My Mother has no interests anymore. She was always such a vibrant, social person and now does not want to do anything. Do we have to lose all interest in life as we age?

thank you cmagnum - It is just my opinion and it is just my aging process and my experience of having been a care giver and now in some ways needing some one to care for me. If I sound angry I guess it is because I am. I grew up in an age when the older generation were respected for the wisdom and life experience they brought to the table. The generation before me kept the older folks in the home. It is not a secret that this kindness and gratitude is rare these days. It is well known by the socially aware that women in particular are the majority of long term patients in nursing homes. Not that they necessarily belong there but retired women made less money than men and in-home care and assisted living is too expensive. They basically end up in nursing homes because they are poor. Our society has forgotten about them. Women who age virtually become invisible to this society. I would like to see a lot more funding and support for low-income elderly women and senior citizens in general and children of these hapless victims do as much as possible before they toss them into a long care facility. I am very jaded about those facilities but I come by it honestly and I do not feel 90 percent of nursing homes are a good place for any human or animal to be placed. It is not a loving, caring place where those destitute elderly women are helped to have the highest quality of life. In the process of taking care of my mother and father I found many dedicated, caring intelligent health care professionals but too often I ran into just the opposite and had I known before hand they never would have been allowed to lay a hand on any of my loved ones. Children of elderly parents need to take the time to assure that the people caring for their parents are qualified and are in the healthcare field because they want to help and not just to have power over a vulnerable human being. I have no problem with people who have had a different experience putting it down here. But, I have a right to express my opinion equally.

cmagnum I think maybe you are being a bit harsh with ginger. I don't think she was condemning anybody. She was just stating her opinion. I usually agree with what you say cmagnum but in this case I think you are running someone down instead of being supportive. Just my opinion though.

My critical thinking showed me that my mother with her dementia which was so bad that she would not work with PT to learn to walk again after breaking her hip and thus unable to walk, that the best place for her was a nursing home where she did have caring health care from professionals. Sorry, but you paint with too broad a brush and I do not except your condemning, self-righteous remarks. This is a site to support each other and not to run other people down.

I gasp and catch my breath sometimes when I realize how much control of my life I have lost. It is terrifying. I fell many times before I realized that the reason I was falling was my peripheral vision has been affected. I guess someone could have thrown me in a nursing home which is what happens when seniors start to fall...kids rush them right in!!!! but I was able to determine how to adapt when you don't have that vision. I learned I have to pick my feet up higher to step up and I have to be careful when I get really tired and am walking. I also learned that I should never have both hands full. This is just one tiny adaptation I needed to accomplish in order to get control of my body back. So who but me would have taken the time to determine why I was falling? EVERY child that is determined to take care of an elderly mother needs to take a six week class in aging. I took one when my mother and dad were aging and it just opened my mind. There are many reasons why seniors don't act the way their kids want them to. If you love them before you give them over to some unrelated, uncaring health care professional do a little critical thinking!!

Mulata when my Mom's world became smaller because of diminished cognitive abilities she told me often that I was like her lifeline.Its kind of sad when a person's life becomes so limited. You almost can't blame them for being clingy.

Mom can do a lot, but she's forgotten HOW to do things
she did all her life.
Sewing
Crochet
Knitting
Cooking
Painting
Playing cards or scrabble
Dominos
Chess
If I suggest we do an activity together... "I don't feel like it".
If I suggest that she needs a little sun... same thing
She only wants me to be at arms length.
I am in another room, typing this out, feeling guilty because she's watching TV alone. We spent the day out and about, ate, she napped while I watered my plants, cooked, served, cleaned up, and I am tired. I said: I'll be back in a while. She moaned quietly in disappointed tone.
Another 30 minutes for me, and I will be back to her, to give her the night time meds.
She's easy going, but oh so clingy.
M88

I suspect boorish behavior comes about as a result of an older person losing their dignity, their status in life, their hearing, vision and physicality and being vulnerable and sometimes helpless to get back any control of their lives. You don't have to be elderly to have those dynamics affect someone in a negative way. My father, who was a powerhouse before he aged became angry and frustrated when he became dependent in his 90s. He was not a pleasant man to be around but kindness seemed to soften him a lot. Now that I am 70 I know exactly why he felt the way he did.

You know, I re read all the posts and I don't see anyone saying that their parents are boring, I'm not even seeing any disrespect, at least not on this thread. The OP talks about boorish behaviours, as do many others. Ginger, I expect your kids don't see you as an adult toddler because you don't act like one! I don't think that anyone should have to accept bad behaviour from their parents just because they are your parents. Yes, it is sometimes dementia, but for some it can be a lack of respect for their caregivers too!

My Mom's world became much smaller too. I never realized how much so until after she died. I became entrenched in her world but it never was a problem though cause I adored her. Now I find myself looking at the world through my eyes instead of hers. I never realized I was viewing the world from her point of view until after she died.

it was very hard for me to take care of my mom and dad but I tried very hard to go to where they were and not expect them to come to me...in the sense that they were in a very different world than I was...They no longer had the interests they had before and their world got smaller so I tried to get smaller too. I would have never whined about them being boring. They really weren't. It was just a question of me understanding them. I got my mom talking about genealogy and family history and she could not wait to sit down and tell me what she could remember and I could not wait to write it all down. She wasn't talking politics, religion or current events but fascinating little clips of what it was like for her growing up in the 1920s. She went slowly so I did too. Patience, patience, patience!!!!!!!

I do hear you Ginger, way too many Seniors are left vulnerable, and if they have children, and those children each stepped up equally to support their parents, it wouldn't seem so bad. I'm sure you felt this way when you were caring for your own parents. It's something we all end up facing, and all the more reason to have been a good, kind and supportive parent in the first place. I hope my own kids are as your kids seem to be, proud that you are still able to care for your self, and then still help out when we really need them, it's such a fine line between working hard to maintain your independence and then becoming completely dependant. I know that none of us want to become self obsessed and irritating to our kids in our older years.

I also took care of my mother and father who died within several months of each other ten years ago so I know the frustration of having to parent the parent but regardless of whether actual memories exist of all the things parents have done for their children it behooves one to keep those in mind.

By read here, I mean on this site as a whole.

Most of the winning I read here is from adult children with parents who never were supportive, but actually narcissists who emotionally abuse the children and they are hoping for change.

Anyway, who remembers being changed, toilet trained or trained to learn to eat with a spoon or when they first learn to ride a bicycle. I know that I don't.

It's good that you evidently have a good relationship with your adult children and always have, but several people here never did and likely will not in the future.

Also, often the health needs of a parent are far more than one person can tend to and at that point a nursing home or memory care unit is needed.

The other understandable resentment that I read here is when siblings do nothing to help with the care of their elderly parent, but leave it up to one person, usually the daughter to do.

LOL..I am 72 years old and living alone. I suffer from some issues of depression but I am thankful my family does not see me as a toddler in an adult body. I am thankful that they often remind me of how I changed their dirty diapers, toilet trained them, taught them how to eat with a spoon and started them out on their first bicycle ride. I am thankful that they remind me often of how I saw them at their worst and loved them anyway and how I worked hard to help them find their own path to contentment and worried about their safety. We laugh and they talk about all the sacrifices I made. I am appalled at the total lack of empathy and compassion I hear from whining children who cannot have the supportive parent they once had. She cannot sacrifice any more. It is your friggin turn. Please save me from this selfish, narcissism. There are many reasons why "mom" as social workers like to refer to her, even though she has a name becomes reclusive. Some of the things my be incontinence, deteriorating physical appearance, i.e. rotting teeth, thinning hair, and more importantly most seniors especially women live in poverty. They have very little money to spend on doctor's visits, or pretty new clothes and a trip to the hair dresser to change their gray hair color. Most have prematurely stopped driving and getting places is impossible. Seniors are constantly having to adapt to aging, i.e., vision and hearing issues, perceptual limitations and everything they use to do with ease is harder. But before you dump your mother in a nursing home or hall her off to a doctor insisting that she take soul numbing, spirit killing drugs consider this. Have you done everything you can to make her day to day living easier? Does she have glasses that are up to date? Does she have clothes that were not purchased at the Salvation Army retail store? Does she feel your absolute disgust when ever you are around her???? I used to keep ten balls in the air all the time ..now I can do two but my kids think that is wonderful. I think a caregiver's attitude makes all the difference in the world! I definitely have no faith that is happening with a lot of self centered kids on this thread! I am disgusted!

cwillie, I'm in the same boat.

June, you are commenting on a thread from 2012, I'm not sure how many of the contributors are still on the site.
It's great that you can talk to your mom and jog her memory, but eventually even that little piece of your mom may disappear. My mom stares straight ahead into space. Most of her comments are only one or two words, she rarely speaks in sentences any more. Some days I'm pretty sure she has no idea that I am her daughter, or that she even has a daughter, or what a daughter even is. Today she told me she didn't even know who she was and didn't know her own name. So when people are saying they are caring for a shell of a person, that their mother has "left the building", they don't want to hear Pollyanna statements about staying light and happy. Sometimes it is a struggle just to make it though the day.

You say you don't have your mom anymore. Yes you do. And the best thing you can do for her is remind her of all the things you love and enjoyed over your life with her. Tell her all of the good things you remember about her. If she is 89 then she is nearing the end of her life and may be having a hard time coping with that. If she says something mean just ask " Where's my positive wonderful mommy I grew up with? She will actually start to remember good times and you may actually become more loving and a more positive spirit for her. I am not old but I have been dying and it is hard indeed. It is always the light and happy spirit that helps us remember our own...junesgems

Oh the vitamin B 50mg can be purchased at amazon there are lots of web sites and I shop around for the best prices on whatever we need.

I sneak 4,000 IU of liquid Vitamin D and a nice helping liquid Vitamin B 50mg into her tea or coffee. The liquid Vitamin D tasted good and I buy it from Costco. The Vitamin B 50mg tastes ok if it's in raisin juice solution or strawberry solution. I have found this has worked wonders on my Mom, and just a few months ago all she did was sleep.

Now I can tell my daughter what I want for Christmas, a book called Eden Alternative. Thanks monicalouise! I am thankful for having my Parents 97 and 88 yrs old and I try to understand and accept that their lack of participating in life is a choice that they've made for years and now that dementia, Major strokes, low hearing and vision are taking front row in their lives they choose to do absolutely nothing! No TV, no participation in social activities but they want me and more of me.

I do all that I can but after working full time, coming home and work at home for a couple of hrs...I'm tired! I'm 52, no young chick, just trying to enjoy my middle years in a healthy balance with my Parents, Husband, home and work.

I see them once a week and once a weekend but dread going because they dont remember I had been there then they guilt me by saying, don't forget about me. I'm their only child now and other family lives 4 hrs away or out of the State.

I feel badly knowing that I'm the center of their lives, I don't like it, it's too much to bare!!! What happened to my Parents? I pray to be one of those active Senior citizens, volunteering, heloing other and staying busy, busy, busy! I beleive that giving is receiving.

Thank You saminadelly, I very much agree with you. Often, I reminisce about all the years Mom has been there for me. You know, once a Mother, always a Mother. I'm now 74; that is a lot of years!

Hi
Mom is too loving person and nobody is there in the world who hate their mother.We always love mother.Do not hurt anything to mother.She gives care always to us.
Thanks.

I certainly do not know all the answers, but have read up on the aging & their issues. One thing is that the elderly begin not caring what they wear or about personal hygiene. Two, they wan't to sleep & sleep & sleep. Three, they lose interest in going places & working on projects. And I agree & have often thought to my self that the aging become like little children, needy; It is not so exciting though as having little children. With little children, they are learning, you are teaching and we as Mother's & care givers were younger then also. Now, for instance, I am in my 70's (74 1/2) and I am not young. I think young but I get worn out trying to keep up; The plus, ;), I sleep well @ night.

I am one of those nurses that think anything can be fixed. That idea is not always a good idea, but keeps things more positive. So, with the hearing aids: I took my Mother to the hearing people & finally got her a pair of hearing aids that seem to work, as good as it is going to get, for her. I kept thinking, if she could hear better @ least she wouldn't be so detached when there were lots of people around, that she could stay engaged. But to accomplish this, it has taken a lot of me. When she has pain, I search for a way to free her of her pain. When she is blah, I try to engage her in an activity. I also get her up after she has slept 12 hours; sometimes she will dose off in her chair after breakfast & sometimes I let her & sometimes I do not. She needs to be drinking more water & other liquid. She doesn’t have time to sleep! I keep thinking I will encourage her initiative, but generally it does not, but sometimes... She likes to sew & was a professional seamstress at one time, so I keep a fleece around for her to work on and sometimes some mending. She does a beautiful job of mending. But all of this takes a part of me also & then with the repetitive conversation. Yikes!

Oh, another thing she does a wonderful job of is washing the dishes. She does not do a hurried job. She also likes to iron but she’s a perfectionist & her back will start hurting. She says these jobs warm her up. She complains of being cold all the time. It works better if I help her dress in the AM & be sure to get under’s, long sleeved tops & warm socks on her. It is a 24-7 job minus her sleeping time. She does sleep well.

I am very thankful that I have a Mom who is sweet, thoughtful, kind, non-complaining for the most part, and easy to work with. I am sorry that some have parents who are so disagreeable; I know how hard that must be. I wouldn’t want to be in your place.

Your question: Do we have to lose all interest in life as we age?. I would say, not necessarily, but it seems we don’t always really have a choice. One of my comments to my daughter is that I pray I can age so gracefully as my Mother and then I tell her I am a first born, & an organizer & that she probably should just put me in a home so I can help take care of all those others who are needing so much. ;)
Maybe I written too much. I always pray that something I say will be of help to some one, even though I am just venting also.

This is true....learn from your experiences. My mom is becoming her mother. My GM was content to just stay in her little room (25x25 with a potty room). Slept during the day, up all night. Never really got out of bed. She would periodically go to my Uncle's house (50yrds away). But, mostly food was brought to her. She had a car....that she never drove. She was a smoker. But, one day she just layed them down. She says she didnt quit. She just set them aside. She died with a open carton next to her bed.

Now, my mom is showing all the same traits. She sleeps til noon or later. She goes straight to the garage or deck (depending on weather). Smokes, does her crossword puzzle and watches tv (very loud). She has two sets of earing aids and wears none. So, when you call her, you have to tell her to turn down the sound. She is impatient, rude and opinionated. She has ruined all her relationships. Because she doesnt want to go any where. She wrecked her car. So she blames her activities on us. Because we dont want her to have another car. All she has to do is say "I want to go" and we take her. However, when we make plans to take her......she doesnt want to go, cause she doesnt feel good. She has messed with so many schedules. I finally told her, that she wasnt being fair to several other people. That her dicisions were affecting others, not just us.

Sorry, if I sound like I'm babbling. But, my point is this. If you dont like how your mom is acting. Change yourself. You cant change your mom. She is what she is. But, you can make a difference. Life is too short. Enjoy it til the end and slide into home!

This question is so right on. My mom is standing across the room staring at me right now.... UGHHHHHHH !

I will also pick up Eden Alternative. Like wise, I am caring for my Mother, age 96. I keep telling her she is 69. She converts it immediately to 96. It is just kind of a cute little game & she likes it. I also have noticed her world getting smaller & smaller. She does suffer with the dementia also. Caring for her is something I've always said I would do & I wouldn't change this plan for anything. However, there is a lot of repetativeness that sometimes just drives me crazy. It is much more difficult than I ever imagined. About the loss of hearing going along with the dementia, I found this to be true with my Mother also. I kept thinking if I could just keep her hearing good enough to keep her engaged, it would be helpful & it was & is even now when we have company. But with me it is still "I can't hear you & What?" My Mom is sweet & kind & still has a sense of humor but it is still really hard. It seems if she does anything with her time I have to initiate the activity. Somehow it just takes all of me. I came to this site thinking maybe this would be a good place to vent; There is really no one else to talk to about the mundane parts of caring for someone w/dementia. Now I'm out of words & just hope that I've said @ least one little something that makes some sense.

It is interesting how some elderly continue to live a full life. I hope I am like that! My mom has dementia and Dad seems content to sit around the house all day. I have to make him go out and do things. And he won't take Mom to adult day care, and I think she would enjoy being around other people. I have suggested to Dad that he may be depressed ( I would be if I were him), but he denies it and doesn't want to be on any more meds. I can't change my parents but I can be intentional in how I adjust to old age.

Thank u monialouise - I will pick up Eden Alternative. I am always looking for ways to change my perspective on the issues of aging, especially aging in the United States. The most vibrant seniors I know are the people who continue to do service for their fellow man. It just seems that their world is larger - well it is larger- because they are doing something productive.

Mom may just be feeling helpless, lonely, and bored...three things that manifest into what many folks would like to label depression. Before you resort to possible meds for the symptoms, find creative ways for her to feel useful ...get a book on Eden Alternative, a philosophy which is a holistic approach to aging, and I guarantee you will be enlightened....