Our mother just lost her husband (our dad) of 50 years 2 months ago. She has moderate-bordering-on-severe dementia and Dad had been in very poor health through the summer. We convinced them to move from their paid-for, 2-story house (with basement) to an independent living apartment in a senior resident complex, but my dad died the day the lease started. We went ahead and moved Mom into the apartment, and our sister from Alaska stayed with her during and after the funeral for a week. When she returned to Alaska, we hired 24/7 caregivers to be with Mom to help her get acclimated to the new building. The intention was to scale back care to 4 hours a day. But it became clear her dementia was much worse than we thought. She can't be left alone; needs cueing for everything. My sister who lives here in town with us agrees with me (and Mom's doctor and elder-care manager we hired) that a memory-care facility is the best place for Mom. Alaska sister, however, insists that Mom needs to be with FAMILY only and that Mom should live in Alaska with her, her husband and son in their 2-story house on a steep hill (with a backyard that plunges straight down a cliff!). We are very much against Mom living in Alaska. Mom wants to visit Alaska but does not want to live there and has stated this multiple times. Alaska sister and husband are vehemently opposed to outsiders involved in Mom's care. We've invited them to return to our city and live in our parents house with Mom and then after Mom passes, the home would be their's to live in or sell, but they will not come back. I guess I'm looking for one person to tell me Mom living in Alaska is a good idea. By the way, it's frigid, icy, blizzardy and DARK in Alaska for at least 4 months a year. Then in the summer it's light for 21 hours a day! I've tried to reason with my sister and her husband in Alaska to no avail. The memory care facility we want to move my Mom into is within 2 miles of our houses and is top-flight. By selling Mom's house, we can probably afford 4-5 years of care there and then ultimately I'll return to work to pay the rest if that's necessary. Oh, final notation: I am in the process of asking the courts for legal guardianship of Mom. Not sure if Alaska sister will contest this. They are not in a financial position to hire lawyers and return to our city to contest at the hearing, which is late this month. I would appreciate anyone's thoughts on this: Is home-care at all costs (and in Alaska) better than a memory-care facility for an 81-year-old dementia patient?
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1) moving her away from 2 daughters that have been involved with her care, to one who hasn't been, and likely has little idea of the amount of care she needs and will need. Rather than one daughter travelling to visit mum there would have to be two. Is there a financial issue or benefit seen by the AK daughter? if they don't have finances could the other two contribute towards the AK daughter travelling to see mum periodically? Just a thought about what might be driving this.
2) moving away from familiar surroundings, as has been said, would be very hard on her, and into a two story house with the backyard you describe sounds quite unsafe
3) living in the north is very hard on many people. The long cold and dark winters affect mood, and mobility. The summers can be nice but they are short and the bugs are HUGE!
4) moving to a place where the medical care she needs, and will need is likely less or not available. I have lived in the north for over 30 years, though not as far north as AK. and medical care is not as good as in the south. I looked up a major hospital in Alaska, and it emphasised rehab programs for addicts. It is only one example, I know, but makes sense to me. There have been very few resources for seniors in my community. The north is not a place where seniors go to retire, for good reasons, and I suspect that resources for seniors in Alaska are not as good as in the south. That could be researched further.
I hope you are successful in getting guardianship as it seems to me that you have your mum's best interests at heart. Wanting to have no outsiders involved in mum's care raises a huge red flag for me.
Do let us know how it goes (((((((hugs)))))) Joan
No. Moving from one Midwestern city to another Midwestern city would be hard enough on someone with dementia. Moving away from the two daughters she has had most contact with, to not only a new environment but a different climate and different night/day cycles would be overwhelming. This is not a good idea!
I give Alaska sister lots of points for good intentions and generosity. I hope this will not ruin your relationship with her. But what she is suggesting is not in Mother's best interest.
Who has DPOA and Medical Proxy for Mother? Good luck on the guardianship hearing!