As a new user, I did that prior post incorrectly. I erroneously posted it as an answer to the FIL post instead of as a new discussion. Sorry. Will do better. : ) My real question in all my venting is: is my mom just being manipulative or is she really that 'out there'? That is what eats at me. I would do anything for her if she is really that bad, but I hate being used and I feel like that is what she is doing. I think she remembers easily what she chooses to b/c I see it every day. Then if it is something she doesn't want to do, she conveniently doesn't remember. I wish there was money to hire someone to do those things for her and I could just be her daughter and have no power struggles and just love her.
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If she 'walked on water' all your life, then trust your memory of her. She must have been a wonderful woman...hold on to that now, and allow that memory to give you forgiveness for what the disease sends shooting out of her mouth. Sometimes it's not pretty, but it's NOT her. For me, at least, that made the worst of it tolerable.
I agree with Jeanne about the commode. It solved a world of problems in our life. So did very matter of factly putting him in "night pants" when he was having a particularly bad time, such as when he had a cold or flu.
Friends and family who should know better can be bone headed and insensitive, but there will be saints where you least expect them. DO lean on those people, let them offer you support and respite. Let them make a meal, or take over driving to church once or twice a week. It's not just for you. It will widen your mother's world, and that will make her happier. It did for my husband. Sometimes, the things I thought I was doing for myself turned out to be an even greater gift for him. Learning to accept help will save your health and your sanity.
Sending you warm thoughts.
If your mother is not a manipulative personality, then I suspect her behavior is part of her disease. Many dementia patients can pull it together in front of company, or a doctor, or even in order to please someone so they'll do something the patient wants. This is so common there is a name for it. It is called "showtiming." This is not very likely much beyond the early stage, and it often exhausts the patient. This may be what is going on when she wants to go somewhere.
People with dementia typically don't "lie" -- they tell the truth as they see it, or as they want it to be. They are losing the inhibitions of polite social convention. "Lying" may not mean much to them now.
I suspect your mom is doing the best she can with the abilities she now has. Telling her to do something is unlikely to be very effective. Doing it with her, or doing something along side of her will get better results. Go for a walk with her. Do a sudoku while she does a word search, etc. But it looks like you already spend great amounts of time with her, and really, there is only so much you can do.
About the nighttime messes. What if you got her a bedside commode and put it right next to her bed. She is much less likely to miss the target with that and she can still avoid walking to the bathroom.
It sounds like it is time to bring in some additional help. I suggest that you spend a little of Mother's savings to consult an elder law attorney on her behalf. Learn your options. Probably it is time to apply for Medicaid, which has a program for in-home care (Elderly Waiver) as well as help with Nursing Home care. Even if you don't think she is ready for this yet, start the process of exploring. Better to do it with plenty of time than in an emergency situation.
I don't think that your mother is using you, in the sense that we usually think of that term. Yes, she is taking advantage of you, but she is fighting for survival, and her inhibitions are weakening. She is probably doing the best she can.
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