My mom is in a nursing home near where she lives. Her husband/my father died suddenly 2 weeks ago. My husband and I want to move her to a nursing home closer to us (she's in PA now, we want to move her to Georgia). She can't walk but she uses a wheelchair. She does get carsick but I'm hoping the doc can give her some medication for that. We want to make the trip in one 10-12 hour drive but neither my husband nor myself can do that long a drive in one day.
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While it's easier for some families to move their elder nearer to them, it's not always a good idea for the elder, and it could result in unfortunate episodes in so many ways.
Please assess the risk: benefit ratio.
Elders complain they cannot stand their facility anymore, ALL.THE.TIME. What they are Probably doing, is complaining because they feel their lives closing in on them; suffered many harsh losses. What they are really trying to escape, is that they are losing their abilities to function, lost home, lost autonomy...they cannot get those back by moving to a new facility, nor by begging relatives to keep them at their homes.
IF the elder is Appropriately, Safely Housed in a Facility, due to their diminishing capacities; and, care is decent, often they need repeatedly reassured that is the best place for them; just stop promising them what is not realistic to promise!
Each case is different, and needs to be really well-assessed, before deciding.
For instance:
A relative's siblings have made her life misery for decades.
NOW, her siblings, via a lawyer [they won't speak with her--probably a good thing].. are trying to corner her into taking their Mom into her house [without adequate POA's--they don't want to give those up], to do 24/7 care, instead of keeping Mommy at the very nice Assisted Living she's in [it also has capability to move clients into increasingly higher-care levels--a good item].
Mommy is pushing 90, a bit ditzy, has increasingly more worse moments. Just had a fall w/broken wrist.
The lawyer even just told this Relative, after she'd told him "no", to [while she's out of state working]... "just go online to find a new facility for Mommy closer to your house"; then, "Mommy's estate can pay to fix your house and hire in-home care while you are away".
Mommy's been insisting she cannot stand to stay in that facility.
She's already been moved to 4 different ones in less than 2 years, declining a bit more each time. Pretty sure she was extremely demanding about being moved each time, and the siblings caved-in and arranged it--the woman has always been pretty formidable!
This Relative is herself an elder. Her only real source of much-needed income, is from taking jobs that work one or two months at a time, then no work for many months, always far from home. This intermittent work has been preventing her from becoming homeless.
Once Mommy dies, even if Mommy's estate pays for her care/fixing at her house, would leave this relative destitute upon death of Mommy, and, no way for her to return to doing that work.
She's got her own health issues, a too-small house badly configured; NOT Accessible [not ADA safe]. It'd cost many thou$and$ to fix everything.
After years of kicking this relative to the curb, and preventing her participating in family stuff, and promising to take care of Mommy, the Siblings now say they don't want Mommy in their homes...reasons.
Sister promised to build a MIL cottage in her back yard--got initial permits, but stalled..for several years now. Deliberately. And has her own health issues.
Brother says his hands are full; kids, work, health.
Sister now announced she's moving out of state, and wants this Relative to take Mommy into her house.
Relative is in NO position to do that, even with in-home helpers!
More weird sibling games afoot, make it even a worse idea.
But Relative says she'd really like to do it [heart's in the right place].
I advised her, "look at patterns of borderline-elder abuse her family has played on [her] for years...what if Mommy had a mishap at her house...they'd be all over her in the worst ways". And, "How might she feel if those siblings, who have long-refused to let her into their homes, now demand to be allowed into this relative's home, even when she's not at home?"
And, they refuse to give up their POA's, so this relative would have no way to legally do anything but call 911.
Ungood.
Yet, this relative sounds like she's starting to cave-in to the pressure...
The siblings and their lawyer are pushing this on her while she's out-of-state working, too.
It can only be a bad trip, in every way, for their Mom, who is otherwise perfectly decently cared for at her current facility.
But it also sounds like her kids all fear to simply tell Mommy, "Mom, you really are in the safest place where yo hare right now, and close to people and things you like to see and do; if you moved again, there's no telling what kind of situation you'd land in, and be stuck in that."
Sometimes, elders need a bit of reality check; it's so very hard! And so do potential caregivers!
I moved my mom who has Dementia from a Missouri nursing home to Surprise, AZ to be close to me and make sure she is being well taken care of.
Why does your Mom-in-law want to move her Mom back home? And like Babalou above had written, does she have at several shifts of professional caregivers lined up to help? Is her house set up like a nursing home? If not, and Mom isn't mobile, can Mom-in-law carry her from bed to bathroom, etc? With Alzheimer's there are different stages. Mom-in-law might find herself trying to live on 2 or 3 hours a sleep per day. I hope there is a really really good reason to make this move.
Moving dementia patients out of a familiar environment invariably leads to decline.
Why ever would your mil want to move her mother BACK HOME? Has she got three shifts of caregivers lined up? Has grandma got the funds to do that.?
If this is a question of distance, better to get a geriatric care manager involved where grandma is to handle emergencies. The time to move grandma was when she was first diagnosed.
If you need free advice we are here to help you. Hope this is helpful information.
He had always been mentally impaired, but was pretty bad off, plus taking serious meds. On O2. Mom begged me to move them from CA to WA--begged and pleaded.
'Stupid' here, lacking better information, said I would help her do that, and make space in our tiny place for them, and help him be hospiced at our place. They had nothing else --at that time--, and had been living very poorly, unsupervised. I loved Mom, and supported her chice of partner, and dearly wanted them to have what they wanted, if it was in my ability to get it for them. [[such a sucker!!]]
Solution?
I rented a camper van, tucked him in the double bed at the back, near the potty, and set up his O2 and a plastic tub for him to spew in--plenty towels and extra bedding, bed protectors, etc.
Mom was in charge of keeping him placid during the trip of about 1400 miles--it worked mostly--but sometimes I had to pull over to help with his needs.
He was nauseated / retching often [despite meds to prevent that],
and quite disoriented--which stimmed him to get up, behave oddly, try to use the sink as a potty, wander and ramble, pee the bed, etc...
...fun ride!
But we had plenty old-fashioned O2 tanks [cheaper, and OK one-way trip] [O2converters do not rent 1-way], thanks to an arranged prescription from a Doc in WA, who called the order to a Medical Supply near our starting point, as well as meds left over from Hospice where they had been.
It was not perfect, but, it allowed him to lie down--a critically important provision for a frail person.
Mom could also lie down as needed, or get up and move about the rig--though she mostly sat in the passenger seat, nervous as the dickens because she was not driving/in control [nor could she--she had not driven in years!].
When we arrived at our destination,
we got the contact person for the medical supplies here to help connect with hospice, and medical supplies / services needed.
He lasted another 3 months, instead of dying that first weekend, with a view to the yard, and Mom near him, and some "quality" of life.
It was very challenging to arrange, but it worked.
It cost several thou$and, for costs of the 1-way rental camper, fuel, supplies, getting them set up, provider contacts, etc..
The drive was grueling, and included patient care, and Mom care.
I had to stop to rest, too, and still get up during that sleep time, to do patient care.
Having facilities in the rig was a God-send!
Driving a camper rig in strong wind gusts is no picnic.
Having Mom as my "co-pilot" : "priceless" ?!
A regular van without bed, means an elder can only travel for a couple hours, then they must be gotten out to be moved around for a time, taken to the bathroom, cleaned up, shifted about, massaged, and reinstalled in the vehicle, to prevent sores, clots, breathing issues, swellings, etc.
Frail persons, particularly those in a wheelchair, cannot tolerate a "straight through" 10 to 12 hour drive, without some worsening of health issues.
There WILL be increased confusion of the elder's mental state, no matter what--moving an elder almost guarantees worsening of confusion /dementias, which may or not be permanent changes, at least to some degree.
Using a service that facilitates a trip like this, really helps,
but you can arrange things on your own
--you just need to tailor it to the needs of your elder.
Oxygen, fluids, food, meds, movement, sleep arrangement, turning, clean-ups, potty--all that must be covered.
You need a Doc/provider in your target State to write prescriptions for meds, O2 , equipment needed, and the prescriptions need worded in forms that can be moved across State Lines.
Make it as low-tech as you can, as the orders are easier that way.
NOT all equipment can be transported across State Lines by individuals.
RENTAL vehicle vendors will NOT --knowingly-- allow you to transport a frail person using O2--at least it was against the rules when I did it....
You need to choose what you are willing to deal with, and figure a way that works for you, IF you choose to go through with this move.
IF we had used a service [as if those existed then...] it would have cost significantly more than it did.
Your decision needs to be gauged to your Mom's real conditions.
ASK her providers how well she might tolerate a move to your home area.
ASK if there are services that can facilitate this for you, to reduce your stress over it.
Be aware: a professional move might require using a long-distance transport ambulance with at least 2 professional personnel on-board --which will cost dearly, as for them and that vehicle, it is a round-trip.
I essentially provided that service for my family, by doing what I knew how to do, and by crossing a few boundaries [like the O2 tanks in a rental] which I was comfortable and knowledgeable about doing.
Mom and my sibs got my professional services for free for that trip, and for the next 6 years--gratis [though they didn't see it that way].
IF you have sibs who might become a problem by changing their minds, or suckering for Mom's accusations later, you might want to think twice about doing this move for Mom yourselves.
Does she really want it?
Does she need it?
Or do you mostly need it?
If it is mostly for your convenience,
and she is otherwise doing well where she is,
please balance her current level of comfort and quality of life, against the potential issues that can be caused by moving her to another facility.
I would give yourselves more time to do a trip that long. You also want to be aware of the potential of your mom developing pressure sores and blood clots from sitting too long. She needs to be able to shift her weight and do leg exercises while sitting in the car to help keep the blood circulating. It is also important to take frequent breaks (possibly every 2 or 3 hours) and make sure she is well hydrated. I would even seriously consider making it a two day trip and stop overnight somewhere at a hotel which has good handicap rooms.
We rented a get away handicap assessible mini van which had room up front to put the wheelchair on the passenger side because we could not get my mom in and out of the car anymore. She also had a reclining wheelchair which helped some, too.
You also need to know that transporting someone is very taxing on you. It is emotionally and physically draining. So definitely take care of yourself too. I wish you, your mom, and your husband the best.