Sometimes I get so angry about having to take care of mom. Am I evil?

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siamsamantha Asked October 2012

Sometimes I get so angry about having to take care of mom. Am I evil?

I retired a month and a half ago after working full-time for 40 years. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in January of this year and I have been doing everything for her -- grocery shopping, taking her to treatments/drs appts, laundry, house cleaning, cooking meals, staying with her and taking off from work when she was very ill from treatments. She was still able to live alone until 4 days after I retired, then she became too ill and has now been put on hospice. I begged her to stay at my house, but she doesn't want to leave her home so now I am here 24/7 taking care of her and taking care of her old dog who pees and poops all over the house. I love her so much and she has been a wonderful mom. In the mornings I get up feeling so sad and loving -- in the evenings and at night I feel the same, but every afternoon for about 2-3 hours I get so angry because I want to be in my home. I had to shut down my part-time business/hobby that I loved, leave my husband alone and now I spend my days so bored and lonely that I want to cry -- she is sleeping most of the day. I know that she is dying and I am going to be eaten up with guilt when she does because I go through this angry spell, but I can't seem to stop it! Just wondering if I am an evil person!

Burnout

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score 1 · Answer 1

If you're evil, then so am I. Mother and her dogs moved in 3 years ago, but it's been the last six months that have really dragged me down. I'm weary of the criticism about the way i dress, clean, sit, the shows I watch, even the way I answer back, which is not always pleasant, or gentle, or respectful, things she needs very badly these days. I'm evil because I admit I get tired of keeping my days open for her plans, for being gone more than two hours, for giving up any other activities I had hoped to do--and not being gracious about it. I'm evil because I'll run out of kleenex, or eggs, or condensed milk, and "you should always have that on hand, always, don't you ever think to write things down?"
Come and sit under the evil tree with me, there's room.

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score 1 · Answer 2

No, you are not alone and what you feel is actually 'normal'. Anger is one of the stages of grief. We caregivers go through them all long before our loved ones pass away. I am so glad you are accepting of her beloved pet. Pets are very attuned to their loved ones feelings, emotions, and illnesses. An elderly pet and elderly people often pass away within a very short time of each other. They literally can't live without the person they loved so dearly. He is grieving, too.

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score 0 · Answer 3

It doesn't make anyone evil to be tired of being the only one taking care of a parent. I've been doing it alone for years. Be grateful that your mom is sweet. Mine is mean, a hypochondriac, spiteful and nasty. She refuses to let anyone come in to help me. If your mom has hospice she will get good care from them. Usually they don't come in until the time is short. Enjoy this time with her now. Her poor little dog probably can't control his bladder or pooping either because he is old too. He needs comfort too. Don't punish him for something he can't help. He can comfort your mom right now. I'm sure she is worrying about whether he will be thrown away when she is gone. Maybe he could be a great comfort to you and your siblings as a reminder of your mom and her love.

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score 0 · Answer 4

You are not evil. You are normal. Be gentle with yourself.

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score 1 · Answer 5

The very fact that you are willing to ask that of yourself means No you are not evil. If you were evil, you would never ask that question; instead, you would brag about it. Pulling another all-nighter with mom and i'm getting loopy. I think I said it right. Her a/c broke down on a fri nite late, of course. Keeping an eye on her bp, etc. Luckily, we got cooler nites starting here in florida.

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score 0 · Answer 6

You sound bloody brilliant! Why do women do this to themselves. Tell Mum, she and the dog are coming to live with you...sorted!
You will not be dealing with a rational person due to her illness.
Take control of your life and hers, she needs to appreciate you have a life too.
I think blowing your top in a situation of great stress is natural. We had the exactly the same thing with Mum, she refused to leave her home, and a nephew saw a
great advantage in that....it has left a hell of an emotional and financial mess.

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score 0 · Answer 7

I think Jeanne gave you some good advise. Talk to your hospice group to see if you can have someone come in daily for a few hours. It's so understandable that you just need a break during the day. A few hours away each day would be a huge help.

All areas are different not all hospice groups are the same, but I found when my dad was on hospice care that the agency did have some funds (120 hours worth) that I could use for in home care. Check also with your local area on aging and be sure that you speak to the person who is in charge of the care givers program. I was able to get some help from them on in home care due to the fact that I was retired and didn't have an income. That may not be the case for you, but check it out anyway. Their goal is to support keeping the elderly at home.

Last of all, you are not evil. Nor is your mom's devoted dog. It's a stressful and heartbreaking situation and it takes a toll on everyone (two or four legged) that loves your mom. Buy some slippers, so your feet don't get wet or worse. Keep breathing and get some in care help.

You are doing a devoted and loving effort to care for your mom.

Blessings to you. Cattails

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score 1 · Answer 8

Of course you are not evil - you are burnt out. If she has been assigned to hospice, then USE THAT RESOURCE! They should be able to send someone to sit with her for a few hours during the day to give you a break. Hospice is a wonderful program.

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score 0 · Answer 9

Evil is such a strong word. You've done a phenominal job! What's bad about that? Since you worked for 40 years, you sound pretty independent - so I'm going to say this with the very best at heart. Sometimes the hardest part of watching someone you love decline is knowing that you can't fix it. You can only love them and Learn to be dependent on some outside help. Hospice may come in or at least guide you to the right place to get some extra help. Even if it is just someone a few hours a week so you can enjoy a movie or a walk outside. Re: Dog; I'd be mad too if I had to clean up a lot. Area Aging might be a misleading term - they help with many situations where help is needed. Give them a try.

All the very best to you - enjoy the break! :)

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score 1 · Answer 10

Treatmenttime - I realize that I sounded unfeeling about the dog but that's not the case. I do love the little thing and I love on him and pet him all the time. I know that he's "acting out" by using the bathroom in the house, but when mom wakes me in the middle of the night to get on the bedside potty and I step in dog pee I have to admit that I feel like cursing and sometimes do! We're not going to give him up -- my sister said she will take him when mom is no longer here. She is actually in town for a couple of days and is going to take him to the vet. I will be able to go home and relax!

Thanks again to everyone!

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score 2 · Answer 11

I'm sure you are doing a great job, even though it may not feel that way. The dog probably is so devoted to your mom and he knows what is going on, so he is grieving terribly too. Please don't "get rid" of your mother's companion, even when you can, maybe he needs someone to devote some love and time to him in your mom's house, maybe a couple good walks a day will do you both good and allow you to bond. If you are not a dog person, hire a GOOD loving dog walker to come over at least two and up to a few times a day, they are only $5 for a 20min walk in most areas. This animal brought your mom obvious love and great joy for many many years, see that in the dog's eyes when you look at him and please don't punish him for loving your mom dearly. Can you imagine what his fears are right now, he may need to be vetted, he is old and may be feeling poorly. I recently heard stories of dogs finding their way to owner's graves and refusing to leave, dogs screaming in emotional pain when one day strangers come in and take their person away forever. They do love, and they deserve love.

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score 1 · Answer 12

Others mentioned it, but I think hospice will come to the house a few hours each day. Also, is there a way you can work on your hobby at her house when she is sleeping? You need to keep from being bored somehow.

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score 2 · Answer 13

Thanks to all who have responded! I guess that I felt like this should all be about my mom -- about her wishes and when I get angry about the situation I feel so ashamed! You guys have made me see that even when a loved one is dying we can't just turn off our own emotions -- good or bad!

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score 2 · Answer 14

I am so sorry you are going through all of this, but as far as I can see, you are absolutely NOT evil...I have these same feelings all of the time and after my bouts of absolute anger, I then feel incredible guilt as I see Mama becoming more and more frail as the months pass. It is hard for me to understand how I can get so angry when I know she can't help her situation but I miss what I think of as my "former life"...my heart goes out to you....I am seeing so many others on here who have such similar feelings as this, and it helps to know we are not alone in our thoughts and feelings....

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score 2 · Answer 15

You are not alone. Many of us feel this way and our loved one is not dying "yet". You are doing the best you can. It is easy to understand how you might feel angry and sad after finally retiring and having to jump right in to this madness.The sadness, guilt, anger cycle is brutal. I am so sorry you are going through this.

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score 3 · Answer 16

Please talk to the hospice staff. They are there for you as well as for your mother. Share your feelings and ask for their ideas.

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score 0 · Answer 17

jeannegibbs and I have the same idea. Contact your Agency on Aging in your area and see what options you may have or the ycan direct you to someone that can.
I know of a relative that was ambular at one time and he went to something like
"day school" where they kept them busy doing things and intereactiving with others their age. At an appointed time, they would be brought home. Just a thought. Praying for you.

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score 3 · Answer 18

Of course you are not evil. You are a very loving daughter.

Is there any way you can bring in help for 3 hours a day, in the afternoon?

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score 2 · Answer 19

Thank you all so much for your support. I feel better knowing that my anger is not so abnormal. I guess I knew all along that she would eventually need 24/7 care but I assumed she would live with us. The dog has been her baby for over 13 years and when she is awake she asks about him so getting rid of him is not an option. My out-of-town sister has agreed to take him when she is gone so we'll see how that goes. He was housebroken, but I guess because of age or stress he started going in the house about 5-6 months ago. Anyway, thanks again for making me feel normal.

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score 0 · Answer 20

No feeling that way is ok. Weareonly human. I'm sorry I didn't read the message thoroughly.
You are doing great. Good daughter
It's hard, I know seeing your mom decline when you love her so much. Hugs

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Sometimes I get so angry about having to take care of mom. Am I evil?

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