How do I handle a sister who is "stirring the pot" as our Mother nears her death? Advice needed!

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kara24 Asked October 2012

How do I handle a sister who is "stirring the pot" as our Mother nears her death? Advice needed!

I have a sister who has refused to help care for our mother, 90 and a hospice patient, fine, while it would be best to work together I am doing all I can for Mom regardless. Now the caregivers I have hired to assist with Mom's care tell me that when my sister visits when I am not present she asks oodles of questions and puts down my Mother and myself even calling us evil. I am reluctant to confront my sister at this time of my Mother's life. My sister has always craved attention, been jealous of me the younger, more successful sister. After decades of trying to be close and have a healthy relationship with her, I have long since decided not to "play into her hand" and now this. What to do? This is too much! The caregivers see thru the situation and have even asked me to ban her from visiting, as she upsets our Mother. My feeling is that Mom knows better than anyone how she is and loves her in spite of her faults, it is not my place to place a barrier at this time. Advice please.

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score 0 · Answer 1

I think 3pinkroses gave the right advice here. Talk to your mom; then to your sister. Tell your sister in no uncertain terms that she needs to change if she is to continue the visits; otherwise she is unwelcome and you will call her when the end is near and she can be part of a loving circle when your mom passes.

Parent should have the peace at this point and not the stress of unfinished business. Your sister is probably looking for some sort of acknowledgment, righting of a wrong, etc. for closure -- if it hasn't happened up to now; likely it won't.

Hang in there; many hugs to you.

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score 1 · Answer 2

Your mom deserves all the peace she can get at this time as cattails has said. This is a very emotional time and needs only love and caring at these critical moments. Do all you can to provide this, even if it means confronting your sister.

I had to do this for my father before he passed away - It's very personal, so I won't get into it. That being said; I did consult with my father concerning his wishes - and he did not want this family member visiting as he was finally having some peace in his life. When the end was approaching, he was coherent and I asked if he wanted to see this family member and he said yes. I complied with his wishes and have no regrets. He was the sweetest person I have ever known and I would do anything in the world for him.

Bless you for being such a wonderful daughter - blessings and hugs across the miles.

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score 1 · Answer 3

Mom should have a choice. Who does she want to visit? Would she like someone else in the room when your sister is present? Would she like the caregivers to limit how long she can visit? Would mom like to be asked each time she comes to visit if she wants to see her? Mom should be in charge of this decision as long as she is able.

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score 2 · Answer 4

I think Jeanne gave you excellent advise and some good questions. What more do you need? Maybe you just don't have the heart to deprive your sister from continuing to give your mom a bad time until she takes her last breath. At the very least, ask your mom if her visits are still wanted. Maybe you can ask your mom if she wants to write a note to your sister, saying that she loves her. Your mom could, with your help, write this note and at the same time decline further visits from your sis. Step up, one more time, and give your mom some peace.

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score 0 · Answer 5

Your mom is the one that should have the say. If she doesn't want your sister bugging her, then tell sister to hit the road. Tell your sister that you'll drop her an email when mom dies.

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score 2 · Answer 6

Why are you trying to protect this sister who upsets your mother by calling her evil, instead of trying to protect your mother? Someone will inevitably be hurt whatever you do. Who do you most want to protect from being hurt?

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score 0 · Answer 7

Well, interestingly enough, it was reported to me that my Mother faked sleeping when my sister visited just yesterday. Regardless, so if my Mother were to say she doesn't want her to visit, do I then tell my sister not to come. It seems a very damaging thing to have one's own mother not want you around as the final communication of a Mother's life.

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