Mom is in an abusive situation, but defends the parties involved. What would you do?

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angel1bear25 Asked October 2012

Mom is in an abusive situation, but defends the parties involved. What would you do?

My mom lives in her own home, pays her bills with her social security, but my nephew (her grandson) lives there (22 y.o.) along with his girlfriend, does not pay any rent or do anything for her. They both verbally abuse her, and recently, the girlfriend gave my mom (82) a black eye and bruises on her arm. I found out by coincidence when my cousin stopped over to see her. The police and Adult protective services got involved, but bottom line, mom wouldn't press charges and denied everything. My nephew has been in drug rehab twice (recently out in August). Many of his/her friends in and out of the house, stay over; it is like a flop house. I don't know if drugs are there, but alcohol definitely is. They eat her food, do not help her what so ever. There were previous issues with my brother (my nephew's father) who lived there for several years, Physical and verbal abuse was rampant then. Bottom line: I want to kick them out, she won't let me. She says to just scare them to straighten them up, but it doesn't, and now that Adult protective services are involved, my nephew won't speak with me (after calling me every name in the book). She should not be taken out of her own home, but she now has moderate dementia, and I am worried about her. She receives alot of help from her Medicaid benefits so there is someone there for her every day, gets meals on wheels, etc. She tells me there is so many people coming and going she does know who is who. There is also an untrained young boxer dog there which is my nephew's, he does nothing for the dog, the dog relieves itself in the basement and mom cleans up after it. The girlfriend just brought a kitten into the fold this week. I unfortunately live in a different state, and I have two cousins who check on her and one pays her bills directly. She does not want to leave her house. I am at whits end.I also just sent both of them an notice to start paying rent in December. I am sure they are thumbing there nose at me. Last but not least, my sister lives 3 blocks from my mom, hasn't been on speaking terms for several years, and just ignores the situation.

Elder Abuse

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score 0 · Answer 1

let aps do their job but if they are relying on your mom's testimony and denial of any wrong doing then i don't think they are doing their job...that is why they are there, to protect elders from the types of things occurring...the person that said nothing wrong with dog/cat...hygiene and sanitation ma'am if the dog is pooping and urinating in the basement. wonder where the cat will be relieving itself...aps is suppose to help your mom from people who eat her food, don't pay rent etc etc. boy i hope they do something positive. i understand your mom not wanting to leave her home. get a hold of the money situation so your mom's money is not used for anything except her needs. and, just out of curiousity why hasn't your sister been on speaking terms with you/or your mom for years my sister has done that too trying to get a mindset on people that do that.

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score 0 · Answer 2

i wouldnt want a dog or cat in my house but thats a pretty petty reason to claim an elder is being exploited or abused. im sorry, it just sounds like your throwing everything you have at this grandkid and it isnt much imo.. some elders spend their lives on the phone badmouthing their caregiver just to get attention and sympathy or the caregiver isnt fullfilling her every wish in which case shes trying to manipulate them with your help. ive been at my mothers house for nearly six years and it is not uncommon for her to tell other family members that im the suckingest suck that ever sucked. its just what some gossipy old women do. i have an aged aunt whos identical. calls one person after another telling each how horrible the former was / is..

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score 0 · Answer 3

Angel1bear...it's good that you know her fears. The one concerning wanting to keep her grandson out of jail is the toughest one to overcome. I had that experience in my family with a nephew and his grandmother. He would continually get in trouble, and she would continually bail him out, even though his father (a cop) said it would only enable him. The "tough love" route is especially hard to follow for mothers and grandmothers who want to "nurture". She finally came around...but it took years. I don't think you or your mother have that time. So, I would consider force in getting those people out of her house and her life. I would talk to an attorney and/or police to find out legally what can be done. I would also search for info about elder abuse and if you have an adult care or elder care program or facility in your area, visit them for guidance. I'm sure they've heard stories like yours before. Finally, if you don't get any actionable suggestions or help from those areas, I would consider other methods that would apply pressure to the abusers/roommates and make it less confortable for them to live there. We can discuss that further later.

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score 1 · Answer 4

The same thing is happening to us as we speak. The best thing for you to do is hire a lawyer, get DPOA, put yourself on the house deed and secure any other assets you can. Take your mom and yourself to the lawyer and tell him everything. Believe me, after you talk to a lawyer your will feel much better.

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score 0 · Answer 5

I believe you have touched on all of the reasons. The main one is she doesn't want her grandson getting into trouble; he already has two strikes against him being in drug rehab twice and in trouble with the law, she is afraid of them, and she doesn't want to be alone.

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score 1 · Answer 6

Sounds like the root of fixing this situation is with your mom. She must come around to the idea of getting them out of there. You have to find out what is her reasoning behind not wanting to file charges or evict them. It is probably based on a fear of some sort. Could it be she likes having people around? (She doesn't feel lonely.) Does she feel more secure with someone else in the house? (Reduces fears of crime or violence.) Or, is she afraid her roommates will abuse her if she speaks up? You have to find out WHY she does not want the situation to change...then you can respond to her fears. Once you know what she's thinking...what she's afraid will happen, you can take steps and assure her that you won't allow it to happen. For instance, if she is afraid of them abusing her if she reports on them, explain that you will provide security until these people are out of her home. While they are moving out, there will be a cop or some large men of the family there observing. Or, you will take her in temporarily until they are gone.

You have to find out specifically what her fear is and then respond strongly and firmly to the fear. You have to remove the fear for her to act.

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score 0 · Answer 7

Bless your heart, I have heard of similar situations so many times. In fact, I know of a lady in our church who is in a similar situation. There are lawyers who specialize in elder care and one might be able to offer some helpful suggestions to you. Linda Herner seemed to offer some good advice. I hope you find an answer, I will be praying for you.
Please let us know if you are able to do something. It could be useful information for other people who are in similar situations.

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score 0 · Answer 8

thanks. i was just going to check out some laws in your moms's state...clearly you and your mom need some direction and some help. I pray you get it soon. I am from CA

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score 0 · Answer 9

thanks. i was just going to check out some laws in your moms's state...clearly you and your mom need some direction and some help. I pray you get it soon. I am from CA

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score 0 · Answer 10

She is in Ohio, I am in Maryland

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score 0 · Answer 11

What state are you in? What state is your mother in?

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score 1 · Answer 12

I would swoop my mother out of there so fast heads would be spinning. Can you get her to come to your house under the notion that you want to have her with you for vacation? Have all your legal ducks in line before doing so. Meaning, once mom is with you have police check for drugs, the health department for poop and unsafe environment. Most important before doing anything, since you have DPOA have her social security checks mail directly to you (as in change of address) so you have control of the money that is suppose to be used for her and her alone. Also, if you have a dementia diagnosis, which stage, you will have more power with the DPOA. Someone has to save her from this abuse and this someone may be you; all government agencies are slow to act.

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score 1 · Answer 13

Since it is elder abuse i cant imagine that your mom is required to complain or press charges...the idea behind elder abuse is that elders often cannot defend themselves against the abuse so the state aka APS protects them. I don't believe their hands are tied. Also, its free, so report all of this to a domestic violence agency. They will have resources to help and guide you. Drugs are likely involved so I would have someone investigate that as a drug house. I suspect that would be the police. I too would get a hidden nanny cam too if everyone is right that you need evidence.
I am sorry, I just don'e believe the APS hands are tied...something is wrong with this picture.

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score 2 · Answer 14

Imagine her fear that she will state her case and for whatever reason the family turns on her, or legally the eviction process is long and drawn out. Now she is stuck in the abusive environment with ANGRY abusers! Can you or someone who is as strong as you live with her during this process? Also, a POA allows you to do everything on her behalf. My MIL is in ICU and very worried about coming home to a bad marriage. Her husband of 55 years was trying to keep her out of house....thank goodness we have her POA because we were able to go to court and fight for her right to be there (her name is not on deed and marriage has been awful more than 20 yrs). There are different types of POA, see which one you have if you want to move forward with this.....but please be prepared for someone in the family to be onsite to protect her, especially if she isn't a strong person when the grandson has his "smile" on at her door. At the very very least change every lock, even from garage into house and get restraining order, change phone numbers and let neighbors and other family members know why. Sounds like a very serious situation for anyone, but especially tough for a loving grandma to get through without loved ones putting up a human wall of love around her.

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score 0 · Answer 15

lindahernerOT--where are you getting your information?

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score 1 · Answer 16

The DPOA DOES allow you to evict someone from your mom's house. I've done it with mine. DOPA (whether it's you, me or someone else IS the voice of the elder) period. You are her voice. I've had mine for almost 7 years and have used it for everything and I mean everything for mom. I am her...period. That's how it is in KS anyway. I have complete control over everything from who she's allowed to see and visit to what she eats for breakfast, lunch and supper. Speaking from experience here. Good luck and keep us posted!!

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score 2 · Answer 17

angel1, your mom sounds like the woman who is married to an abuser, but never presses charges when the police come. You said her own son was abusive to her when he lived under her roof right? Then she's 'used' to this kind of treatment sort of. I'm at a loss why a wife would let herself be hit by a husband, or in this case why a grandma would allow it either. Maybe the key is to find out WHY she thinks it's acceptable for a stranger to smack her around, and her own grandson to pitch in with the abuse. If she's afraid at this point to take any steps to get these people out, then you need to be her backbone. Take her to your house for a few days to get her away from it, then get them out. She needs to give you or someone you both agree on, the legal right to act in her best interests for the future too. There is some reason she's allowing this, and I'd like to know why, wouldn't you?

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score 4 · Answer 18

I'm sure you know that a Power of Attorney does NOT allow you to evict anyone from your mom's house unless she asks you to. People overestimate that document. I had one for years and it was useless for anything but calling utility companies, paying bills, doing her banking, etc. As long as your mom does not agree to evict them and says she's okay with them being there, a POA, durable or not (another big joke - there are attorneys everywhere who willl revoke those, despite diagnoses of dementia). From my experience, I agree with the nanny cam and K-9 unit; nothing speaks like physical evidence! It gives you the power to prosecute without your mother's blessing, although she may testify that she has no problem with any of it. I'm sorry you, and all of us, have to face these issues. There is a special place in hell for people like your nephew, and a special place in heaven for kind and caring people like you. Good luck to you.

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score 0 · Answer 19

Thank you all for you replies. I do have DPOA and DPOA for her health care. Adult protective services are involved, but since mom denies it, they have their hands tied. I will contact legal tomorrow. Thanks again!

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score 3 · Answer 20

Either you or a cousin who stops in should install a nanny cam. It will document abuse, and whether she wants to prosecute or not becomes a moot point with video evidence of it.

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score 1 · Answer 21

Yes, she is in a dangerous situation. The authorities will handle this whether you're Mom agrees or not. That is elder abuse!
Take care and use your resources.

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score 1 · Answer 22

It IS elder abuse. Your mom is probably afraid to "tell" on them for fear of retaliation. The sooner they are out of there....the better!

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score 1 · Answer 23

Yes, I agree with Hannah44. You've GOT to get the nephew, his gf and animals out of the house ASAP! Even if means going to the police and telling them of the black eye. Things will only get worse if you don't. Sounds like you have a worthless sister like me. I know how it feels to be the only one who cares for an elder. And, if there is alcohol in the house and he has been in rehab for drugs..you know there are drugs in the house too. TELL police that!!! Have them search the place with a K-9 (dog).
Also, will you mom allow you to be DPOA for her? If she will, I"d get the papers drawn up immediately so that YOU have control over where she lives, WHO lives with her, etc. DPOA cost me 25.00 six years ago to have an attorney write on up for me...health AND financial. Once you have DPOA, you have the power to evict them. But sounds like it needs to be done asap. Let us know! BIG HUGS!!

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score 0 · Answer 24

Dear Angelbear,

This is a terrible situation but it's fixable. You need some legal help. Go to the Elder Care link on this site and click on "Elder Abuse." I think you will find some help there.

Prayers are going forth especially for you and your family at church today.

Please keep us posted on your progress.

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Mom is in an abusive situation, but defends the parties involved. What would you do?

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