How do I handle recent sexual obsession by my invalid husband?

I was relieved to see this topic and discussion. For almost 2 years, my husband has been non-stop wanting sex. He is 80, I am 63. Since menopause, I must admit my libido has declined but the constant grabbing, inuendo and waking me several times during the night have completely turned me off. Since this initial behavior and his anger at my refusal, he then began accusing me of having online affairs, masturbating so as not to be bothered with him, and every man I speak to receives glares from him. Recently he has been diagnosed with dementia with delusional paranoia which explains much of his behavior. It does not make it any easier to deal with him. How can I be intimate with a man I no longer know most of the time? This man I am living with is not the man I fell in love with and married and I fear he will become violent at times. Just reading this comment thread and realizing there are others going through the same circumstances is somehow comforting. I am new to this site but feel like I will be back often. Thanks for sharing, ladies.

well i dont. NEXT..

ill be a problem when i age cause i not only would bone a snake but actually HAVE !! the snake faked a climax.. she must have thought i cared either way..

I think this post is kinda old but I just found out from research that Requip-( my Mom takes it for Restless Leg Syndrome) can cause sexual addictions! Thank goodness my Mom doesn't have this -well, as far as I know, but I am wondering if this could be another cause of sexual aggression for some of our seniors. Just a thought.

As an only daughter,youngest child, and an LPN, guess who got the job of taking care of my pop? yup me.
you have to take it all with a grain of salt and a ton of tolerance. and physician prescribed Risperdal:) jus' sayin':)

Thank you for providing this interesting and useful information. Nowadays men have many sexual issues. Most health care plan doesn't consist of recovery for lovemaking generic medicines. When it comes to sexual issues people just consumes generic drugs like generic levitra.

Working in a nursing home can be SUPER stressful. I LOVED it when we found something to bring a little joy/humor into our days!! It is better to laugh and enjoy the moments than to get so stressed that you just can't cope at all anymore! I have seen the ones who "can't laugh" and the outcome at be ugly. Nursing home abuses do happen, and laughing AT someone is not good... but to laugh behind closed doors away from the residents is PERFECTLY fine and healthy. Just saying.

Thank You Jeannegibbs well said, I have a spouse with agent orange-medical problems and dementia.I can not remember the last time we had sex or even kissed,he tired viagra at the beginning years back but did not work.Even if he could have sex I feel like you,we are not mentally equal partners and he is a stranger. A stranger had taken over my spouses mind and body,this stranger says and does things my spouse would have never done. I am 54 and he is 63, we have been married 39 yrs. I think he is going through another stage of dementia because he is unwilling to take his daily baths ,refusing to shave and refusing hair cuts. I pray that I can handle being his caregiver as he advances with the dementia.

alwayslearning, it was an "oh boy, would be great, but not happening" kind of laugh. After reading your great link I understand why. I apologize jycaregiver that I didn't do a better job describing the laugh. Even though I was quite earnest, their laughter was not unkind, or at his or my expense.

I am glad that so many have addressed this subject today with a range of viewpoints. I wish I had found this website earlier. Husband and wife sexuality issues are tricky subjects. The more who feel free to share their thoughts, the better for everyone.

They did adjust and change my FIL's meds to work to find a balance that gave the staff some relief from his anger. He and MIL were in a small SNF with an average of 40 patients. MIL is still there. All of the staff knows and works with all the residents. My FIL did become physically violent, twice, that we know of, with the staff. I used to worry that he would wear out his welcome and we would wake up to find him dropped off on our back patio one morning. And I wouldn't have blamed them.

The persistent sexual pestering was really distressing to me, on visits I always kept my husband between us. On visits without my husband, I stayed as far away as I could. I feel a little guilty and naive, that I was bothered so much by it, that link would have helped me cope better. Knowledge is empowering.

FIL was put under hospice care due to an inoperable condition that was terminal in June. He did have one of those moments that seems miraculous - you hear about it, but don't really expect it to happen. A few days before he passed he was awake and his non-demented prior self for about 45 minutes. My husband, MIL and I were there. He told MIL how much he loved her and asked my husband what was wrong with him, he really wanted to know, he seemed perfectly lucid. Word spread through the nursing home and all the present staff came in to see him, the food service crew, everyone - it was the most touching thing, I cry when I think about it. He thanked all of them one by one, he was so very grateful and kept telling my husband "these are good people, these are good people". He had always treated them so terribly in his dementia.

The way the staff all showed up in his room to meet him and say goodbye at the same time, it was an emotionally powerful 45 minutes. I realized then that the work they do is quite inspirational and rewarding for them on an amazing plane.

Back to DevotedWife's question, please, anyone who is thinking about posting but is shy, please help someone by sharing your experience on this very delicate personal subject.

The sexual harassment felt brutal for me, but was nothing compared to the heartbreak jeannegibbs described.

I'm sorry, but a woman of any age who is suddenly living with a stranger, a man whose behavior is childish, a man who has aged dramatically because of an injury or chronic condition, a man who cannot perform sexually but wants to, a man who perhaps doesn't even recognize her half the time, doesn't need to get medical advice to make her hornier.

We are not speaking here simply of equal partners whose libido levels are somewhat mismatched. We are talking about a situation where one partner has had a head injury or dementia, where there is no longer an equal partnership, and where the nature of the relationship has significantly changed.

If you haven't walked down this heartbreaking path, please reserve your judgment of those of us who have.

My husband is 67 and I am 62. He is on viagra now and only gets 18 pills to last 3 months. That means he can only take one every 6th day. He can do it without the pill but it is more satisfying for him with the pill.We have been married 47 years and he has always been addicted to sex. In the early years it was every night and every morning and after lunch if he was home.After the first 15 years I told him we needed to cut it back to every other night. That didnt always go my way.Even now we would do it every night if I would go along with it. He complanes once a week isnt enough. The sex is good but at my age I am worn out most of the time and have health issues that make it not so enjoyable.I am sure he will never slow down and I would be happy with doing it only once a month.

I agree that this is an unspoken, but very common situation in ALs and SNFs. Sometimes the abuse of staff can be borderline criminal. Slapping, pinching, grabbing of breasts and behinds – care aides are some of the most tolerant women I know! So, to the person who suggests that laughing isn't appropriate and should be reported – you walk a mile in those shoes. See if you don't feel like laughing is a kinder solution than building a file on the resident and having him kicked out.
To devotedwife: Only you know your relationship with your husband enough to determine if his sudden surge of libido could be developed into a sexual relationship you could both enjoy. But, do watch his anger. Frustration can turn quickly to violence when the usual gatekeepers in the brain aren't working.

I guess I agree about the sense of humor in all situations! Have you heard of gallows humor? Only thing you can do rather than cry sometimes! Back to the situation at hand, have you noticed other issues that are tremendously changed or is this it? What does your doctor say? Do you feel afraid of him? You mention that it seems like one more 'thing to do'? What it somewhat sounds like to me too is that at 60 - since menopause has happened and all - we women just don't feel as into it in general anyway and now his libido is back to that of a 16 year old. I am just wondering since you mentioned that you should 'feel flattered' if rather than trying to turn him off or sedate him, go to YOUR ob/gyn and find out what can be done to help you feel well, hornier! Women often benefit from testosterone or other hormone treatments in getting back to their old selves. I personally am a woman whose husband (61) is not near as 'after' me as he used to be and I really sort of hate it that I don't mind that. I am working with my own doctor to find something to get my own libido going because I used to love sex and I want to feel that way again.
In closing I will leave you with this. One of my dearest friends, 55, is about to celebrate two years on Thanksgiving of her husband's survival so far of glioblastoma. The docs expected him to be dead within 6 months but it has almost been two years since he had a major seizure and the diagnosis and subsequent brain surgery to remove 80% of his tumor. He used to get on her nerves sometimes because in their entire 35 year marriage he just couldn't get enough of her. She wanted, like most women, to have him listen to her more, 'just hold' her more. He now is very childlike in a lot of ways. He depends on her for so many things and he has a hard time making decisions that he used to make. He is blind and paralyzed on one side. I visited her last month and she took me around her house, which is ow on the market, because in addition to his illness, their livelihood was long before affected by the economy (he was in a construction-dependent industry) and they are being forced to file bankruptcy. I had not seen their home in years and she showed me "___'s room" and then "this is my room". She looked at me with tears welled up in her eyes. He has not even attempted to touch her in any sexual way or make love to her since his surgery. They have rediscovered a love that in a way she always wanted from him but at 55 she longs for the man who couldn't keep his hands off of her. She told me in raw honesty how much she wishes for that connection. They are now roommates who used to be husband and wife.
Since I have been home, every time my husband 'wants' me I do my best to clear my mind, humor him in some of the stuff he wants me to wear that excites him (even though I would much rather put on a flannel nightgown!) and go along for the ride. I know what I have with him could be taken from me tomorrow.
I so feel for you and for your husband. If he isn't threatening or abusive or mean, perhaps making him happy would make you happy to. God bless.

Sometimes if you don't laugh you can't function. And sometimes a laugh means "Oh boy! wouldn't that be great but it ain't happening!" And sometimes a laugh means "I'm embarrassed by this difficult situation too." NH staff deals with difficult-to-impossible situations all the time -- do that job for a year before you decide to report them all for a common human coping reaction. More important, let's stay with the primary story here: OncehatedDIL has a troublesome situation to deal with. And the message of that story is, they all said, "no, sorry, there's nothing you can do to slow down a demented libido." OHDIL, google "libido in demented patients" and you'll find articles like http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/11/6/424.full It is a real problem, a common problem, and a difficult problem. It may be that the thing to focus on managing is the aggression that he shows when he is refused. Ask his doctor for sedative measures, but as you see from that article it's not simple. You're dealing with one of the many very problematic ways that dementia can express itself.

Nursing home staff should NEVER, EVER laugh or make fun of residents or family members. They need to be reported to the administrator and owner.

I am so sorry. My FIL was sex obsessed and hit on anyone and everyone in earnest. Apparently, he was still quite capable and his escapades with my MIL became quite the event at their NH. He was a double leg amputee and not a fan of closed doors.

And he would become angry when turned down by the staff. Would threaten to tell their boss that they had mistreated him. He was one determined, demented, legless Casanova.

No one was spared, he propositioned me for a three way with my MIL. When I turned him down he threatened to report me, he hadn't recognized me for some time and thought I was one of his nurses. I told him "you do that". One does not expect their 82 yr old FIL to ask "how about you lay down in that bed with me and my wife?"

The nurses and aides thought it was all funny and let me know that the big secret of nursing homes is the elderly male patients' libidos.

I wonder if some of the men who suffer from impotence "get it back" when their dementia frees them up from worrying about it.

When I would ask if there was something that could slow him down a bit, they all laughed- I was serious.