How do you determine whether someone can't remember or just doesn't want to do what they are supposed too?

Sit with her sometime and tell her you think it's rotten that she's lost her independence. Validate what she's feeling by agreeing with her frustration and anger. Tell her you wish you could turn back the clock to when she didn't need to do these things, but you can't. Tell her that someday you're going to have to go through this to, and that stinks too. Sometimes people just need to be heard and allowed to complain about this getting old stuff. Maybe by letting her lament for awhile, you'll gain an understanding of where she's at, and she'll understand that you want to help her, but don't know how.♥

At least ya'll are being respectful of your mom's wishes... I am watchin M being of sound mind trying to make choices for herself, and the family in thier own denial and panick causing so many problems and stress for M... she is very capable of saying she wants to stop her daily meds ( she is on Hospice), to say when she wants a cathater,as she is getting too weak to use the potty chair....and the family refuses to read any of the literature that Hospice has left so they can understand what is happening....
So I applaude you for letting your loved one have a voice in thier life... how do we really know what the plan is... we don't... And M has been a fighter her whole life... can't they see how tired she is, how ready she is..... if they could just let her have her dignity.... all would be well.... thanks for letting me share this.... and ya'll are doing a wonderful job of being considerate of your elders choices.....hugs to you all.

I think you have to let her make her own decisions as long as they aren't life threatening at that moment. If she gets that short of breath, she will probably ask for the Oxygen, just let her know it's available. Try putting the pills out with her food but don't say anthing. That way it becomes her choice if she takes them or not. I think that when older people get like that it's because they are so frightened, angry and confused about why and how all of this is happening to them against their will. Don't feel guilty about not forcing her to do things that you think she should do. Try feeling good that you are helping her keep some of her dignity and respecting the small bit of control she still has over her own self. Afterall, it is her choice. It's a frustrating thing but take a deep breath and keep moving forward.

I went thru all that u are saying with my mom. She refused to take dementia meds over a year ago. We are paying the price now, but nothing I said persuaded her. She said that the meds would only prolong her illness. She also had advance directives in place from years prior where she didn't want a feeding tube, life support, etc. I have done what I can to get Mother to eat, drink, and take meds. Sometimes I am successful, other times not. I have tried to let her make her own decisions as much as possible unless it was harmful to her. I used the analogy of when I was young, she had to make me do certain things for my own good. That worked SOMETIMES. It has been a very difficult process to watch, but at the end of this journey, I have to be able to be OK with the care that I gave Mother. In my mind, I have to look at it like its her wishes balanced with my rational thinking bc Mother no longer thinks rationally. She is like a child.
Best wishes to you and blessings on you all!

I would call in hospice. The doctor can order it and if he won't hospice can do the evaluation anyway. They will not only take some of the burden of her care off you, they can advise you in every step. They have social workers, chaplains, nurses, cna's. She does not have to be on her death bed to qualify. They will try to get her qualified bases on her diagnosis. For instance, my mom has had heart problems for over a decade. It never occurred to me to call hospice. But when I did, it made a HUGE difference. Having a nurse explain the disease progression twice or more a week is invaluable. Plus, there are financial benefits. For instance,hospice (Medicare) pays for all of mom's heart/bp related meds, her pull-ups, sends people to give her showers and provides the supplies for that. I can text or call them anytime I need to. There are usually multiple hospice companies in each community and they will compete for your business, providing her diagnosis will qualify her.

Rationalizing doesn't always work. You can't really rationalize with a two year old and that is what some of this behavior is, acting like a two year old. Firmness is required, and hard to learn with a parent. For instance, when mom refuses a shower, I just keep insisting repetitively. I don't tell her she stinks, that would just humiliate her and make her more rebellious.

I deal with the same things with my mil. I am going to make her a memory board. This is going to be a magnetic dry erase board that will have the date on it, and little sayings like "i took my morning meds" etc.. Things that she needs to do daily that way she will have some control in her mind of her daily activities. Maybe something like that would be something to do for your mil. Good luck. Prayers and blessings to you