I want to leave mom's house taking care of her. I need information on how to since none of the others will take care of her? I cannot get along with my mother. Even before she wanted me to move in with her and my disabled brother, I could not get along with her for more than 30 minutes. I make my mind up every day to intentionally disassociate from her. However, I am lucky if I make it till lunch. Or, more often till dinner.
She constantly is (poking=making remarks, suggestions and the like) at me till I can't handle it any longer. I have several health issues that make me more disabled than my mother (our primary care phys are the same) our doctor said to me. I know, I told her.
I am the eldest of 4 children of which live in close walking distance on the same family farm. The excuses are : My oldest brother works all the time. My mom says that and "he is so busy, give him a break". Well! my SIL is stay at home, and the Brother is busy however, not to busy to do whatever they want on weekends.
My sister never calls or visits and she lives the closest to mom..maybe 20 steps away. She is not able to see mom. Again, my sister got hurt at work and has had a surgery or two. However, she is well enough to just come sit with mom surely. Yes she is.
My siblings and I were never really that close to mom and day even though they stayed together and worked hard to keep us fed and clothed. We did not have affection from them. Never a I love you or anything. D and M just fussed all the time. We grew up with that bickering and fighting (not physical). I am the eldest and had to be wherever mom was because she always had something for me to do starting at age 7.
Now, I am worn out.. My husband died november 2009 and my father died July 2009. My daughter went thru a nasty divorce. I starting taking care of mom full time in 2011. No time for me and when there is a little, I am not phys. able to go or do anything.
I have taken care of my parents' bills, banking, calling, getting and ordering medicine, getting all doctor orders, picking up med supplies, just to mention a few. There's lots more. This started when I was 9 because my mother could not write, read, spell or drive. Yes, driving Ms. Daisy lol.
I got a divorce when my daughter (only 1 child) when she was 4 y.o. I was a single parent from that moment on until I met my now deceased husband in 2004. I AM TIRED.
I need desperately some help with leaving my mother's household and caregiving. I have been used all my life and we do not get along. MY health is suffering. Both mental and physical. I can't sleep ( cant fall asleep and then only get 4-5 hours uninterrupted sleep.
I am almost to my wits end..I have been a fighter but I am almost knocked out.
Please give me advice . I really appreciate you reading this posts. Thanks so much.
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You say that there is no one else to take care of her, but that really isn't true. If your disabled brother were an only child, they would be taken care of. If you die, they will be taken care of.
That, of course, is a logical argument. I don't think that logic is driving your decisions.
Just know that when you are ready to make a change the sky won't fall, your mother won't die, and you will have a chance at happiness.
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You seem to have a very good solution with your mobile home. Do your mother and brother require 24/7 care or could you just check in on them every few hours? It sounds like a great place to create your own space without feeling like you failed them.
Take care of yourself, Sister. I know what you are going through. I wish I had suggestions that I know will work for you, but I know we all have to feel our way along. That mobile home, though, sure sounds like a good compromise to me. :)
Twotonne: I greatly appreciate your agressiveness in the advice you gave me. Woke me from zombiness. I have an old mobile home I could move into but, it is still on "the farm" we live on. I have meditated on this and still can't decide if the guilt would be overwhelming for me. (oh compared to what I feel now!)
Until I make the decision to move and stand up for me nothing will change. I quess that I am a weakling, glutton for punishments and more. Thanking you again and really appreciating your time and advice. Believe me your response will be in my mind as I adventure toward the decision. Thanks
Go back for no more than weekly visits, just to alleviate any residual guilt that you may have. That will put the ball in the court of your mother and siblings to find a different way to deal with things. During your weekly visit you can take her shopping, pay bills or clean up a little. She will appreciate you more, once she sees she can't walk all over you and you might just hear an occasional thank you. Hire someone to come in to clean her house once a week, get Meals on Wheels or other senior centers to bring her food, get volunteers to check on her well-being during the week. In other words, get some help. A good place to start is your Area Agency for Aging, your church, her doctor, and your siblings. You can't get your siblings to change their ways, but once you remove yourself from her home they may start changing on their own. Now you are doing everything, so why should they lift a finger?
The bottom line is, you need to get into self-perservation mode and not feel guilty about going about your own life. You have done so much that is over and above what your siblings have done.
Sounds like you have been a wonderful daughter to your parents. With your own health issues it may well be that you have done all one person can do for your Mother and it is time to look into assisted living or nursing homes. You really have to take care of yourself first and that can be very difficult.
Good luck!