 10 foot pole. It's stupid. It is Moms money. Not hers to keep hidden.
I have contacted Elder Affairs, have not heard anything from them yet. HELP!
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Well, nearly 6 months later, and after requesting asstance and getting it, this issue is finally over! Sis returned Moms money to her account yesterday.
None of us here have heard a peep from her. But she did the right thing. The Elder Advocte for central FL mediated the whole thing and did a fine job. To Community Legal Services of Central Florida, I give my thanks and much appreciation.
Now comes the second phase. Sis got Mom qualified for Medicaid right before I took over moms finances and became DPOA. She did that when she put Mom in the nursing home. Mom was in one month before sissy gave it all up and didn't want anything more to do with mom....and that is when I brought her back home. She is still on Medicaid and now that the money is returned as it should be, I am in a quandry as to handle all this so Mom does not lose her Medicaid. Or should I just end it? Mom really does not NEED Medicaid, however if she she should ever need to go to a nursing home, the money that was returned will be in question. I will be taking care of mom -pre-needs...if you kow what I eman, but there will be some left over that will still disqualify her should she need Medicaid.
I have had mom here almost three years bow, and the last two I have covered all her living costs and do not charge or make her pay anything. Now I understand from researching that if I don't, she may be disqualified anyway cos she has no expenses!
I don't get it: she gets 1286.00 a month, Medicaid can still deny her nursing home coverage because she has too much money.
I don't feel right about all this and I should feel like a load has been lifted...but I don't. It feels even heavier and for the life of me I can't shake the feeling. That darn money sissy took and finally returned is a PITA and poor Mom can't even do what she wants with it cos now Medicaid will question whatever she does with it.
Okay. Stick me with a fork. I'm Done.
Anyway, I like to dream and see things through her eyes. She thinks I am too concerned about her and need a life. Well, I do...but right now she is priority in it. These days are numbered. I can't get them back once gone! My sisters, neither of them, see Mom the way I do. I see love. They see demanding and ungrateful. They see hard work. I see sharing and watching over each other. You get what you give and that just drives my sisters crazy. No wonder they are bitter. I can't help it if they can't get along with Mom they way I do, and accuse me of things they are. I believe sissy is so resentful that I have a great relationship with mom she wants me to hurt like her. When all she has to do is love Mom like I do. Its so simple. I'm rambling. GNite
We could sue if we have to. Does it really have to go that far?
Suzmarie, no way could I be 'mad' at you! I know you emant well and you are so full of good its awesome!
Mom should NOT be even on Medicaid...but how can I undo all this and then what would happen if she really DID need to go to a nursing home one day.....
My sister thrives on making things tangled and complicated...she is a master at it.
I would suggest that you put the money in her account and fill out the form that Medicaid has for just this purpose, informing them that she has more than 2,000 (Texas) in her account. We did this as soon as his account reached that amount after he returned to work.
They will let you know if anything changes in her Medicaid status. It doesn't sound like there is any reason for you to hurry and spend down her money. While I am sure it could be different for elderly people, Medicaid statuses are generally requalified on a 12 month basis. The change may affect her status for the next year's qualifying.
Sounds like your mom can look forward to many happy years in your home. Always nice for her to have a little nest egg in case she does want additional furniture for her bedroom!
It is tempting to tell her to stick it somehwere and be done with it. This whole thing has been sooo stressful to me and Mom and my poor hubby who sees it all. But if I let this go, then I am letting my thief/liar sister get away with stealing.
Don't get confused! So sorry you did! Mom only qualifies for medicaid for her medical stuff and does not get checks. When sissy put her in the nursing home last summer, she made application to Medicaid to get mom on so it would pay for her nursing home. Remember, I got Mom back home after a month...sissy didn't like having to make trips to the NH to run errands for her and was upset about that. I got Mom out! They had been telling her she really didn't need to be in there anyway.
She has her SS and that is all. I have DPOA as of this past July and that is when I saw into Moms bank account for the first time. That is when I saw how month after month sissy transfered money from moms account to her own. She ahd been paying her bills and handling all the finacial end of things. I had the caretaking part. I never saw the financial end of things until after Mom came home from NH and I got DPOA. That was just July.
Mom doesn't need Medicaid any more thn she needed to go in the nursing home. That was a POWER PLAY by sissy. Not only did sissy take Moms money and put it 'away', she somehow qualified Mom for Medicaid so her NH bill would be paid, and Mom is still on Meidcaid for Medical. So what happens if Sissy DOES give the money back? I have to do a fast spend down, or it has to get paid back to Medicaid. Frankly, Medicaid probably deserves it back! But dangit, this all should have never ever taken place.
My sister is very self centered--a control freak is keeping it mild. I told the APS gentleman that she was very intimidating. I think after talking to her he can see she is a few bricks for of anything close to congenial.
Your mom's social security checks should also be coming to your address. You just need to advise them of an address change. U will probably have to provide some documents, like poa etc. How r u suppose to pay mom's bills etc if the checks are going to your sister?
Please have medicaid ad SS checks sent to your house asap. I always think of you and all that you are going through. Thanks for the recent update.
Just a quick note to say I have not heard a peep from my sis since last August when she decked me for asking about the money she took from Moms account. BUT you'll LOVE this ....
Last week, on the 26th of November I got a call from my Elder Advocate Gentleman. He had been trying to get hold of my sister (the one who took money from mom and put in her own account) but he was not getting a response. He wanted to know if I had heard anything or had any news...and he was actually hoping things were leveling out and had gotten better. Nope. No news and nothing heard from her either. I hadn't made any attempts to contact her either as she has my emails blocked and won't answer her phone.
As I was speaking with him, he interrupts and says, "oh wait, guess who's calling me? Your sister is calling me now...can I call you back?" Of course, and we hung up. About that same time, my hubby comes in with the mail. In it is a letter to Mom from my sister. I took it to her and let her open and read it, and I returned to my room. I'd see the letter later, right now I needed to hear from Mr. B.
10 minutes later Mr B calls back...."Your sister has some concerns and I think we need to address these issues...when can I come see you?" I told him when whenever he wanted, that afternoon if he wanted to. I asked why, what was up? "You sister seems to think your mother is not happy there, and that she is not being taken care of and wishes to move to an ALF". I said, "Come on over, I am not going anywhere."
I went in to see Mom over in her room, told her Mr. B was coming over. She handed me the letter from sissy. I read it and took it with a grain of salt---if only it were true!!!!
The letter expressed how much she missed mom--talked about all the fun they used to have going shopping and out to eat and just sitting in parks and such. She wanted to see her! Thats not such a bad thing...since all that is true....and I'd never stand between my sis and her mom--my mom--our mom, had she not decked me in the jaw for asking about the money she stole from Moms account and have a police report on her...nor would I stand between her and mom if she hadn't blatantly lied outright to Mr. B, compelling him to drive 50 miles to see to if mom was indeed miserable and unhappy and not cared for . He had to find out for himself if Mom wanted to live here, or in ALF. . She really made an idiot of herself...again.
It was soooo strange...how all that happened at the same time--the same morning!. Mr B calling and her letter arriving....truth is stranger than fiction sometimes. Makes ya wonder....
Mr. B arrives about an hour and a half later, at which time he is led straight to Mom. Mom is sitting in her favorite spot watching Bird Theater outside her window, and a pleasant look on her face. I asked Mr. B if he wanted me to disappear so he could talk to Mom, and he said yes. I did.
About 45 minutes later I return and join the two of them who are giggling and being content to just talk together. The three of us chatted for another two hours! The claims sissy made were completely unfounded. He had read the letter that had just arrived from sissy. He talked to Mom about the money sissy took. he asked her if she wanted it back. She told him yes, so he picked up his cell phone and called sissy right there on the spot. He put Mom on the phone with her. He told Mom, "If you want your money back, then all ya gotta do is tell your daughter to return it." Mom looked bewildered, a bit taken aback...but she heard sissy's voice. Her own cracked as she said "Hello, XXX, you know that money you took from my account....?" I could hear sissy say yeah,.... "I'd like it back". Her voice cracked again. Sissy probably thought mom was being made to say that. Like she was under duress. I imagine it had to be very painful that she'd even have to be asking for her own money to be given back. That would suck.
Mom told her one more time she'd like her money back and sissy said she would give it back. She then put Mr. B on the phone. Mr. B explained to sissy that the money she took is Moms, and that Mom is asking for it back. He also explained that he was looking at Mom, had spent considerable time talking with her, checked things out and all her allegations about mom were unfounded and not true. He told sissy that mom did not want to live in an ALF and was very happy there and it was evident she was well cared for. I could hear my sisters voice rising as he told Mr B that I spend all my mom's money and that if she gives all that money back, then I will just blow it. He asked her what does she mean by blowing it..how does XXX spend your mothers money that is wrong? Sissy told him I go to Walmart alot and I bought a new bed and a bunch of stuff for her room...and that I am not to be trusted and am evil. He looked a little bewildered. He brushed it all off and told her he'd call when he had the account info for Sissy to return the money to Mom. She said okay. Click.
That was a week ago. I just sent Mr. B the account info yesterday. I had waited and wanted to do some research because this money issue is a real PITA. Remember Sissy got Mom qualified for Medicaid? You know where this is going, don't you? Now what? Siiiigh. This has been so exasperating. I spent hours and hours poring over information both here o this site and others to locate a solution. If...and when moms money does get returned it needs to get spent down asap, which is okay. For al I care Mom does not even need Medicaid, but she may one day inwhich time I have to explain how that big fat lump sum got deposited in her account.
Mom? She is just happy to 'be'. She wants all the stupid pettiness to end and for us girls to stop fighting. That's good...me too. I didn't pick this fight or start it. I am just ready for some resolve.
Thats that...for now.
I didn't mean to rant. I don't know you but I am so proud of what you are doing!!!! i do hope you will continue to keep me/us posted. I would like very much to see a favorable outcome for you and your mom.
I would like to have you reconsider the piece about donating to charity...don't make any rash decisions. I believe you could accept any inheritance and then put in your will to leave it to charity. You have given so much to your mom you deserve to be paid in some way for your dedication to her. I know having a parent living with you is not cheap. I spent over 30k on my mom over a 2 year period. I more or less knew at the onset there would probably never be any money for me but that was ok.
My sister took 32k of moms money when mom was a stage 4 or 5 for cars for her kids; my mom's trust reads that i should get 32k when she dies plus 20k for taking care of her but there is no money left for her to leave me. Mom is on medicaid now. My heart believes in integrity and protecting not only our children (I have none) but also our parents.
Just a small added note; my poor mom took her car in for an oil change at jiffy lube many years ago. 700 dollars later.....my sister laughed at how stupid my mom was...i got on the phone. the district attorney in mom's county took the case and mom ended up getting all of her money back and there was a class action suit against jiffy lube. I am a fighter of justice like you. If you prefer to update me privately i will click on your name and see if i can leave you my email privately. Thinking of you.
For not wanting anything to do with Mom she sure wants that money. I think me and Mom will sit down and have her will drawn up, and everything left over will go to a charity. Not children. Not even me.
I won't know more until next week, maybe id October.