How do you handle a parent in denial of their incurable disease?

Katem, I respect that you mean to respect your mother's wishes - her telling you early on that she would never want to be told if she were seriously ill. It's just that two things occur to me:

1. What if she's changed her mind now that she knows something is wrong, but she doesn't know what it is?
2. What if this is interfering with and perhaps undermining her treatment? The symptoms of CHF can mostly be quite well controlled, but she'd have to know what to report and what to ask about. I can't see how she can do it if she's not aware of her own condition - but perhaps you didn't mean that she's literally in denial?

Kate it sounds like you're doing the very best you can. No reason to be so hard on yourself. We all do what we can do. Your mom has put you in a difficult position if she doesn't want to know the truth. You're doing just fine...but you must take care of yourself first. That's the first rule of caregiving. Come here often, we understand. {{{Hugs}}}

Im sorry to go into another post. Am new here. My mother needs the city to come in every day. This happened once after a fall and she hated it. She is refusing it now. If I could go there and do it myself, I would. But I am unable to do it.

My mother has congestive heart failure and it is getting really bad now. She is in complete denial despite the symptoms, the falls, and now she has very early dementia. She had always told me when she was young that she would never want to be told if she was very ill, and so, this is what my brothers and I have done. I lie and I lie and I lie. Each symptom, each fall, each hospitalization and I have to lie. She keeps asking me when she is going to get better? When is she going to stop being so exhausted (we are talking exhaustion to the point of being in bed most of the time and being homebound now). Sometimes, I am able to convince her that she will get better; sometimes she just gets angry and tells me that I don't understand. It's hard, but it's harder on her. I know that. I hate all of this and I get angry at times and then I feel guilty. My brothers don't listen to her. One is in denial himself and totally cannot deal; the other just won't talk. That leaves me alone in my grief. Is anyone in my position. What do you tell your parent? She is 87 years old so once I told her that at this age it is normal to be this tired (this is another lie). I feel so sick over all of this and am depressed myself. My doctor has told me I am already grieving what is going to happen. Am I nuts? I am not a great caregiver as my own health is poor. I do manage to get food to her, money, and pay for a woman to come in and clean once a week. My brother takes care of doctor's appointements. I order depends and clothing needs online. I feel guilty all the time that I am not at her house every day taking care of her but my own health does not permit.
Thank you.

Cdo4fun, I appreciate the input, I tried Hospice care, she is in a facility, she HAS to allow them in, she flat out threw a fit and screamed it was "for dying people and I am NOT dying!"

I am sorry, my mom is correct. I do not like her.

At this point, IS it really worth it or matter that she understands she is so sick. Just let her believe what she wants it's her way of dealing with it, we all have our own way. Get hospice in there, tell her they are just people coming in to visit and ensuring that she is getting the right care to get better. She doesn't need to know their employer. This will give you a break and she will be receiving the best care in the world. Hospice will blow you away the people they hire, see this everyday and can cope and deal with the situation in the kindest most humane way, I have ever seen. You might be surprised how diffrently your mother will be with them if they are there and keep coming regularly and realizing this is not negotiable. It will be an adjustment for both of you. I am considering doing this as well, i think you can qualify even without a life threatening illness under the guidelines of Failure to thrive. My mother like yours will be throwing an absolute fit because she only wants me here, that's it. But sometimes, you have to be the parent and just let them throw a fit like we used too. I wish you well and hope you can find some peace soon.

Mother is 88 cannot walk even with walker, totally incontinent and can only feed herself. She explains to anyone this is temporary and she will be able to go home and live alone again as soon as the doctors give her the right medicine. Her mind is sharp but she is in total denial as to her medical issues and won't talk about it. This has been going on for 4 years. Makes it very difficult and has given me a totally new outlook as to how I want to be cared for when my time comes to exit this world.

I know what you mean, my mom only wants me when she is really, really low. I think of it as a compliment in a way, but I also feel completely exhausted. Just want you to know you are not alone and am saying a prayer for you... My mom loves compliments too. You are a very, very good person and for the rest of your life you will be a peace for being so good to her.