How do I deal with my mother 84 year old mother who has always been difficult?

Wow my mom is becoming difficult to and I do not know what to do! She becomes mad at me over things normal people would never get mad at! what can you do when a parent becomes difficult and unreasonable. now tell me, all
i ask her tonight if she would look at a storage shed with me we need one and I offered to pay for it and she went insane! I am just sick with all of this stress! I lost my home to foreclosure everything I own is in storage and she blames me for not being able to find another place to live. I have a very small income that would only cover enough to pay rent! I would not be able to pay for food or utilities! I am a mechanic, all of my tools are in storage! and my moms car needs to be fixed and I cannot repair it without my tools! I am tired of this mess. my mom hates people also, she has no friends and I have a brother and a sister who I can not rely on or ask them for any help! I do not think there is any way out of this mess! I live in a one room apartment that is nothing more then a shity cheap ass hellhole. my mother blames me for that to. my mom can not live alone anymore and she will not admit that it is true. she even got lost driving one day in her local area. dose anyone know if I did something wrong to deserve all of this stress? I mean could my life be any uglier? I just want some solace and peace in my life which I never have had and I think I never will, even after my mother passes on. I just think that people like us are given a bad deal in life because god just cant hand out a silver platter to everyone and I think the people who god chooses to have a less then a mediocre life are the people who he thinks are the stronger people who can handle being no one. but I am tried of trying to be strong when I have never had anything positive to look forward to. I have tried to be successful in my life. college degree in music,20 years studying voice, I was the best voice student my instructor had ever had! he used to tell people that I was his Barbara streistand and yes I am a women! a mechanic by trade. I have never had any help or encouragement and all of my attempts to become successful have failed and the one main reason I never got anywhere is I never had the backing or help that I see other people get from family, friends or acquaints. if I were successful, I would have the money to just end all of these problems. I just could hire someone to check in on my mother and pay someone else to fix her car. is there any answer to end all of this crap other then money? I just think that there isn't and never will be! you need money or everything in America! and my name is not kardashian! overlook the bad spelling! good luck to everyone who feels the same way I do! Lynn

No, my mother doesn't have alzheimer's or dementia. She has always been very difficult and argumentative. I doubt if she is unhappy right now as I have heard her talking on the phone and laughing, playing with her dog, etc. She seems to be happier now that she has "vented" on us. It might sound cruel, but it's acually more peaceful when she isn't speaking to me. When I am around her, my stomach is in a knot and I'm constantly on edge. Sad but true. She enjoys playing the "victim". It seems she's happiest when she has something to complain about. She's a very negative person in general. As far as losing her independence, she would like nothing better than to do as little as possible and have everything done for her. But, I do appreciate your response :)

Have you been to the Alzheimer's Reading Room? Even if your mother doesn't have Alzheimer's, there are some very helpful articles on there about how to view things.

I found one after we had our little meltdown a couple of weeks ago. It helped me to understand that if I am having a hard time, it is not going any easier for my mom, who is losing her independance bit by bit as time goes.

Honestly I would look into options for housing for both you and your family and then for your mother especially if your mom is capable. I say this because of God's instruction if you are not separate enough in your living arrangements where in Genesis 2:22-25 it says, the husband is to leave his mother and father and cleve to his wife. I think this may apply with mother in laws also. Just make sure her needs are met and you respond to her according to God's word with respect. I would say something to your mom about her behavior and forgive her no matter what. And forgive your husband as he may have said something to provoke her. In all instances.. pray. I would suggest a bible believing community may be helpful for her. A good place to start is TBN. It can be viewed/listened to on TV or computer. (Trinity Broadcasting Network) If she has accepted Christ as her Savior, pray the mind of Christ and don't give entry for the devil to take up residence in her mind. Joyce Meyer is one of my favorite TV ministers. You can also view her broadcast on TBN or online through her website. God bless you and your household!

I to am an only child and I have a very bad relationship with my mother. The doctor she was going to would not do anything since she could answer those 30 dementia question. Like, Who is the President today. What is the day of the week, when is your birthday, what is two and two. etc. The doctor did not want to take responsibly because she has been sued. My mother finally broke her elbow and we got a doctor who did not mind telling her that she had first stages of dementia and that she could not drive any more. He would personell see that her license was recalled. Today she loves being in an assisted living facility. Some things that may help is to go or call the many places that deal with senior health. The dept. of social services was a great help with advise and paperwork especial since she has slap you husband. You local senior center can tell you if they have a lawyer on staff( usually this is a free service). He can tell you what your legal rights are. I always thought I had to take care of her. I do not!!! When I found that out I cried and jumped for joy at the same time. When I walked off and left her sitting in her living room after I told her that there was no legal reason for me to be there she sooned change her ways. My mother is afraid of being left alone maybe yours is too. Hope this helps.

Donna, call her doctor and have him call you back when he has a moment to talk.. Relate the experiences with your mom, especially the slapping of your husband. My husband lashed out at me and I discovered he had a urinary tract infection which causes wicked behavior. Meds cleared that up quickly. Also ask the doctor about haldol. This is a very potent med; but it might calm her down. God bless you! This is rough! Sending hugs.. Choni

I read these posts and I see that others have similar problems like myself to some degree. I am also the only child. My mother's meaness has gotten so bad that she is like a different person for the past 10 years or so. Getting meaner by the month.
I would lock my bedroom door when I would visit her. I started feeling very uncomfortable and not safe.
To give an example of being around her. I put a little too much water in 5 minute rice and asked where she kept her colander. She said "why do you want a colander?" I replied I need to strain off some water and she literally started sceaming and stopping up and down yelling that I never listen to her. If I had listened, I would have known to read the box....How many middle aged women use a measuring cup for rice???? I drove 12 hours several times a year to listen and put up with that.
That is just one little thing.
She insults me constantly, and the past couple of years has started insulting my husband and two sons and I keep that to myself.
She also accuses me of keeping her grandsons away from her. They are grown men who live on opposite sides of the country and she is in Ky.
I am at the point where I stopped caring about her a couple of years ago. She is TOXIC.

Donna50,

Maybe it would help to think of her as an unpleasant neighbor and treat her as such, with respect, but without allowing her into your home and your life anymore. It does sound like she can take care of herself. I might've been worse if she was bedridden and used her own weakness as a means to chain you to her side. My husband and I were thinking about buying a home and sharing it with my mother, but my relationship with her is only worsening because she thinks I don't love her and help her out of obligation. It breaks my heart because the more she confronts me with her imaginary fears, the less love and warmth I feel for her, and only want to disappear and not talk to her at all. I now can't imagine sharing a home with her, and giving her unlimited access to my life, as she feels entitled to it. You at least live in separate homes. Also, I agree about medication. The trick is to find the right one, so maybe tweaking her prescriptions would help with hostility. Best of luck.

Agree with above. Get a P.O. Box and inform her that tampering with the mail is illegal -- even if it's yours. My mother is treating my husband okay to his face and then tells everyone evil things about him -- he has been nothing but pleasant and shrugs it off because we know she has dementia and Alz and just lashing out -- everyone is suspect at this point. I disregard all she says -- but I do stand up for my husband and tell her that her behavior isn't acceptable and we are only there to help. She settles down but it is a never ending battle and repeats itself with every phone call or visit. I'm slowwwwwwly learning to distance the behavior from the mother I know and love in spite of herself. I can say, that her behavior, reactions and comments are mostly unpleasant but I can look back and see that they have just worsened in old age -- she is the same as she always was but it is more "out in the open" and "unfiltered" as she has aged. The best you can do at this point is change how you react and distance yourself from her. She will come around or not. But confront her in the presence of your husband and family and tell her you will not accept outright critisism or violance to your family and she may not invade your privacy either in your home or the mail any longer; period and tell her if it happens again, you will be forced to take action and she may have to find another home. (Now you'll have to legally look at the terms of your agreement if she has any equity invested in the home as part of the original down payment).

I hear you so loud and clearly.

My mother is going to be 88 next month and her behavior is very similar to what you've described, minus the violence factor.

I feel so badly for you.

Agree about getting the PO box and keeping your distance as much as possible.

You're a good, caring daughter, and it sounds like you really had the best intentions with setting up the living situation.

I'm glad you found this forum. Keep sharing, it really helps.

The belligerent, rude, mean behavior is unacceptable and like your mom, my mom was never the thoughtful, considerate and nice person, she always thought she was. As the dementia worsened, she was down right viscious. We coerced her into going to a Neurologist. He of diagnosed her with dementia, set her up on aricept & namenda. He also recommended a Psychatrist. He put her on zoloft. She was still threatenng to sue my sister and I and telling everyone that we were taking everything away from since my dad died. The doctor actually sent a policeman to the house to take away her drivers license. She had more respect for his authority. We were dredingly (is this a word) considering going to court to have the judge deem her incompetent. After a year of the wickedness, the doctor put her on abilify. What a difference! She actually smiles and says thank you. She still doesn't believe any thing is wrong with her, but she is so much more pleasant. I asked the doctor about the tv commercials regarding abilify and dementia and he said the low dose and the benefit out weigh the risk. If you can, ask her doctor. Unless you can get her to move to an ALF, having her or yourself move to another location will only make it more expensive and possible more difficult for you in the long run. Sometimes you need to get a stranger or someone she "irrationally" has more respect for to intervene. If you can, try to watch her interaction with people in her daily routine. Find that person.
Wishing you the best.

Absolutely get a P.O. Box! That's an easy one and do it today. Yes, sounds like she a form of mental illness and could benefit from meds but getting an elderly person to admit they have a problem even is very hard. change YOUR locks and ignor her completely, (I know that is hard but at least try), until she agrees to sit down and talk about how her behavior will not be tolerated. Offer to give her your deposit back and put a second on the house.

xo
-SS

Thank you every one for the suggestions and moral support! I greatly appreciate all of your responses and thoughtful advise.

That your mother physically attacked her son-in-law is appalling. It sounds consistent, though, with her behavior during her married life.

When you first moved in, did you have a period of relative pleasant relationship? If so, when did that change? Do you know what triggered it? If she has boarderline personality disorder I think it might be hard to tell whether that condition is escalating, or if she has acquired an additional mental illness, such as dementia. It would be good if she could be evaluated, but that certainly doesn't sound like something you could talk her into. So ...

Get new locks on your doors, too. Have your mail sent to a PO box. Avoid contact. If you accidentally meet her on the sidewalk, nod and smile and move on quickly.

This is a very sad state of affairs. You are certainly right that abusing anyone in your household is totally unacceptable. But being right does not make the estrangement pleasant. My heart goes out to you. Hugs.

She may be having the beginnings of dementia. I live with my parents, caring for both of them (bedridden.) Father has always been easy to get mad, criticize, verbally/physically abusive and is always right. He would argue his case to the death even if you threw in the towel. He can go on and on. Because we argue all the time, I'm too close to the situation. When oldest sis agreed to come Mon-Friday to watch the parents while I work, I would complain about him this and that. I couldn't understand why she gave that weird smile or laugh. Months later, after one of our famous yelling matches, I vented to sis. I exclaimed: "I think he's getting senile!!" She looked at me with this look (like Duh?!) and laughed hard. That stopped me in my track. Click! A lightbulb popped in my brain. Sigh....all these months with her smirks and laughs, she could have TOLD me that he was becoming senile!

What I'm trying to get at is ... because I was too close to the situation (physically and emotionally), I did not see that he was becoming senile. Hello!?! This was like Months later when sis started helping! So, maybe, your mom is having the beginnings of senility? ..... My dad refused to go to the clinic. Can't force him. Are you able to get your mom to go to one? Preferably to a geriatric doctor (specializes in the elderly care)? .... Take care!

Is she on any medication? Sometimes medication can have dramatic side effects. You may consider doing a Google search, if she is on any meds to see the side effects. In addition, could she have low b-12 levels?

What is different now as opposed to 8 years ago? Is it the change of husband that's bugging her, or is it a physical change in her brain like dementia? You can have your mail diverted to a post office box I guess, but I still would want to know what has changed.